Win! I Got Out of Bed Today...

When I started blogging, my intention was always to be honest, to be open, transparent. I don't lie. However, some posts come a little slower as I process what I am going through, what has happened, how in detail I want to go... you get it, yes?

Honest to goodness truth? Life has been HARD! Emotionally, I haven't gone a day without some crying for about 4 days straight now. At first, this concerned me. I really don't want to feel broken emotionally. Physically, I have already been on a roller coaster with everything I have been dealing with in recovering from the clot in my lungs. I am an extrovert so generally talking helps me feel better. No joke... most people I can only talk to for a limited time with. Most people I don't want to cry in front of; I don't want to break. I don't want to be seen that deeply... yet. Fortunately this morning I was able to spend some time with a close friend. She encouraged me to let the feelings, the unsettledness, the tears... all of it -- let it flow! 

Here I am still struggling to commit to taking enough pain medication and I need to let me feelings out too? I want to resist so badly but then when I let it happen, when I let myself start to process things, I have moments of hope, just as with being in less pain -- I have moments of calm, of energy. So, when you ask me how I am feeling now? I will tell you. I am managing. Each day I get out of bed, get dressed, usually leave the house at least once, make sure my children don't starve, put them to bed. You get it, yes?

I love my Lord, my family, my friends but some days are just that HARD. Unfortunately, I have hit a whole slough of them! Today, I have decided to let it flow, to take my pain meds when I need them, not 2 hours later. I am choosing to do MY best to take care of myself (and boy is that harder than I ever imagined) and "heal" so I can be better for my family and others around me.

So no, I am not doing great. I am doing okay though. I am alive. I get out of bed and smile at least once a day. I adore my husband more than I ever have before. I treasure the miracles my children are and spend more time with Joy on PURPOSE than I can ever remember. I KNOW God is in control. He has taken care of us for so long, I know He won't stop now. He just won't. I know that and am confident in that.

So pray for me. Pray that I can find 2 reasons to smile each day, that I won't EVER forget how phenomenal it is that God physically SAVED my life, that I will start to feel better again soon enough, that God will heal my heart, that I will be able to use this piece of life as a blessing, a testimony at some point, that I will find some peace in knowing that the Factor V Leiden has given us hope for having children down the line, that I won't EVER forget how deep and wide our God's LOVE is...

Thank you all. This is me right now. I know God is working in me and I know things WILL get better. Sometimes its harder to remember than other times but I do know and BELIEVE it. 

God Bless,
*Melis*