Some days I just don't want to talk about it. I don't want to face it. I want to crawl back into bed and fall asleep and hope when I wake up, I will be back to the "me" I knew prior to this nightmare, or what feels like it some days.
Today is rough physically. I wish I had a better name but I just call them "ill" days. I wake up, try to get on my way, get things done etc but let's be honest, I know from the get-go physically I will likely struggle some... whether it be to get motivated, move without pain etc. You get what I mean? We all have days like those anyway. I still have trouble accepting it sometimes. Today, I woke up with pain in my back and took pain medication. While I can say most days I don't need them as often, I still need them. And today, I don't want that to be the case. It helped after resting a little longer and settling in.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrQHNQ0hwQE
So, I decided to run a quick errand with Joy, knowing likely one was all I could do. I settled on the place with the coffee, even though it meant a few of the forgotten groceries would cost more. At least all of them were there. My shoulder hurt when I wore my purse. My body felt fatigued. I just wanted to go home. Fortunately for me, I had my spunky, energetic & positively sweet girl, Joy with me. It makes all of the difference on a day like today.
Did I mention how amazing my Joy Joy is? I mean she is my daughter. Lately though, she is the mature, big girl who loves on me constantly, plays well with her brother and is just the biggest helper. I can't even begin to tell you what wonderful timing this is. Seriously! I can tell this IS her, not just a short-lived stage. I adore her so much already but I love how God is bringing the wonderful parts of her growing right, smack in front of my face :-)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wj05-J9z4TY
When I arrived home today, I informed David of how I was feeling and he gave me a hug and agreed I could crawl into bed and veg/work on so, me things. At this point the pain was still somewhat of an issue but I knew that if I could prop myself up in bed, I could still sit down and do some things. I was right and glad David didn't mind. As David worked on lunch, the kiddos happily played. I took a break and called my Mommy. David popped in hoping to get help with a diaper. Realizing I was on the phone, he managed to take care of the diaper and lunch and continue to keep sanity in the house.
How amazing is my husband? He never once tried to guilt trip me. He never once growled or hissed or got outwardly annoyed. When I got off the phone, I went to check on things and Micah was in his bed working on wearing himself out, David will finishing up lunch and Joy was happily hanging out near her Daddy. I told him I wanted to check to make sure he was okay since I had been on the phone when he walked in and he replied he was. I then asked if he would bring the lunch when he was done, knowing this was not ideal. I was still quite uncomfortable physically so he agreed. Wow! I know I have an amazing husband but I continue to be reminded of how blessed I truly am by the man he is. I am thankful God has helped us to grow closer, rather than further during all of these stressful, traumatic times.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ECGZz5ScfL8
So, where am I now? Yes, I am worn, tired, exhausted and SLOWLY healing. Yesterday was an emotional day for both David and I as we faced the reality of losing another baby, a surgery and a diagnosis that is not common for my age and general lifestyle. We loved being at church surrounded by our church family but that in and of itself was a reminder. Yesterday marked exactly 2 weeks since being admitted to the hospital for a Pulmonary Embolism, something I will be living with for sometime and will likely affect me for quite awhile down the road.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsjZ94K7UQs
Again, thank you all for the continual prayers and support. I genuinely do see an up-swing happening lately and am so thankful as I am able to do more physically and have been able to process more lately in the emotional realm of things. David and I know without God, without all of the support and prayer we would not be able to do as well as we actually are. As usual, I will say we still have more ahead I am sure. I am slowly learning to become more content with where God has us and prayerful of where He is leading up. My hopes for the future are much the same, just more fervent. However, I am also just thankful to be ALIVE! Praise God! Here's one more to leave you with. You'll really like this one!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FP73T3Pv6Wg
That's all for now...
*Melis*
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