Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Bring it on?

What a year!  I have to admit I am kind of relieved to be saying goodbye to 2013. This has easily been our hardest year to date.  We started out our year officially losing baby Squirt on January 10th which prompted me declaring it "Our Year of Faith." A few months followed & one month into my P90X journey, we discovered I was pregnant again.  I evolved to not miss a beat. I joined a "Rainbow" group on FB, took pics every week from 5 weeks on, faithfully made every appt, even hosting a thank you for close friends, as well as planning my gender reveal party. At 15w2d there we were again. No htbt. Baby was gone. That was July 23rd. July 28th,  our 6th wedding anniversary I was admitted with what was referred to as a very large pulmonary embolism. I was released on blood thinners August 1st.
I was determined to try and fight through it all, not letting it get me down, blogging frequently & trying to focus on my family.  That was follows up with 5 back-t-back 2 week or so periods & 3-4 yeast infection s. Once my INR stabilized,  I could finally start to see the light at the end of this p see et of our journey.
And then December hit. 3 ER visits diagnosing some unknown issue with my wrist (bruise without contact of anything and initially very painful), a sinus infection & a UTI, only to be hit with a sore throat and more cold symptoms only a few days ago. I am exhausted but I think, finally on the mend.
2013 has been all about faith & God has definitely stretched us, Himself proving faithful to us through it all. 2014 holds some tough dates out the gate with January 10th being Squirt's 1st angelversary & January 12th bring Little One's former due date. But this year, we look forward to exploring & growing in anlther way. We don't know why this year was so hard, nor why some things stayed stagnant & others only got worse. 
As I lay here cuddling my little boy, I want to share our goal for 2014. ~ Contentment. We don't know what this next year holds but I am glad it is just around the corner. I hope you will consider a challenge yourself. My hubby and I are closer than ever to each other, our kiddos & to our Lord Jesus. Hard as it was,  I can hope God fulfilled some of His Will through our struggles. I trust God has big things in store going forward.  Having said all that...
2014... Bring It On!!!
*Melis*

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Voeltz Family Update

A month & a half ago I posted & not again... 

~It sure feels like a lot longer than that.  To be honest, I just didn't know what to say.  As hard as this year has been, these past couple of months have been the most emotional for me.  I feel like the ups & downs are apart of my life now.  I am used to tears, mood swings & settling in for my evenings of irritability.  Micah lately has begun sleeping even worse. He's more stubborn & I'm more sensitive but together we cuddle so well.  I've been told over & over to let myself grieve, let myself have bad days, to be okay with a little bit done at a time but it doesn't stop the guilt some days.  I want to do more, be a better mom, wife, friend... I've found myself spending more time at home, less time online, finding things like baking & craft projects to focus on.  I try to regularly post thankfulness on Facebook & stay aware of who I am now & not try to be anyone else.  David's schedule has regulated recently for the time being & he recently got a small raise that doesn't get us out of the woods but it helps some nonetheless.  I often go to bed early & the other nights I stay awake waiting for my David to come home for that hug & chat before sleeping.  My pain levels have dropped quite a bit & my "womanly" issues since the summer have finally started to improve.  After a lot of time staying home, I  have recently started to organize a play date here & there, a walk or a meet up with a friend as time & sensitivity allows.  Life isn't easy & I guess I just wasn't ready to tell you all that, that months later, I am struggling emotionally more than ever.  As we head towards the New Year, David & I dread our Squirt's first angelversary & our Little One's original due date, just 2 days apart towards the middle of January.  I've spent a lot of time focusing on the holidays, projects & anything that will help me through the day to be a better mom to my kids.  David has been amazing.  Its amazing how far our marriage has come in the 6+ years.  Just the other day, he said all of the right things & knew when to hold me & how to get us through our morning & out the door in time.  My parents have been marvelous too as I have spent many a Sunday this fall at their place dealing with the stresses, emotions, & side effects of medications. I'm looking forward to returning to Home Front with David after the New Year & also glad Bible Study will return as well.  Just today, a friend & I set up a standing play date.  Looking forward to having that time with her while our kiddos play.  We said goodbye to one of our vehicles recently.  David was hit at a stoplight & the insurance company deemed it a total loss.  We've got some decisions to make.  So ups, downs... they're normal~

How can you pray for us?  Pray we can set me up with regular counseling to help healing & processing for me.  Pray for continued stability in David's schedule & that it won't be too long before the promotion & next raise.  Pray for David's & my emotional health. This year of Faith has tested us through & through & there are days we feel like we are constantly running for cover. Please pray for our kiddos as well.  It can't be easy walking on egg shells around Mommy & Daddy.  Please pray as we approach 6 months of pulmonary embolism medicine at the end of January.  If all is clear then, I will be pulled off of the medicine, put on aspirin for a little bit & able to have a full workup done, hopefully for more answers for us. 

Some praises?  Joy absolutely loves school.  We are very thankful for TVCCA & Mrs. Beasley. Thank God David wasn't hurt in the accident,  Considering his ongoing back problems, we are glad nothing got worse.  We are thankful my pain levels have dropped. We are blessed with amazing friends that have showered us with love & prayers during this very difficult year.

We appreciate all of the support.  Hopefully I will be blogging again more these days.
As always,
Melissa

Thursday, October 3, 2013

For my dear friend...

I know you're going through a hard time.
I'm sure it seems everyone has something to say.
You probably wonder often what you should do.
You're waiting for God to show you the way.

You're feeling down and so confused.
Answers seem to be so very far away.
You're holding on to this precious life.
Not knowing if he will go or stay.

Don't forget to hold on to God's promises.
He's with you each and every day.
He smiles on you because He's chosen you.
He loves you more than words can say.

So don't you worry about tomorrow.
Keep your head up and you pray.
You know God will never leave you.
Just take it one step, start today.

Just a quick one to encourage you...
That's all for now...
*Melis*

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Say What?

As if enough wasn't already going on in my life, it seems I had quite a few calls to made, all revolving around my health, and all of them... today. But of course, that wouldn't be enough, would it?

My morning started off just fine.  My hubby took Joy to school for me, bringing Micah along for the ride.  He then entertained & fed Micah and put him down for nap.  I awoke finally, much later than expected but mostly rested.  It was then that I noticed my body was still trying to figure out what time of month it was... lovely, how long can one of these last?  I also noticed the pain, but seeing as I needed to shower, I did that first and then took the pain meds, which of course, being that it had been much longer since the last dose (even though I was sleeping), it took awhile for my body to "take." I called back the clinical pharmacists to find out my INR was... 2.2!  Fantastic as it is that its finally therapeutic, she suggested I call my OB for the bleeding issue.  I called and left a message.  (Still no call back) I called my hematologist's office as well around this time and the girl there said that she was allowed to call in my prescription for pain meds. This was great to hear that I would get it tomorrow, as I would be out by midday tomorrow.

I got ready and took off with Micah, while David was leaving for work so there wouldn't be any fall out there.  We went the "pretty way" to pick up Joy from school.  Micah clearly needed some more sleep, as he fell asleep 5-10 minutes into the drive. After picking up Joy, we headed back home the pretty way again. I got a call while I was driving from my hematologist's office. She told me that the prescription was called in but I wouldn't be allowed to have it for another 5 days since I just picked up some from another pharmacy... I did what? Clearly, my pharmacy needed a call.

When I got home, I unloaded the kids and got on the phone with my pharmacy. They said someone had called in one to be picked up at Rite Aid under my name.  Not a chance, not a stinkin' chance that happened by me or my doctor's office (which I confirmed).  She said she would call over to Rite Aide (Rite Aide? I don't use Rite Aide for anything, much less prescriptions) & call me back. About 10 minutes later, she did.  No explanation but that my prescription would be ready in 15-20 minutes... for real? Nice. I called to thank the girl at my hematologist's office for alerting me.  Glad we got it sorted out... praying it doesn't happen again.  So, off to dance we go shortly and Micah & I will go grab my pain meds.  Thankful for those who know what to do in this situation and that I wasn't held to someone else's error.

That's all for now...
*Melis*

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Surprise! Time for another... *ouch* ~ blood draw!

This road is likely the bumpiest I have ever traveled. Its a bit ironic.  As I have been spending a bit of time getting to know a lot of the alternate ways to and from Livermore (church & Joy's school), my life seems to be looking much to same.  There are plenty of hills, curves, straight-a-ways... you get my drift! Last week, I lamented over my Wednesday, a not-so-good health day for me.  At the time, I wondered if it was somehow related to my actual blood draw that morning.  It wasn't.  How do I know? Today, I had another day like that.  I was feeling sick, tired, lethargic, worn, dizzy, lightheaded... & to top it all off? I had some suspicious bleeding!  Not ideal for someone on Coumadin for a pulmonary embolism!  Since my INR was high the day I felt this way last week, I suspect its related.  I am concerned as well.  I asked my hubby to call the Coumadin Clinic for me at Sutter Tracy and he did. They asked me to go in for a blood draw today when I got back home to Tracy.  I made it 20 minutes before closing at 3:40pm with my kids in tow.  Fortunately, there was no line... and get this, the ladies who work there were thinking they should have seen me that morning and were wondering where I was... great! (I actually have been going in Wednesdays.)  I was in & out and on my way to the store before heading home just in time for a nice early dinner.  I am feeling a smidgen better, as I did later on last Wednesday.  I will get my INR results tomorrow.  I am guessing that means I won't have it checked again Thursday but we will see.  Please keep me in your prayers.  The good news is that since David doesn't go in until 4:30 tomorrow, after I drop off Joy at school, I will get to spend the day at my friend's relaxing & trying to get some things done... It's about time ;) Thank you for all oft he prayers... 1.5 hrs until bedtime...

That's all for now...
*Melis*

Friday, September 27, 2013

I've Got My Joy Joy Joy Joy...

I love that we named her Joy. I know my Daddy is glad as well.  When we gave him our initial list of names, I got the strangest look & a comment on how was anyone to spell those correctly.  Then my doctor mentioned how active Joy was. That was it. I associated active with happy, and happy with joyful and the name was set... around 20 weeks or so.

Over the years, many of you know I have struggled to be the best mom to her I can be.  She was great at eating and sleeping in the early days but cried a bit.  Being a first time mom, I cried then too and just got more and more frustrated.  As she went through her toddler years, she tested, pushed, pulled & tried to see what she could get away with.  It wasn't until Micah arrived that I started to appreciate her in the ways I should.  It was hard.  I was tired, confused & often felt so very judged.

Two has definitely been easier most days for me.  They play together & love on each other.  And Joy, she really is our joy. She makes me smile so very much. I love taking her to school & picking her up as well.  I love our "Mommy, Joy" dates that are usually just browsing stores or grocery shopping, occasionally with lunch or a small take-home treat thrown in there.  One of the things I love most about my Joy Joy is her heart for others.  She constantly wants to help others clean up their messes or obey their parents.  She wants to make a picture or "book" for just about everyone she knows some days.  Some, like her teacher get at least one a week these days!  Speaking of which, she's artistic!  I cannot draw to save my life!  I get creative but not in that way.  She is amazing!

This little girl continues to light up our lives & make us proud!  I cannot believe she is already a month into Kindergarten almost.  Its unreal some days.  Her busy little life has made mine so much more enjoyable though.  I love you, Joy Joy!  So proud to be your mom!

That's all for now...
*Melis*

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Blood draw, the kindness of strangers, weak & headaches, INR & hubby...

Is the title long enough?

I'll admit, feeling a bit guilty I have written much lately. That about sums it up but I am guessing its still confusing, yes? So, I'll bite!  I'll give you some more... I guess ;)

I feel like I have an eternity to update.  I'll start where I can...

What a day yesterday was!  I woke up cuddled next to my little boy (who is growing way too fast by the way).  He most always finds his way into our bed just a few hours before wake up these days. I don't have the heart to turn him away so I ask David to grab him.  When David grabbed him, he set him between us.  Micah moved around, smirked & cuddled up to me.  I love my little mama's boy!  It is so good to be loved by him & wake up next to him.  It made it really hard to get out of bed this morning. But, alas it had to happen.

Fortunately, David already was getting Joy up, her uniform picked out, her lunch made... you name it! Two days in a row I drop the ball.  Two days in a row he hits it out of the park!! He is beyond what I could have imagined in the little, everyday things of life, I must say.  But getting back to my day... As I slowly got ready, I encouraged my Joy Joy to get ready as Micah slept soundly in the background, still laying on our bed.  She was slow to get ready, as she is most days but cheerful nonetheless & David showed no signs of rushing her, despite the time on the clock.  I frantically ran around myself, hoping to find a jacket or a sweater I liked... or something but gave up, asking if it was okay if I headed out for my blood draw.  There seems to be a line these days & I rarely remember to make an appointment.  He agreed & I headed out the door... COLD.  As soon as I started the car I realized I was missing my phone but brushed it off as I knew I would be home long before David & Micah anyway.

To my surprise, I was one of the first to arrive, just 5 minutes or so shy of 7am.  By 7:15am I was back in the car & on my way to grab coffee across town.  *This one was free so I wasn't passing it up!)  I noticed the "check gauges" light on but brushed it off for the most part as I knew I had put enough gas in the day before & David always reminds me I am okay to drive.  I grabbed my coffee shortly after and started towards home.  And then it happened, I was running out of gas.  I was out within seconds & freaked.  I panicked. No phone and no clue how to get it, the nearest gas station was less than a half mile away but I couldn't remember if the gas can was in the back or not. Relieved to find it, I tried to put the tiny amount in it in my car.  No luck of that helping. I contemplated my next move, deciding to grab my keys, purse & the gas can & ran to the gas station. I was flustered but thankful I had some cash on me, even if it was meant for something else initially. It was my only form of payment in that moment.  I got in line & in light tears asked the guy how much I needed and how much it would cost & then headed out to fill it up.  Only it wouldn't fill up.  Fortunately for me, another attendant noticed my frustration and offered to help me.  I gladly accepted and he mentioned sometimes you have to "re-click" the nozzle in and out of its holder and then try again.  He did & I was thrilled. He asked if I knew what to do and I responded with a definite "yes!" as I had troubleshooted the gas can back at the car just minutes before.

Feeling a little more relieved, I headed for the car, only to see what I thought was a cop behind it. Panicked I was now receiving a ticket, I started to run but I had a crosswalk on a major street in front of me and was in my walking sandals.  (Yes, walking.  I love them for that because I am not a "shoe person" but they are not good for running.)  He was gone before I got there. I was nervous. Upon arriving, however, no ticket... phew! However, as cars whizzed past & I waited to try & fill my tank, I realized I had NO idea what I was doing. I really didn't The gas just sat in the top & it kept spilling when I tried to push it in. I was panicked yet again, having not even checked the time yet.  Finally, I saw a woman walking past and reached out for help.  She stopped to see what I was up to, saying she didn't know how to fill it either but after talking, offered to help find someone.  I ran after her to the nearby grocery store & we asked some gentleman in front of the store for help. Within minutes, she and both men were there with a funnel helping to fill my gas tank.  They even stayed to make sure my car made it out.  I was saved... for me, such a feat, such a stress. Now, I know how to fill up a gas tank on the side of the road, as long as there is a gas can & station available.

1 1/2 hours after leaving my house I was finally home, just minutes after my confused husband and son.  Unfortunately, it wasn't over for me.  For most of the day, I felt weak, tired & was in a bit of pain.  I had headaches, side aches, back pain... you name it. I could barely move without my eyes fluttering. I was concerned.  Even getting out with my hubby to get something done didn't energize me as normal.  In fact, it seemed to make things worse!  I had canceled a few play dates to try and feel better and it took a LONG time to even think about it.  I even convinced David to do the driving to and from Joy's school today since I was experiencing so many issues;. I was thankful for this extra time to build some of my strength back before he headed to work for the night. He sacrificed most of his day to be here for me! :-D

After arriving home, Joy & I made an attempt at our cotton candy cookies again for Women's Bible Study today.  (Still working out those bugs it seems.)  She got herself ready for dance class and they kiddos at a snack.  Daddy was gone before we knew it and we got ready and headed out for Joy's dance class.  I took her into class, then headed out to run an errand with my Micah Boo.  On our drive back, the lab called.  They asked all of the usual questions and then told me my INR was 3.6.  Yes, that's right. 3.6  After 3 weeks of under my goal range (or therapeutic), it was now over! The clinical pharmacist told me not to worry, that is was better high than low, since low promotes clotting and I have a clotting disorder. She gave me my doses for the week and asked me to do my next blood draw next Thursday. 

What a day!   But it didn't end there. As most of you know, I am praying fervently for my dear friend whose pregnancy has taken a turn towards some troubles.  At 22.5 weeks she has no amniotic fluid left.  Last I heard, baby's kidneys were also still small. Her doctor looked into a rare procedure as a possibility to help her but found out it would likely put her in labor which is not good at this stage.  She said her best chances are to get to at least 24 weeks at this point.  So 10 more days? No contractions as of yet but she is getting painful movements as baby grows with no fluid in the sac.  At 24 weeks, there is a chance the baby may be able to make it.  So miracle of miracles, we are praying!  God has a plan & I continue to pray for her.  Please continue to pray with me. 

After all of that, I was busy trying to keep things updated & done.  Hubby came home a few minutes early.  We took some time together before heading to bed.  The kids slept pretty well too. I prepared for today, a day filled with its own "adventure" but much calmer.  Today is David's 1st of 3 back-to-back days between the Round Tables here in town.  He just started his 2nd shift and should be home around 11.  I miss him.  But I am thankful, oh so thankful for where God is leading us.  So keep the prayers coming & the praises lifted high.  God is so very good to us!

That's all for now..
*Melis*


Monday, September 23, 2013

Special baby update...

So, its that time.  Another update for my sweet friend.  She's the one doctors told her she was losing her baby.  Now about a week later, things aren't appearing to get any better.  She was instructed to drink 3-4 quarts of water a day for a little bit.  However, when she got her levels checked today, the fluid was lower, pretty much gone.  Her doctor fears the baby just won't survive.  She is calling up to Stanford to see if there is anything, anything at all... The good news is baby's heart is still beating really strong.  Please keep her in your prayers... & her husband & little kids.  She is broken.  She doesn't know what to do.  She is packing her hospital bag at the point.  I have no clue what God's plan is in all of this but I do know selfishly I want this baby to make it and be super healthy.  I do pray for God's Will but in my heart I want a BIG miracle.  So pray as you will, but pray nonetheless.  This girl needs our prayers!  She is past the 1/2 way point now & really longs for this little one!  Thank you to all of you who are praying... I know she truly appreciates it. Keep it up!

That's all for now...
*Melis*

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Blessed but not depressed...

730 days of praise... If you've seen my Facebook, then you know I have challenged myself to praise God for something new every single day for 2 years straight.  Why? Because I am blessed! I did it for a year & it wasn't that hard.  This year has been especially challenging for myself & my family but I can't help thanking God for all that He has done in spite of everything that has gone "wrong."  So, for this blog I've decided to list some of the things I am thankful for & see where it ends up.  Some you may have seen already; some you may see down the line.  All are things I am currently thankful for.

1. My hubby ~ Duh!  How blessed am I to be married to this guy? We've been married for a little over 6 years but he's been my friend for over 16 years!! He is NOT who I thought God had for me back then but I am so completely thrilled God gave me this handsome man & allowed me to see past the surface & see what a gem this wonderful man is!!

2. My church friends ~ Some of these ladies are truly some of my BEST friends.  I have known them all for a year, give or take some but they are blessings beyond blessings to me!  They inspire me to be a better me with God by my side.  They are often the ones to build me up when I need the encouragement but also challenge me.  They remind me what a great church this is & that true, wonderful friends really are out there if you are paying attention.

3. My church ~ Cedar Grove Community Church in Livermore is just the right place for my family!  We have been there about 15 months now & as long as God keeps us there we will be more than willing!  We have quite a few couples we consider our friends & well as individual relationships we have each formed. The pastors are on point, clearly speaking what is on each of their hearts. It doesn't just tick off all of the boxes, it fits us.  And for that, we will be forever thankful!

4. My siblings ~ We may not all have the closest relationships but I can tell you I am glad we all are still willing to talk, even "all grown up." Life has taken us different places but I am glad that I had you 3 along the way to make life interesting & help me not be so bored!

5. My Facebook infant loss group ~ I've been a member for only a short time but these girls know how to encourage!  2 miscarriages in such a short time is not an easy thing to stomach, much less move on from.  These girls will listen to anything relating to my loss, my struggles with my PE, my frustrations with something someone said or did... as well as I get to be helpful & prayerful for them as well!

6. My "puppy" ~ Abby puts up with a lot & she deserves more cuddles than she is given.  Thankful I have her & hoping I will find more time to spend with her in the future (& give her baths ;) ~ lol)

7. My Micah Boo ~ Such a smiley boy, this little guy bumps into everything, falls off of things, survives his sister & still has a smile on his face at the end of the day!  He may not like clothes or being clean & he may have no shame... hehehe but he eats everything you put in front of him & he is by far, the best cuddler in the world!

8. My Joy Joy ~ Wow, I have a kindergartener!  She is beautiful, smart, sweet, caring, looking out so often for her brother, keeping him busy when Mommy needs to get something done, loving school, loving baths, learning how to do so many new things like brush her teeth, wash her hair, write her letters- printing & cursive, memorizing verses & poems... And it goes on.  I am so proud to be Joy Joy's mommy.  There is not another one like her in the world!

9. Sleep ~ This one is funny because I don't get much these days. However, when I do, I am usually OUT!  I am thankful to sleep when I can & enjoy cuddling with my Boo when he needs me.  

10. My Jesus ~ Who can forget Him?  He is not last here because He is last in my heart.  He is last to emphasize His importance & place in my heart!  God has been so so good to us over this rough year so far, doing so much to save us & love us & show us how to love others!!!

There is so much more to be thankful for but my body is DONE for the day & both of my kids have been asleep for a little while.  I will try & type up a part two of this one soon.  

That's all for now...
*Melis*

Friday, September 20, 2013

Prayers for my friends...

Life will never be the same.  Yesterday was different than the day before than the day before than the day before... Some days I wake up to pain.  Some I had little a care in the world.  Some are filled with urgent prayers, some with jubilant praises, & in may cases quite a few of each!  This year to this point has been a roller coaster, cliche as it may seem.  I have been up & down so many times, I cannot honestly tell you where I am at many points.  One of my friends & Bible study leaders today asked me how things were & I could not honestly tell what she was referring to.  I do know one thing though.... My God is GREAT!! No matter the tragedy or small feat, large celebration or small side step, MY God is in control of it all!  So today I bring you this briefer than normal blog, with a few more urgent & ongoing prayer requests for you...

My good friend who was told her baby wasn't doing well is being much closer monitored by her own doc it seems.  I am very happy to hear this!  Her doc has asked her to drink 3-4 quarts of water each & every day in attempts to help with the low amniotic fluid. Even though this is not easy for her, she is plodding forward, committing herself to doing the best she can.

Another friend went in for fetal surgery Wednesday for her daughter diagnosed with Spina Bifida.  I have not received any updates as of yet but I encourage you to pray for her and her family as she recovers and they wait to see the long-awaited results of whether this in fact helped her daughter.  

Both of these women have babies due in January.  So please, as you remember pray for them both.  They have what feel like long roads ahead of them I am sure but God knows and God is watching out for both of them, their little ones & their families.  They have committed themselves to praying & to serving our Lord & have really shown their faith in this so far.

To all who have continued to pray for me & for my family, thank you as well.  My INR has been under the past several weeks but again is 1.9, just below the therapeutic range. My dosage of Coumadin was once again increased some and I am doing my best to not let things get to me, as I am still less than 2 months out from the discovery of my PE (that's it?!) & these things take time.  I had a successful follow up with my OB recently as well. More on that later... 

Pray for my friends, yes?  Thanks again!
That's all for now...
*Melis*

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Happy, Sleepy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Bashful and Doc

Sneezy... Not so much lately.  Pleasantly surprised though because of where I live.
Dopey... Nope, thank you very much...
Bashful... Hardly, but I definitely have my moments!
Doc... Well I saw my hematologist recently. Does that count?
Happy... I have been praising the Lord for all He has been doing in our lives lately!
Sleepy... Just about always.  My eyes are pretty much done for tonight...
And finally.... Grumpy... Sorry world! This has been my day-ish...

Woke up, was doing okay but that changed when I hit traffic.  I have made it a habit to double check the best way to go whenever I need to head towards Livermore.  Today, I did.  Unfortunately, I somehow missed the diversion off of the freeway (an exit I have never taken) to avoid was was essentially 15 minutes to travel less than a mile to the next nearest exit to get to Bible Study. I went from 10 minutes early to 10 minutes late JUST LIKE THAT! 

Sigh...  I knew it wasn't that big of a deal.  Then it was the 2 close friends missing Bible Study today (for very good reasons). Then it was another good friend leaving early...  Then it was my kids melting down and/or clinging to me as they were clearly overtired during and following a play date, doing Joy's homeschool work, struggling to keep her focused towards the end. Ultimately, it really wasn't likely about any of the above.  I was grumpy because the past few days I have relived my losses over and over.  From David mentioning those children had so much potential as he started to grieve to grieving and praying fervently for my good friend who is being told her baby won't make it.  I just keep reliving it.  I told several leaders at Bible Study about my friend, passing along the word to gain the prayer.  I hurt. I am tired.  And it surely isn't over. It never will be.  I whimpered as a friend said the doctor doesn't know why she has experienced multiple losses of her own.  I cried inside hearing of another woman losing her baby as we speak.  My heart hurts. I never knew this pain could strike to fast and so hard, just hoping, praying and grieving for others' losses as well.  It really Never Ends... It stays put in the back of your mind for awhile but it comes back to the forefront sometimes on the worst days, at the worst possible tines. 

I will continue to love you my Sweet Little One & Squirt. I can only imagine how you must be enjoying Heaven. I look forward to being reunited one day For now, I will continue to pray and rest my hope in the Lord... and pray Grumpy stays home tomorrow.

*Melis*

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

My heart breaks!!!

My heart breaks as I hear news of a good friend finding out bad news.  She is dealing with potentially losing her baby.  She is 20 weeks.  She went for her anatomy scan yesterday and they saw an odd fluid-filled sac. Today, she went back for a 3d ultrasound.  They couldn't tell her much but told her the fluid levels were low and the kidneys were really small.  She was told baby won't make it... either to birth or this little one will die shortly after!  A genetic specialist even told her to terminate! What news! When I saw my dear friend just 2 weeks ago, everything had been going well. She had been eating well, taking care of herself and her doctor was happy with how everything was.  I can't even imagine getting that far and being told to say goodbye...

As someone who has lost 2 babies in the 2nd trimester, I know the losses are not easy, as if any loss really is.  BUT to be told something is wrong and if you see your baby, you'll be saying goodbye?  My heart.... hurts... BADLY!!!

So please join with me in prayer for a MIRACLE!  God can do all things.... ANYTHING!  I believe God has a greater plan in all of this but I HOPE & PRAY it won't end in sorrow.  Miracles DO happen EVERY single day.  So, please pray!  I know she will appreciate every word lifted up to our Jesus for her and her baby.  

Thanks...
That's all for now,
*Melis*

Monday, September 9, 2013

Major malfunction, anyone?

I lost it!  We saw it coming but we didn't know when.  Today, an issue with the Direct Sales company I work or tipped me into a long, sporadic, hard cry!  I felt horrible, miserable really, guilty too!  I was suddenly mad at the friend who hadn't been available lately too. I was so upset, my poor, sweet kids were hearing me wail from the other room, Joy worried as ever.  I never want to make my kids feel that way.  I wish in some small way I could explain to them the emotional pain David and I have been going through, as well as concerns with my health we hold.  We try not to though.  Its not their fault or their issue. They are little.  Life is fun right now.  Life is adventurous. We want to inspire that awe!

I was still irritated with the neighbors as well. They keep pushing our buttons and boy is it getting to David.  Please keep him in prayer.  As upset as it makes me, holding back is much harder for him right now.  He wants to protect us and keep them from "traumatizing" us and it is wearing on him thin. Additionally, the first new schedule didn't look right. David was short 6-8 hours and was scheduled Sunday, something he was assured would rarely, if ever happen.  He also wasn't sure about the overtime. He and I both believe whatever happened was likely unintentional but his immediate fear was the frustration of the past few years all over again.  Fortunately, he should be able to talk with his GM tonight while at work.  Prayers for that as well, please!

God is so good though.  Start looking on Facebook if you have it.  Going to start up my daily praise soon, not sure for how long but I miss it.  After listing over 15 things off in a prayer group I am currently thankful for I thought it definitely is about time I remind people of it.  Thinking a thankfulness blog is due here soon as well.  So, short and sweet I hope for now. I hope and pray you all had a wonderful day.  Thank you for reading once again... Stay tuned. We can be thankful for so many things.  Maybe I will issue a challenge? Let me know what you think.  

That's all for now...
*Melis*

Sunday, September 8, 2013

You want me to do what, God?

I am sitting here in my room feeding Micah some rainbow goldfish while Joy gets to watch her one episode on Netflix for the night. Tonight's is "Jake and the Never Land Pirates."  All would appear right with the world.  This morning we went to church. Our Sunday School class started a new series on parenting so more friends than normal are in this 10 week session.  Everyone is in good health as we kick off Joy's 2nd week of school. Today is David's very last day at Wendy's and he gets off in the next 2 hours... LIFE is GOOD!!

January 10, 2013 wasn't like this. That was the day we discovered our Squirt had passed, likely around Christmas.  That was the day I was admitted to "deliver," something we hoped would never ever happen again.  Only days later, I promised God this would be our "Year of Faith."  You should have heard the comments.  Even David told me we were asking for it.  Asking for what? Isn't God going to do what God is going to do? As a follower of Jesus, how can I not long to be stretched and molded by Him? I knew times would be bumpy, hard, challenging... you name it. I really had no idea what I was in for.  I did, however know God was in control and would always be in control.  As long as we depended on Him, we were in good hands.  He would not leave us.

And things did get worse, for lack of a better word.  After keeping our news to a small, select group, we found out on July 23, 2013, we had lost Little One.  Both losses had been in the 2nd trimester, something extremely rare I was told.  In both cases, I found out because my OB couldn't find a heartbeat with the doppler so I was sent for an ultrasound.  In both cases, it was confirmed the baby had no heartbeat.  I was miserable this time and was scheduled for a D&C that night.  The next 2 days hubby watched over me as the doctor had ordered.  Micah stayed at a good friend's house.  Joy was already at my parents.  The both arrived home that weekend, only for Sunday to come.  

I already was not looking forward to Sunday.  It was our 6 year wedding anniversary, two days before we had originally planned to find out the gender of Little One.  I was dreading passing through that week, knowing we had scheduled it as a present to ourselves.  God had other plans.  Saturday night I had some discomforts but brushed them off due to utter exhaustion.  Sunday came and something just wasn't right.  Joy was sick anyway so David and Micah headed to drop off snacks with our Sunday School and I stayed home with Joy.  If you don't remember the rest of the story, I will get to the point:  Later that night, I was admitted with a pulmonary embolism.  I spent a total of 4 days in the hospital with the best nurses on earth taking care of me!  I was sent home and had about a week on Lovenox shots and a good 6 months planned on the Coumadin, the anticoagulant that would help my body shrink the blood clot in my lungs.  

The next several weeks I visited the ER twice and called once with troubling symptoms.  Each time, it was dismissed as fairly normal or gone by that time so the concern no longer remained. I even saw my GP who said she would refer me to a pain management clinic of sorts.  So, today I'm feeling pretty decent.  The past couple of weeks I have felt more like myself. Praise the Lord! Joy loves school. We love her school and her teacher.  Micah is more active than I remember Joy ever being.  He is still stubborn about fully walking or talking but does it more and more.  He's a happy little boy who sleeps much better these days.  (It probably helps that he was finally weaned back towards the end of July.)

So today may seem like an ordinary day to most.  Yes, I am in less pain overall but I am fully aware my journey is far from over this year.  I do not see my hematologist again until the week before Thanksgiving.  If the clot is gone, we will be able to start towards getting some real answers through tests shortly after we hope.  We are excited as David is finishing his last shift at Wendy's and we can start the transition of David training more and more at Round Table to advance up progressively over the next year or two.  We feel so blessed that being faithful thus far has brought us here and we have so much hope in our future... of going back to school ourselves, putting Micah in preschool down the line, a bigger place a few years out, you name it.. God is taking great care of us and I believe rewarding us for our faithfulness.  

At the beginning of the year, my good friend told me they had just finished their "Year of Trust." She told me it was hard but well worth it.  I will admit that gave me the teensiest bit of hope to God showing us what miracles He could do but I in no way expected ANY of this.  This year has already been EXTREMELY HARD! However, I can already see God's handprints all of it.  I am looking forward to the rest of it.  I have no clue what is to come but I know now more than ever we made the right decision. This is our "Year of Faith" and I will say it loud & proud!

That's all for now...
*Melis*

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Zzzz...

It's only Thursday?
  Today was Joy's first "homeschool" day.  As apart of the school schedule, Joy spends 3 days at the school and 2 at home doing "extended homework."  Today also was the start of the new season of Women's Bible Study at church.  Today is also when we had money to buy much needed groceries.  What did this mean?  I started off the day with some help from David getting the kids ready before heading to grab coffee.  We went straight out to church where they played and I got to enjoy the lovely ladies and Bible Study.  We then headed to get a little gas, followed by two stores for groceries.  We headed by David's work to grab me a quick lunch while Micah slept briefly in the car.  We then went home where I brought in and put away groceries, fended off the overtired little boy and started working with Joy on her homework.  When I hit a point with questions, we headed back out to several more stores for grocery shopping and to pick up some more pencils for my cute girl.  We then headed home where I microwaved Kid Cuisines out of desperation and brought in and put away many, many more groceries.  I then sat down with Joy to finish her homework.  She then "decorated" her bed and got ready for bed and the kids played for a little bit. Since then, Micah went down.  Micah woke up.  Joy went down.  Micah went back down. And me?  I am ready for bed but still have a few things to do.

Was I crazy to think Joy starting school would make things easier?  Maybe its the fact that its the first week or that I am driving 30-60 minutes each day right now for school and church days at least both ways once, if not more.  Maybe its the fact that the routine isn't set or maybe its just that much more work than I realized.  Whatever it is, its exhausting.  My pain went up some, not enough to make me cry but enough to be noticeable and take closer together today.

But really... I am excited.  I have an excuse to make extra play dates, meaning I see some of my friends more, saving gas in making less trips back and forth.  Also, keeping busy tends to keep my spirits up. I am very social, not that its a surprise ;-) I could use a nap though, I mean a bedtime, hehe.  Looks like I am starting to fade.  Thank you all for the continued prayer. Took my adjusted dose of Coumadin tonight.  Next Wednesday we will see if that has made a difference.  I bought a lot of juice today.  I forgot how much I loved it.  My clinical pharmacist said its okay for me to drink the V8 VFusion I like so much as long as its consistent so that made me happen.

Well, I'm drifting so I am gonna head off.
That's all for now...
*Melis*

P.S. Please continue to keep the neighbor situation in your prayers. I sense something brewing and it is never pretty with them, despite anything we do or do not say.  Also, with everything going on, I believe I am more susceptible to an emotional outburst, as I don't have a lot of processing time to the still recent miscarriage. Thank you!

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Wow...

Wow... I knew Joy starting school would be a relief but I had NO idea how much it would affect or routines and how much transitioning would be happening simultaneously. (Must be why I keep injuring myself ~ I know, I know.)

Joy LOVES school. She is tired but she loves school. This excites me to no end. I am so happy for her.  Yesterday was her first day. When I announced she was going back the next day (today) she was jubilant, super thrilled!  Last night was also parent night at Joy's school so Joy got a play date but then went to bed later because of me having to go.

Two nights ago, I was tired and a bit flustered due to several misplaced important items. While attempting to make Joy's lunch for her first day, I somehow managed to knock over a "cookie jar." Of course it didn't just break, it shattered... all over the entrance area to the kitchen. I prayed as I quickly tried to exit the kitchen (barefoot of course), only to get a small piece of glass in my big toe. I approached my bed cautiously, able to get the glass out. Fortunately, David arrived home shortly after and helped me to find the remaining items, as well as clean up the glass.

Unfortunately, he missed some and I found another piece in my foot late last night and another piece yet again in my other big toe, as I left to take Joy to dance this evening. In all cases, it was removed but I was nervous as I have to watch myself carefully. Bleeding can be a huge issue for me if something goes haywire. I wish I could say that was the end of it.  

After sometime of not hearing anything from them, I was confronted by the neighbor below us.  Everything she did and said was harsh and I felt attacked. I felt like she was trying to make me as uncomfortable as possible. She brought her friend with her to yell at me too and demanded to see my husband when he returned home.  (He will not be going by at 3am or any other time as I have already requested we try to squash things and move on and she has ignored that request.)  David will be following up with our manager no later than tomorrow since her anger was regarding something he was involved in as well.  I felt extremely uncomfortable.  I will admit after that confrontation and from what I have heard of the manager's concerns, I am more concerned than ever.  I feel more unsafe and troubled than before.  This may all now explain why I always feel such a dark cloud is present when they are around.

Today, I went for a blood draw to check on things. I am back to 1.9 which is just outside of the therapeutic range.  I was asked to increase my Coumadin one day a week to see if that makes the difference.  Next Wednesday, I have my next blood draw to see if that does the trick.  Overall, I have been feeling more like myself and I have been able to manage my pain for the most part. I still need pain meds, verified by my hematologist but I haven;t had any out of control days recently. It has definitely been nice.

Joy loves dance too.  She let me know once again how she listened to her dance teacher and had a great time.  She looked tired to me but was still very positive and obedient.  I am impressed that she can do so well after the craziness of the week to this point! She is such a blessing from God and I adore my Joy Joy.  I am glad, however that she only attends school 3 days a week.  (The other two days are "homeschool" where she does a certain amount of homework I supervise and help as needed with.)

Micah is sleeping well.  He still wakes up a few times a night at most but it is still significantly better than before he was weaned.  He generally goes back to sleep pretty fast as well.  We are in the process of tweaking his routine though since he gets up so early with me to get Joy ready.  His nap is earlier and I am trying to squeeze a small one in a little later.  He is a very happy little boy getting so much attention and then getting to laugh and play with his sister after school.

Tomorrow, Women's Bible Study returns at church. I am excited. My kids will get to play while I get to study the Word with other ladies from our church.  Afterwards, we have a lot of grocery shopping to take care of.  Joy and I will also attempt our first "homeschool" day.  She still seems excited about even those days.  She really does light up my life, my sweet girl...

Still a bit overwhelmed from the verbal confrontation from my neighbors but I am doing my best to pray through it and stay calm. I am in need of pain relief shortly and need to make sure the alarm and grocery list are ready for tomorrow, among other things.  Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Situations with these neighbors have never been pretty (and never asked for).  We long to just have peace with them but they have made it pretty clear they dislike us and do not like anything we have done to try and keep from being loud.  (We live upstairs and they live downstairs.  Trust me, we have tried plenty of things to minimize noise and they always came back upset anyway.)  We are trying our best to live quietly and not interact with them, trying to avoid any trouble. We really just need the prayer.

Thank you all as usual for your support and prayers. This year has yet to stop surprising me.  I am thrilled with how God has blessed me and my family. He really has provided and taken care of.  Generally speaking, I really don't feel the need for much else. God keeps stepping in and I know He will continue to.

God Bless!
That's all for now..
*Melis*

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

He is with us...

So...  I burnt several fingers when I was making mac 'n cheese for dinner for the kiddos.  (I'll let you piece that one together.) I misplaced my phone. I found my Coumadin in the middle of the living room floor which led me to realize my pain meds were missing and my birth control was on the floor next to the bed. I went into the kitchen to make Joy's lunch for her first day of school, only to somehow knock the "cookie jar" on to the kitchen floor and get a small shard of glass temporarily stuck in one of my big toes trying to slowly escape the kitchen. Micah decided after falling asleep that when he awoke he would take his sweet time twice over being "ready" for bed again. I discovered some of Joy's curriculum still hadn't even shipped yet...

Just one of those days? Or evenings at least? Did I mention I have to get up in 6 hours to get myself ready to get Joy ready so she can have a fresh start her very first day of school. At least she seems to be getting enough sleep tonight... On the flip side... A friend volunteered to call my phone so I could attempt to find it while David was still on his way home. I found it as she was going to call it and made us both laugh, as she realized she didn't have my number anyway.  David found my pain meds (phew!) and is in the process of getting me ice for the bubble on my finger the burn caused.  Oh, and when my head is back on (in the morning), I can easily finish Joy's lunch.  David swept up and dealt with all of the glass (fortunately) in the kitchen.  He's agreed to go with me to take our girl to her first day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYLoigK4WSI

Even when we have a rough day, even if its full of the "little" things, God is with us.  We can trust Him.  "It might seem there's an ocean in between but He's holding on to you and me."  So comforting, so encouraging...

I am so tired.  I gotta get to bed.  I will do my best to post about the first day when I get a chance. It's parent night too so I may not get right to it.  Sleep well, my friends.
*Melis*

Monday, September 2, 2013

School is almost here!

You heard right. Joy starts Kindergarten... TOMORROW! I never thought I would be a mom who freaked out. I haven't exactly freaked out... But, I have started to get super excited for my big girl! She has been happily helping me do whatever she can to get ready from school. She and Micah went Back-to-School shopping with me last week. Today, she helped me pack up her backpack. She was also present when we picked out her backpack as well as her LEGO pencil box (which she happily chose a green color for). Last week, we attended "Meet the Teacher" at her new school. The school has moved to a new building which seems to have energized everyone there. Joy met some of the kids in her class, as well as in other grades and was beaming before leaving, telling us she had met her new friends! I have been looking forward to this day for a long time, a day when she could make friends we don't have to worry about at a place we trust. Her teacher is fantastic too. We go to church with her and I have loved her for some time as a person. She is fabulous. Joy was even excited to see her new school shoes (simple black, white & pink velcro ones), as well has her uniform. She is not at all unhappy about it. I think she sees them as special clothes... that works for me! So my little girl really is a big girl now. She's 5, starting Kindergarten and she's going to be in a classroom multiple days a week.  I am thrilled it worked out to send her to a Classical Christian school with such wonderful teachers and staff. I am thrilled she has been able to meet several nice kids with friendly parents. I am thrilled.... Oh yeah, and super excited for her! I hope to get a photo (or 500) of her tomorrow.  

That's all for now...
       *Melissa*

P.S. More blogging coming later today...

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Day in Review... Time to Overcome?

Today I woke up and realized my alarm had been set but not turned ON. Seriously?! Thank goodness for the "Micah alarm" going off! I quickly woke David up and we woke up Joy fast to get the kids ready and out the door. (Please note: Joy needs a good HOUR to get up and be a happy camper. Lesson learned. No more forgetting to TURN ON the alarm. Doh.)

All while getting ready I was becoming increasingly aware my pain was more intense than normal for a morning. Moving around so fast might have actually been making it worse but I knew we had stepped out of "medium pain." Just as we were leaving, I took something for the pain. (Oh, how I look forward to the day I do not need ANY at ALL!)

We arrived at her new school and were warmly greeted right away. Joy was shy at first (as is her usual) at meeting her teacher and new classmates. We talked to her teacher (a friend from church) and chatted with several other parents and staff at the school. David went off to ask one of them a few lingering questions we still had and set up our interview for the next day.  (Talk about cutting it close - our year!)

We enjoyed our time and then were told we could actually interview in about 15 minutes.  When the principal was ready to meet with us, Joy's wonderful teacher agreed to continue to watch our little ones in her classroom with the other kids. We headed off to meet the principal. Let me tell you: this guy is in the right position, at the right place and made me feel even more confident about our decision to send Joy to this school. He  talked a lot about the classical approach to school with the Christian worldview. I was intrigued, learning even more, while fighting off the discomfort in my body from today's pain from my PE.  He assured us at the end of the interview we were a good fit and to not worry. He would expedite her application and would see us on Tuesday for the first day of school.  I was thrilled.  I felt so much more confident than even before this was definitely where Joy belonged.

We left shortly after. We dropped David off to get ready for his first job of the day and went to WinCo to get some groceries to get us through to "payday." The kids were wonderful and made it a fairly easy trip. Upon arriving at home, I get the kids' lunch ready and went back down to the car to grab the rest of the groceries. I grimaced and grumbled as the neighbors below us yelled loud, inappropriate things (from inside their apartment) that our whole side of the complex likely heard. I was frustrated, remembering issues they had caused for us a lot of the year but tried to remain calm as I headed back into the apartment to check on the kids and start to enjoy just being home for the day.

It was then that I realized I had left my phone in the "car cart" at WinCo but I headed back to the car to double check. Sigh. I sent my hubby a text message from my e-mail to alert him while I looked for the phone to the number we rarely used. Simultaneously, I was trying to get my lunch ready with te kids themselves chatting and finishing up lunch. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed, repeatedly checking my e-mail, hoping David could call for me and/or tell me where my other phone was. Micah had slept in the care for a short time so he refused to nap, even after a "noble" attempt on my part. Thankfully, the kids played really well together while I finished up lunch and surrendered the phone search (mostly).

It was during this time that I realized my pain had truly returned and I was feeling like someone had knocked the wind out of me... yet again. There's another sigh. I tried my best to relax as long as  I could before Micah warranted my attention and I discovered mess after mess Joy had made yet again in our little apartment. I was clearly frustrated at her horrible timing and at the fact that my daughter who had been doing so well was clearly acting out more than I wanted. Even though I sensed a little bit of why she was I was still frustrated as I tried to do as quick a fix to each of the situations before sitting down on the floor to play with my Micah for a bit.  This seemed to work with him better than yesterday and I admit I was relieved he was acting more like himself than previous days this past week. I said a little "thank you" to my Jesus before praying for survival through the discomforts for the rest of the day. 

Shortly after this, I was able to check my e-mail and discover quite the relief to myself. David had gotten my messages and had been called my the man who found my phone. He had taken my phone to customer service at WinCo and David had said he would grab it for me on his way home between jobs so I would not have to get out again feeling as I was. This was definitely good news (even though I despise my phone) as I need it more than I want to admit. My anxiety was still creeping back up as my kids' energy amped up near me.  When David arrived home he decided to "Boo!" Micah Boo and ended up making me jump in the air.  I cried. I fully cried and tried to run out of the room.  Poor David. I was done.  David did his best to give Micah the attention that he wanted as he got ready pretty hastily for his second job.

I hugged my hubby as he headed out the door again for a very long shift remembering he only had so many left at Wendy's and things would get better at home soon. I was happy that no more "super late nights turned early mornings" would be in our future after the next 1.5 weeks or so.  I was still sad though as I dreaded these back-to-backs for us all. Missing daddy is hard on everyone, even daddy.  After he left, I tried to focus on getting Joy her requested bath and both of the kids their dinner. This only worked so-so but at this point that is all I needed. I kept looking at the time, anticipating Micah's bedtime.  He was doing pretty well but I was so worn and concerned about pain creeping back in that I knew him being in bed would benefit myself, his sister and him.

I finally decided to try and eat dinner and found myself feeding Micah parts of my own dinner to keep him happy. (Sound familiar?) My kids eat more than most adults I know ;) It sure seems that way some days at least. Shortly after, I put Micah down and was happily surprised he had cried himself to sleep again.  We were definitely making much more progress lately in that arena and it wasn't taking nearly as long anymore.  I tried to focus and chat with Joy, as I reminded her that she in fact would not be getting dessert due to disobeying and creating unnecessary messes today. She was frustrated and repeatedly tried to ask me but I finally convinced her to settle for a  small snack so I could get my shower in and try and get more done so we could leave tomorrow shortly after my appointment.

Fortunately for me, tonight Joy hardly fought it. After my shower, Micah needed some cuddling. After he was back asleep, she gave in and decided not to fight me on sleep anymore and fell right to sleep.  Here I was finally with time to myself. I was out of my normal coffee so I used a different one in my drink. BAD idea! It was so not the same. I wimpered.... again.... over coffee. More sigh... I gave in to the pain medication before it took me over instead and remembered I was planning on writing tonight, being real...

So now I am sitting here contemplating my day, whining to myself... both thankful and irritable about pain medication, glad to have found some Facebook support groups for infant/pregnancy loss but still pensive as they are new to me, excited and nervous for Joy to start school in ONLY 5 sleeps... still wiping my eyes as I have been ALL day (still not sure why) and thankful for so many precious friends.  I am a bit of a wreck emotionally and physically today but am trodding on as usual. I love my Lord Jesus and know He is fully in control, especially of the finances, my health and our family's future (my biggest concerns as of late)!

Posting this one again... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z29olPjFbqg
That's all for now...
   *Melis*

P.S. Hematology appointment tomorrow (finally)!!

Transitions, A Quick Update

Today, we went to "Meet the Teacher" at Joy's new school & (finally) officially got her registered. We are so excited for her. This school seems like just the right fit and are so relieved to see this all working out.  Joy starts school in 5 sleeps!  Its crazy! When did my little girl get old enough for school? Joy was such a happy girl, raving about her new friends and how excited she was.  Tomorrow, I take the kids to visit family for a few days.  Tomorrow, I finally see my hematologist for the first time since being hospitalized a little over a month ago.  In less than 2 weeks, David will be done at Wendy's and working towards a "better life" for us. So many transitions and things going on at once! We are thrilled and nervous at the same time. We are so thankful for all of the prayers to this point and ongoing. I will still be on my blood thinner at least 5 more months and we still have a ways to go until David's schedule becomes a bit more consistent. I have had a handful of medium pain days. Today is a little higher than that but not horrible, just getting there. Looking forward to being near the beach for a few days, taking in that wonderful sea air. Glad to finally have a fully healthy family.

That's all for now...
  *Melis*

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

God is good! God is good! God is good!!!

Completely drained today... I did NOT sleep well last night. I was in a moderate amount of pain but was able to manage it well enough. I spent a lot of time on Facebook in the wee hours of the morning looking through infant loss pages though. These ladies who do the work they do inspire me. I hope & pray I can find my own niche, my own way of giving back soon enough. I woke up and was still in moderate pain but at least can manage it with the help of the pain medication. Not in love with it but trying to be realistic and honest that I still do need them some. I am so worn though. It is hard facing reality sometimes, even a little bit. I am thankful to have my first hematology appointment Friday morning finally.  I am also hankful David will be home at 9pm, not 3am!

On the other side of the news... David gave his 2 weeks notice to Wendy's last night! This is fantastic news for us. Long story short, the owner at Round Table made him a deal he could not resist ;) He will be working 60 hours a week between both Round Tables in town (instead of 70-80+ between both jobs). He will be learning the business backwards, forwards and all around.  He will start training as a shift supervisor ASAP with a small raise. Overall, he will be netting about the same as before but there is a prayer this may help him down the road with all that he is learning.  Plus, he has yet to experience any drama at Round Table. Also, his bosses at Round Table have followed through on everything they have said and promised and said to him. He will be home not much later than 11pm from now on with this change as well (instead of an average of 3am). He has been told they will give him as many Sundays off as possible so we can enjoy church, home group, after church events and more time as a family. We are ecstatic! 

Please pray his bosses continue to follow through. We truly believe this may be the miracle-en-route we have been praying for six years for! We are in a place now potentially for more stability we hope in the next year or so. What great news amidst the tragedies and trials we have experienced so far this year.  I am now convinced more than ever it was the right decision to declare this year our "Year of Faith." Hence why...

God is good!  God is good!  God is good!!!

That's all for now...
        *Melis*

P.S. Was reminded of a song I used to listen to ALL of the time. Adding back to my playlist today because I am... so very BLESSED! http://w ww.youtube.com/watch?v=kQYVZHHbD40 Enjoy!

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

What a Day, What a Week, What a Year... What a Life?

A lot has been going on lately. And to to be honest, I have been doing a lot of whining. I realize that is a part of life. However, I don't want to blog while whining, for fear of saying something I cannot take back, of hurting someone else or putting forward a negative self. I believe in being honest but not hurtful to those who don't deserve it.

And on to this day... Today was the very 1st day since I was diagnosed with my PE that I actually felt like myself for a little while. I enjoyed a day where I went 19.5 hours between doses of pain meds. Its the longest I have gone and I honestly was feeling a bit better. I wasn't just trying to extend the time. It was so nice. When I finally took the pain meds tonight, I kind of smiled. I was able to go awhile between meds but I was also able to recognize when I needed them again and actually take them. Its moving forward for me physically and mentally, a little less stubborn... a little. Additionally, I got to go out with a friend and chat for a couple of hours. Since "me" time virtually does not exist anymore (and I am not complaining), it was a nice few hours.

And this week... Friday morning, I went in for a blood draw. My INR was still at 1.9 (just shy of my 2.0-3.0 they want). It had been at 1.9 Tuesday as well. So while I was happy it wasn't bouncing around, I was a little frustrated it hadn't moved up the 0.1 minimum it needed.  Friday, I was also dealing with more pain than I had since practically leaving the hospital. Even though the doctor at my ER visit earlier on had confirmed pain was normal, this was so high and uncomfortable to me, I couldn't help but say something. When my clinical pharmacist called to give me the results of my INR, I let her know. She asked me to be seen if it or my breathing got worse. As far as I was concerned, it did. We waited until the morning as the pain was as under control as it could be. I went in to the ER around 9 am after not sleeping more than an hour or two all night. (Urgent Care doesn't take my medical coverage so the ER is usually my only option when things "pop up.") There was one person in front of me. Apparently, the quiet ER didn't last, as within 30 minutes of my arrival it was a zoo. I was in a bed in the hallway, not hooked up to anything, with no nurse in sight for almost an hour. I was peeved but realized the several kids that came in after me, as well as others I am sure seemed more important. At least I acted stable. And I had come in under a strong recommendation from my CP that I had emphasized to them. (Hey, sometimes I feel like a "crazy" person. I may have said she recommended it 5 or 6 or 7 times...)

The lady from the lab finally showed up to draw my blood and I spilled emotionally all over her. She was so sweet though and really listened to me. As she was walking away, the PA on duty came to talk to me. He quickly got my explanation (in which, since I felt rushed I missed giving him info) and told me he would be checking in with the doctor and come back.  The nurse came by to let me know that I would be getting an x-ray soon.  And I laid there. Eventually, I was taken for the chest x-ray and then I laid there some more. The PA came back and told me my INR was 2.2. I was definitely surprised but thrilled to hear it. He also told me that I had a pleural effusion. Apparently, during the last ER visit it had been discovered. I had not heard about it. Its a small fluid filled sac that is usually spottted before a diagnoses of PE is made. He said it had grown slightly but did not concern him. He also said everything else looked normal. When I inquired about the spreading pain I had, he told me it was normal as well. There was a chance I could have a second PE, but the meds I am on were about the max I could be on and would help me anyway. There was no need for a CT due to the "normality" of my symptoms. I was cleared to go with a refill on my pain meds (never thought I would need those ever in my lifetime). I was happy to be out of there at that point. Once discharged, we headed to pick up my prescriptions (incl. the Coumadin refill that had been made the day before) and headed home so David could go to work. We were bummed he couldn't be home since I was running on so little sleep and I felt crummy but it was life. He wasn't closing so at least I would see him that night.

Yesterday I woke up ready to go to my blood draw and panicked at the sight of blue-purple fingernails. It looked like ink and bruising. I was confused and ran to the sink to run them under water. This helped some, as all but the thumbs faded in color some. I couldn't get it out of my mind. I went to my friend's house for a play date after the draw and waited for the usual call in the evening regarding my INR. As 6 pm came and went, I finally called my CPs. Apparently she had called earlier and left a voice mail but it never showed up on my phone somehow. She had wanted me to know I didn't need a blood draw since the one Saturday was good. As it turns out it was 2.1 (still yay!).I told her about the fingers. She seemed puzzled and concerned. With my INR under control and my pain and breathing doing much better, it didn't add up. She said to only go to the ER if the pain got worse with the discoloration. She called in the a.m. today to check. I tried to make an appointment at my clinic but the only one available was the one with the PA we had previously met at the clinic who had not treated us too well and had not helped either. She asked me to come by and see her later so she get an idea. When we saw her, she said there didn't appear to be a reason for concern. (They had significantly improved by this point and were only slightly off.) She asked me to follow up with my preferred doctor at the clinic. She was actually able to make me an appointment for Friday just to make sure. This gave us some relief so I could get out and relax for a little this evening.

And a life... I'm gonna let you know. Today, I got a glimpse of me, the side of me that is happiest, "normal" (I hate that word.) The point is that I was reminded that things WILL get better with time. This really is a rocky, hilly road with peaks and valleys. That is okay. Today I smiled again and was reminded there is life after a pulmonary embolism. Eventually, it will get smaller and hopefully even disappear. I will never be the same but that is okay. God is good. He has taken care of me so far and he will continue to do so. 

[You may have noticed I left out the "year" portion. I may be making progress BUT right now, I am not ready to go down that road. Any mention of the "baby" word reduces me into a puddle inside right now. I know I will readdress that at some point but honestly, I don't want to right now. Thank you all for continuing to read and pray. God is good and with Him and all of this fabulous support, I will make it through.]

That's all for now...
          *Melis*

Friday, August 16, 2013

Because life continues on anyway...

(I heard this song on my way home this morning.) Pray! Love this one. So appropriate and what perfect timing! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrQHNQ0hwQE

For those of you who didn't realize, when I had my D&C, Joy was enjoying a week with my parents, attending the preschool VBS at their church. She came back with a cold she was getting over. Five days later, when I was admitted with the pulmonary embolism she was acting much better but David noted Micah was stuffed up. When my parents arrived to pick them up two days later, we let them know. Midweek I heard noises made about possible pink eye. When I was released, we gave my parents Micah's medical info if needed. Upon arrival home two days later, David promptly took Micah to get checked out. They prescribed antibiotics for pink eye and an ear infection. After the expected week and a half he seemed to be doing better for a bit. Unfortunately, after 1-2 days of whining (Micah is not an excessive whiner or crier and has never been.) and a mysterious rash, I had had it. I called David at work and shared my concerns at him seeming worse instead of better. (He didn't even whine much when he was sick.) David was able to get coverage at work for a few hours and took Micah to get checked out so I could allow Joy to go to bed. Results? He has an infection caused by the antibiotics. Yep, he gets to be one of those "fortunate" ones who will have to keep an eye out for side effects such as this from antibiotics. And he's the kid who gets just about everything, or at least a lot more of the bugs than his sister (who very infrequently gets sick).

All of this to say, life goes on. What I am dealing with is serious AND important. However, my kids will still get sick. My husband will still have to go to work and deal with his back issues; he will get sick at times as well. Joy will start school soon and we will have to take care of her lunch, her homework, getting her there and home, as well as to dance. We will always have expenses, whether it be for school, extra curriculars, food, medicine, the dog, toiletries, bills etc. (You get it, right?) Life goes on. I have to learn the balance now of not just "regular" life. (Does it even exist?) I have to try and incorporate this new part of my life that will now be considered normal.  I have to take care to remember my medicine daily. I have to do my blood draws as requested (which hopefully will start to get less frequent as my INR becomes and stays therapeutic). I have to make and keep all appointments with my hematologist primarily, as well as with my OB and GP as needed, as well as any others I may be asked to see (not sure yet if I will be). I have to keep an eye on every bump, bruise and bleed. I have to report anything of significance to my Clinical Pharmacist. (She oversees my INR and instructs me on what dose of Coumadin to take.)

But... life goes on. I woke up today in immense pain. I am pretty sure the pain was there last night but I was overtired so my body didn't connect the dots to take pain relief earlier.  I am fatigued. I went out to do my blood draw and I got coffee. I plan to stay home the rest of the day. My pain meds are running low so I had to put in a request yesterday to get more. Unfortunately, they said I shouldn't anticipate them before Tuesday. Judging on my current pain level, they will likely run out tomorrow. Sigh. Oh yeah, and Micah still is whiny and sad and hurting and itching... Remember?

I feel this Serenity Prayer is appropriate. Insert here... literally.

God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 
Enjoying one moment at a time; 
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it; 
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life 
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

That's all for now...
*Melis*