Yesterday, I came to grips with the fact that I wasn't going home in 48 hours. I was told day one it could be 3-5 days. Today, I was told they were aiming for a Friday discharge but at the rate things were moving, I shouldn't count on it. Sigh. That's exactly how I felt. I was bummed. Can you say cabin fever? In a big way? My buddy and her hubby came by in the a.m. and brought me a smoothie. A friend who works at the hospital popped in as well. After that, all hopes of friends visiting today slowly but surely disappeared. Things happen and I was never mad at them, just bummed. My social, extroverted personality thrives on visits. I feel more human when friends or family are here. I feel alive.
I spent a lot of my morning crying in between visits from a doc, lab, nurses and nurses assistants. Mommy & Sis sent me photos of my kiddos having a blast, encouraging hard as I knew they weren't with me. I knew that a lot of this really was just grieving, facing my new reality, learning more about my condition and even moments of cabin fever. I constantly reminded myself that all was going to be okay, that I was in good hands and that even though I had no control, God has complete control over all of this. In my head, it makes so much sense. Let me tell you though, its a lot harder when you are laying in bed by yourself with no official discharge date.
David went back to work this morning. Today is the first of two days where he works both jobs literally back-to-back. I knew I wouldn't see him so I was that much more sad. Admittedly, I yelled at God again. I didn't understand why I was going through all of this. I lost 2 babies this year early in my second trimester, one just about a week ago. I had my first D&C (first surgery as well) ever just last Tuesday. I was admitted Sunday night (our 6th wedding anniversary) for a blood clot in my lungs, otherwise known as a pulmonary embolism. And since I have arrived, my stay has continued to be extended and I have learned more and more things about my condition that make me nervous, as well as waiting for results that have the potential to really chamge my lifestyle for the long term.
So yes, I am frustrated, angry at God and I really want to sleep in my own bed, see my kids and hubby, and just go home. I don't want to be crying every day. I want to know why life has been so hard and what will fix it. But honestly it seems God is giving me some "nos" and a lot of "Not now, please wait." But it hasn't all been bad...
Admittedly, I have had some celebratory moments. My kids are thriving at Nana & Poppy's house, especially my little clinger, Micah. It thrills me. I have been breathing way better than I was when admitted Sunday. I am down to only one pain medication, taken orally and I no longer need the anti-nausea meds. Physically, have mostly recovered from my D&C. And the support...
Wow, I feel so blessed. Yesterday beautiful flowers showed up at my room. Today a card and a balloon arrived. People who only know me as much as an acquaintance are praying in addition to all my sweet friends, family and church family. People have stayed in touch, asking for current prayer requests and any progress being made. My doctor I have seen the most is really trying to move things along for me. I can't tell you how many nurses and lab techs have let me cry and vent to them and never once criticized me.
I just feel so loved... Thank you for that. Its looking like I could be here through the weekend and I have come to terms with that for the most part. I know God is in control and to be honest, I am glad it is Him and not me. Please continue to pray for my hubby as working helps distract him but he hasn't had much time to process either the recent miscarriage or the blood clot. I promise to move forward and keep you updates as able. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart!
With Love,
*Melis*
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
And then it got WORSE!
You remember that day that was super hard? How we miscarried for the 2nd time in less than 8 months? I had a D&C, yelled at God some and cried. That was Tuesday, just about a week ago. And yes, I haven't updated you like planned. I've been a little busy...
Saturday night, Joy came home with a cold and my kids barely slept that night. We got up the next day, determining she wasn't well enough to go to church and me staying home with her was best. We had signed up for snack in Sunday School so I asked David how he wanted to handle it. He said he would take Micah to get the snack, drop it off and come home. So he did. He briefly chatted with some of our Sunday School, thanked them for all the prayer and got me coffee before coming home.
By this time, I was beyond worn and a bit sore. I expected it had something to do with the long night before but I was curious because I had a temp varying from 98.7-99.1 consistently from Saturday night through midday Sunday. This is actually very high for me as I run in the 97s regularly and even post op didn't break 98.3. David went out to get food for me and I realized that my discomforts had really become painful. When he arrived home and I had eaten, I asked him for my discharge papers from the D&C and then I hesitantly admitted him that two of the warning signs listed were actually true. I had shoulder strap pain that came and went and I had some shortness of breath and since the night before it had gotten worse. I also had pain along my right side, under my ribs and into my back. He wanted to make sure the pain subsided but he also thought I might need to go to the hospital. I convinced him to give me pain reliever and go help the coworker he had said he would help and to check on my when he got back. He did and then checked in with me. I asked him to call the nurse line on the back of our medical cards and he did, waited for a call back and finally talked to them. They said I needed to get checked. Then I asked him to let Micah sleep a little longer. He reluctantly agreed but 10 minutes later told me we needed to go, got the kids ready for the trip to the ER and drove me over.
I checked into the ER and waited and waited and waited. 3.5 hours later, I was being seen. I was nervous and praying God would lead us. The doc came in shortly after the nurses and told me that it very well could be pulled muscles but since I had been through surgery less than a week ago they wanted to run some tests to make sure it wasn't a clot. After blood work, a lung x-ray, a whole lot of waiting and a CT scan (which made me so anxious I cried initially), he delivered the bad news. I had a pulmonary embolism, a clot in my legs. Amazed I had no pain in my legs still, he said it developed in my a leg likely and launched itself up into my lungs. David and I both looked at each other and at the doctor in disbelief and immediately had a million questions. Between him, the ER nurse (who had been through this only 8 months before), and the doctor that I would be assigned to, we discovered I would be in the hospital likely 48 hours, 24 of that in the ICU. Nurses helped prep me as I said goodbye to my family and cried, still completely freaked out. As they moved me up to the ICU, I braced myself for a nerve-wracking journey but reminded myself that they had caught it early, David was the reason we found out early and they were taking good care of me. I started to update friends via messages and reminded them I was in good hands, David was amazing and God was taking good care of you. I had asked God to expand our faith this year. And I believed God had it all under control.
What I understood was that I would be on a drip blood thinner for the duration of the time, daily taking an oral blood thinner to adjust me. I would be on pain meds as needed and was given an assortment of stool softeners, potassium and other things that kept me stable and were standard. I hardly slept that first night... at all. I spent a lot of time on my phone texting and messaging people. Somehow telling people helped me start to process things. As morning came, I met a new sweet nurse (something I would continue to find comfort in), took my meds and kept in contact with people, constantly updating people and telling them God was taking care of me and everything would ultimately be okay. Midway through the day, I stubbornly didn't mention my pain and by the time I had and we had decided what to do, I was on a second pain medication and was still feeling the pain. I was miserable and angry. Once I finally relaxed some, I was finally fed (I had forgotten in the insanity) and I started to perk up. Someone came by to do an "echo" and then they told me I was being transferred. I was stoked. I was leaving the ICU. I was doing well enough to move to another room. I was doing so well and was chatting with friends I didn't feel all of the pain... until I crashed again in pain and begged for more meds.
Once I felt stable, one of the doctors came in and started talking about diagnosing where the clot from. I didn't even know this was a question. She told me that it was possible it came from the D&C and resting afterwards. She stated one other option though. She told me that during pregnancy clots do forms. Most of the time they disappear on their own but that sometimes they don't.She said it could be the reason I miscarried, both times in the second trimester. She told me with this diagnosis I would be on blood thinners forever. However, having a baby wouldn't be a risk ultimately. There would be a way to conceive and it still be safe not too far out and I would never need to expect a clot EVER! With the surgery as "cause," I would be on blood thinners for only 6 months likely but I would need to put of trying for a baby for that time. The odds of a clot coming back ever would be highly unlikely.
One of my favorite people stopped by, watched the Bachelorette with me, listened to me chat my emotions out and the pain was subsiding in a major way. I was comfortable. They told me my INR (It is related to the blood thinners. I need a 2-3 to leave.) of 1.1 and were happy with how fast it had progressed. I woke up several times during the night but celebrated the 5 or so combined hours of sleep I got.
I woke up feeling a bit more tired than I would like but was excited to be on day 2. A doctor sent over by my doctor told me I would likely be here longer than the 48 hours. This was after I requested my nurse for pain management and to use the restroom, only to wait for so long I was in tears. (Miscommunication happens.) I cried and cried for a good 10-15 minutes in front of the doctor and my nurse. They continued to encourage me, letting me know this was good, that I needed to grieve and focus on me, not constantly worry about reassuring everyone else. They were right. With meds in me, they came up with a plan to regularly be on one of the two pain meds so I wouldn't crash again, using the other as a backup plan, only as needed. I felt so reassured and realized I needed to let it go. I needed to be here. My head got it and soon my emotions reconciled and I started to get peace. I would be here for at least one more day, up to 3 more days likely. Just after this all happened, I received flowers from one of my besties and I was immediately encouraged and felt so loved.
Pain came and went and I did need a little of the IV pain med to help a little (once again waiting longer due to miscommunication). I continued to message and update friends and catnapped here and there. A plan was set up for me to sleep even better tonight. I was thrilled. An old friend who worked at the hospital came to say hello and encourage me. Shortly after, my friend from the Tracy Pregnancy Resource Center (assistant director) brought me coffee and visited while I also chatted with my wonderful parents. The usual blood draws and checks continued throughout but I felt so encouraged. I explained what I could to my parents about what was happening and thanked them for coming to get my kiddos for a few days so I could continue to get better and David could go back to work again.
They all left to meet David to get my kiddos. I knew that it was the best place for them now, as Mom didn't have work this week and they would get time also with my younger siblings and be loved on like crazy. Again, I was finding peace but acknowledging my own insecurities. That was okay. My hubby soon popped in the room to spend the evening with me. I knew he would be company but that was all I needed.
So here I am sitting here in front of one of my favorite shows catching up the best I can. Its long. I understand that but I need you to remember something: God is in control. We are not. I have no idea why I am walking this path and why I have to hurt so much this year. I know I will make it out and so will my hubby. We are choosing to focus on our relationship and our family even more over the next 6 months plus. I am nervous but excited for what this means. We really can't afford most of our bills but I know God is in control and I don't regret declaring this our year of faith. I hope to blog more before and after leaving the hospital and letting you see my heart. I hope to continue to be transparent and open, and if it helps someone, then great.
As I close this out, I am hooked up to several IVs, a heart monitor and am listening to my sweet David get some much needed rest. Please continue to pray for him, myself and our family. This is a long road we are on but I know we will overcome. If nothing else, I am reminded of how amazing life is and how God certainly does not give up on me. He has a purpose. I don't know what it is but it exists and I am thrilled for the road ahead.
That's all for now... look for more updates...
*Melis*
Saturday night, Joy came home with a cold and my kids barely slept that night. We got up the next day, determining she wasn't well enough to go to church and me staying home with her was best. We had signed up for snack in Sunday School so I asked David how he wanted to handle it. He said he would take Micah to get the snack, drop it off and come home. So he did. He briefly chatted with some of our Sunday School, thanked them for all the prayer and got me coffee before coming home.
By this time, I was beyond worn and a bit sore. I expected it had something to do with the long night before but I was curious because I had a temp varying from 98.7-99.1 consistently from Saturday night through midday Sunday. This is actually very high for me as I run in the 97s regularly and even post op didn't break 98.3. David went out to get food for me and I realized that my discomforts had really become painful. When he arrived home and I had eaten, I asked him for my discharge papers from the D&C and then I hesitantly admitted him that two of the warning signs listed were actually true. I had shoulder strap pain that came and went and I had some shortness of breath and since the night before it had gotten worse. I also had pain along my right side, under my ribs and into my back. He wanted to make sure the pain subsided but he also thought I might need to go to the hospital. I convinced him to give me pain reliever and go help the coworker he had said he would help and to check on my when he got back. He did and then checked in with me. I asked him to call the nurse line on the back of our medical cards and he did, waited for a call back and finally talked to them. They said I needed to get checked. Then I asked him to let Micah sleep a little longer. He reluctantly agreed but 10 minutes later told me we needed to go, got the kids ready for the trip to the ER and drove me over.
I checked into the ER and waited and waited and waited. 3.5 hours later, I was being seen. I was nervous and praying God would lead us. The doc came in shortly after the nurses and told me that it very well could be pulled muscles but since I had been through surgery less than a week ago they wanted to run some tests to make sure it wasn't a clot. After blood work, a lung x-ray, a whole lot of waiting and a CT scan (which made me so anxious I cried initially), he delivered the bad news. I had a pulmonary embolism, a clot in my legs. Amazed I had no pain in my legs still, he said it developed in my a leg likely and launched itself up into my lungs. David and I both looked at each other and at the doctor in disbelief and immediately had a million questions. Between him, the ER nurse (who had been through this only 8 months before), and the doctor that I would be assigned to, we discovered I would be in the hospital likely 48 hours, 24 of that in the ICU. Nurses helped prep me as I said goodbye to my family and cried, still completely freaked out. As they moved me up to the ICU, I braced myself for a nerve-wracking journey but reminded myself that they had caught it early, David was the reason we found out early and they were taking good care of me. I started to update friends via messages and reminded them I was in good hands, David was amazing and God was taking good care of you. I had asked God to expand our faith this year. And I believed God had it all under control.
What I understood was that I would be on a drip blood thinner for the duration of the time, daily taking an oral blood thinner to adjust me. I would be on pain meds as needed and was given an assortment of stool softeners, potassium and other things that kept me stable and were standard. I hardly slept that first night... at all. I spent a lot of time on my phone texting and messaging people. Somehow telling people helped me start to process things. As morning came, I met a new sweet nurse (something I would continue to find comfort in), took my meds and kept in contact with people, constantly updating people and telling them God was taking care of me and everything would ultimately be okay. Midway through the day, I stubbornly didn't mention my pain and by the time I had and we had decided what to do, I was on a second pain medication and was still feeling the pain. I was miserable and angry. Once I finally relaxed some, I was finally fed (I had forgotten in the insanity) and I started to perk up. Someone came by to do an "echo" and then they told me I was being transferred. I was stoked. I was leaving the ICU. I was doing well enough to move to another room. I was doing so well and was chatting with friends I didn't feel all of the pain... until I crashed again in pain and begged for more meds.
Once I felt stable, one of the doctors came in and started talking about diagnosing where the clot from. I didn't even know this was a question. She told me that it was possible it came from the D&C and resting afterwards. She stated one other option though. She told me that during pregnancy clots do forms. Most of the time they disappear on their own but that sometimes they don't.She said it could be the reason I miscarried, both times in the second trimester. She told me with this diagnosis I would be on blood thinners forever. However, having a baby wouldn't be a risk ultimately. There would be a way to conceive and it still be safe not too far out and I would never need to expect a clot EVER! With the surgery as "cause," I would be on blood thinners for only 6 months likely but I would need to put of trying for a baby for that time. The odds of a clot coming back ever would be highly unlikely.
One of my favorite people stopped by, watched the Bachelorette with me, listened to me chat my emotions out and the pain was subsiding in a major way. I was comfortable. They told me my INR (It is related to the blood thinners. I need a 2-3 to leave.) of 1.1 and were happy with how fast it had progressed. I woke up several times during the night but celebrated the 5 or so combined hours of sleep I got.
I woke up feeling a bit more tired than I would like but was excited to be on day 2. A doctor sent over by my doctor told me I would likely be here longer than the 48 hours. This was after I requested my nurse for pain management and to use the restroom, only to wait for so long I was in tears. (Miscommunication happens.) I cried and cried for a good 10-15 minutes in front of the doctor and my nurse. They continued to encourage me, letting me know this was good, that I needed to grieve and focus on me, not constantly worry about reassuring everyone else. They were right. With meds in me, they came up with a plan to regularly be on one of the two pain meds so I wouldn't crash again, using the other as a backup plan, only as needed. I felt so reassured and realized I needed to let it go. I needed to be here. My head got it and soon my emotions reconciled and I started to get peace. I would be here for at least one more day, up to 3 more days likely. Just after this all happened, I received flowers from one of my besties and I was immediately encouraged and felt so loved.
Pain came and went and I did need a little of the IV pain med to help a little (once again waiting longer due to miscommunication). I continued to message and update friends and catnapped here and there. A plan was set up for me to sleep even better tonight. I was thrilled. An old friend who worked at the hospital came to say hello and encourage me. Shortly after, my friend from the Tracy Pregnancy Resource Center (assistant director) brought me coffee and visited while I also chatted with my wonderful parents. The usual blood draws and checks continued throughout but I felt so encouraged. I explained what I could to my parents about what was happening and thanked them for coming to get my kiddos for a few days so I could continue to get better and David could go back to work again.
They all left to meet David to get my kiddos. I knew that it was the best place for them now, as Mom didn't have work this week and they would get time also with my younger siblings and be loved on like crazy. Again, I was finding peace but acknowledging my own insecurities. That was okay. My hubby soon popped in the room to spend the evening with me. I knew he would be company but that was all I needed.
So here I am sitting here in front of one of my favorite shows catching up the best I can. Its long. I understand that but I need you to remember something: God is in control. We are not. I have no idea why I am walking this path and why I have to hurt so much this year. I know I will make it out and so will my hubby. We are choosing to focus on our relationship and our family even more over the next 6 months plus. I am nervous but excited for what this means. We really can't afford most of our bills but I know God is in control and I don't regret declaring this our year of faith. I hope to blog more before and after leaving the hospital and letting you see my heart. I hope to continue to be transparent and open, and if it helps someone, then great.
As I close this out, I am hooked up to several IVs, a heart monitor and am listening to my sweet David get some much needed rest. Please continue to pray for him, myself and our family. This is a long road we are on but I know we will overcome. If nothing else, I am reminded of how amazing life is and how God certainly does not give up on me. He has a purpose. I don't know what it is but it exists and I am thrilled for the road ahead.
That's all for now... look for more updates...
*Melis*
Saturday, July 27, 2013
No, not my day or his day or his day or her day...
What a day! Joy came home this morning. It was so nice to see her smiling face as she walked into the house. Unfortunately, she has a cold. And when Joy has a cold, nobody's happy. Her poor nose and ear were hurting all day. Micah decided naps were obsolete today but we finally "convinced" him, only for him to wake up 30 minutes later. David was productive all morning but then afternoon hit and it occurred to him that we really had lost our baby this week. David headed off to work this evening and Joy amped up the screaming. Every time something hurt, she screamed. In turn, Micah, Mr. Overtired wouldn't sleep. At points, Joy would make him laugh and he'd focus on her, rather than sleeping. My one attempt to put him down resorted in louder screaming. Finally, after longer than I would like, Joy laid down in her room and Micah crashed next to me. I put him in his bed to find a restless Joy, who I invited into my room. The pain seemed to be getting worse, so even though I didn't think I would find any, I set out to find the Children's Tylenol. I found it and gave it to her. Less than 5 minutes later, she was out... on my bed. Oh well. Dazed and exhausted, I remembered not only is tomorrow our 6th wedding anniversary but that at this rate, we wouldn't be taking Joy to church which means one of us will have to take the snacks to Sunday School with Micah but not with the other. Today, admittedly I resented several people and cried some as well as we stressed over how we really don't have money for rent and rent is due in about a week. Sigh. On top of all this, my temp went up slightly for a bit but fortunately went down about an hour later some. I feel like my breathing is a little hampered as well. Please pray for us. This is all hitting us at once and David will likely be working beyond insane hours as usual this week, despite the fact that they will not be enough on paper to pay our upcoming bills. We're both exhausted and drained and our kids have no idea. Thank you for the continued prayer. We need A LOT. I think its bed time finally. Sigh.
That's all for now...
*Melis*
That's all for now...
*Melis*
Friday, July 26, 2013
I packed and I cried...
I packed them away. Yep, already. Last time, I stared at them through the crack in between closet doors and dwelled on what to do for weeks before making a decision. This time, I needed to start moving forward. It brings tears to my eyes as I realize I was just starting to really need to wear my maternity clothes but I have faith one day I will put them on again for the entire duration of pregnancy.
I finally installed some programs on my computer I got in February. I reinstalled things that disappeared before the recent reboot of my laptop. I did some vacuuming in my room to regain some floor space. I swept up dog food Micah had spillednthe bathroom David had just cleaned yesterday. I started researching Joy's birthday trip next spring. I kept busy... I had moments where I momentarily sat in silence and fought back the tears. Today, for me was about getting up and physically starting to move forward. I wimper slightly as I realize this is the second baby this year I will never hold in my arms on this earth. I look at my little boy smiling and thank God for him but tear up as I realize no babies live here. Micah is finally weaned, Joy is about to start kindergarten, and two angels are gracing Heaven with their beautiful smiles. Sometimes I wish I could fast forward to 20 weeks in a future pregnancy and celebrate a baby to come but I know that is not how God works. I have no idea what He has in store for us, nor do I understand why He chose to bring my two babies home so soon but I cling to His promises to help me overcome each day and live life to the fullest.
I realize I live a different life now. I have four dates each year that tears will likely regularly come to my eyes, two angelversaries and two original due dates. I hope that in future years I will have a smile as well as I start to see God working more and more through our lives and the tragedies we have experienced. I long to hold my babies one day but keep reminding myself God is holding them for me.
I miss you Squirt. I miss you Little One.
*Mommy*
I finally installed some programs on my computer I got in February. I reinstalled things that disappeared before the recent reboot of my laptop. I did some vacuuming in my room to regain some floor space. I swept up dog food Micah had spillednthe bathroom David had just cleaned yesterday. I started researching Joy's birthday trip next spring. I kept busy... I had moments where I momentarily sat in silence and fought back the tears. Today, for me was about getting up and physically starting to move forward. I wimper slightly as I realize this is the second baby this year I will never hold in my arms on this earth. I look at my little boy smiling and thank God for him but tear up as I realize no babies live here. Micah is finally weaned, Joy is about to start kindergarten, and two angels are gracing Heaven with their beautiful smiles. Sometimes I wish I could fast forward to 20 weeks in a future pregnancy and celebrate a baby to come but I know that is not how God works. I have no idea what He has in store for us, nor do I understand why He chose to bring my two babies home so soon but I cling to His promises to help me overcome each day and live life to the fullest.
I realize I live a different life now. I have four dates each year that tears will likely regularly come to my eyes, two angelversaries and two original due dates. I hope that in future years I will have a smile as well as I start to see God working more and more through our lives and the tragedies we have experienced. I long to hold my babies one day but keep reminding myself God is holding them for me.
I miss you Squirt. I miss you Little One.
*Mommy*
Meet my friends :)
Meet my friends, Cuddles & Sprinkles. As a tradition, we build our children a bear before or close to their birth at Build-A-Bear. Shortly before we learned of Squirt's official passing, we had bought Cuddles, the light-up bear. It broke our hearts initially looking at the bear after we found out but soon became a welcome part of our lives as something that reminded us of our Squirt's brief time with us and the knowledge our baby was now with Jesus in Heaven. Joy and Micah really enjoy cuddling and sleeping with Cuddles, as well as holding and playing with him. For Joy, it was a reminder of someone lost but a good reminder that Jesus was holding baby Squirt tight. Just after we learned of Little One's passing earlier this week, I told my David that I needed something to hold, cuddle and remember by. He promptly took me to Build-A-Bear to pick out another one. I hope and pray the next bear we build will be for our rainbow baby and that more will come for future siblings we long to have. For now though, we have sweet memories to remember our angels. We are glad they are hanging out with Jesus in Heaven now and look forward to our reunion with them one day.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
When My Spirit Gets Too Weak...
*WARNING: Sad post ahead. Real post ahead. Come back later if you need to smile today.*
You know when you are about to reach a milestone? Or something you've been looking forward to? That's where I was. I was just about to announce my news, about to start wearing the different clothes... and then Tuesday happened.
My rescheduled appointment with my doctor was that day. I had Micah with me so David could work in the morning and release me for a night out with a girl friend. After what seemed like a ridiculously long wait, a high blood pressure reading and nervousness that is hard to explain, he said it. "It looks like you are going for another ultrasound." My heart sank. The doppler didn't find the heart beat, the heart beat of what I thought was my rainbow baby, the baby that was to be born this winter, after our experience with losing little Squirt last winter. The drive just a few minutes away and the wait at the lab felt like ages. Keeping Micah busy and staying calm was harder than ever.
I went into the room and the words from the ultrasound tech hinted to what I had already suspected. He was surprised my doc couldn't get the heart beat and he couldn't tell me anything, just show me the screen. I knew it. We had lost yet another baby, our rainbow, or so we had thought.
After a long ride home and a drive back by David with sleeping Micah in the back, we headed back to the doc to wait again. He confirmed it. Just days before, Little One had passed... just a few days ago and his face showed his own confusion. I was past 15 weeks, even further than before by a week or two and the baby hadn't made it. I was in my 2nd trimester. This wasn't supposed to happen. He asked me how soon I wanted to move forward. I replied ASAP and he made it happen. That evening, confused and perplexed and in tears, I awaited the D&E. After anti-anxiety meds, an IV for hydration, anti-nausea meds and several more delays, they put me under and before I knew it, I was awake. And I knew what had just happened. I didn't have my Little One anymore and I didn't know what to do.
David picked me up. We went to pick up more prescriptions, get some food and tried to comfort each other. We felt blessed Joy was already at my parents for the week as planned long in advance and our dear friends, Sarah & Matt had Micah. I was nervous, as Micah had mostly been weaned but not completely and I had never spent a night without him. I trusted my husband, my good friends and my God. I didn't sleep much, despite the meds that had a sleepy side effect. I felt thrilled I didn't need the stronger pain meds, just the ibuprofen and was glad to be eating again without feeling sick to my stomach.
...
I'm not going to pretend I am okay or that I understand any of this. I am completely and utterly heartbroken. I yelled at God night one and I let Him have it. I cried and cried. I resented my own body for failing at what I thought should have been a no-brainer. I was mad because the first trimester had easily been my hardest yet, physically and emotionally. I was mad I had to cancel a party and I wasn't able to do any special reveals to Joy, our family or anyone else. I cried and cried and cried and I slept very little.
Physically, I can see the healing happening and today I woke up feeling a little more human, seeing the color come back into my face, able to take a shower and breathe a little. I know this journey is far from over and I am nervous about where God is going to take us from here but I am choosing to deal... at my own pace, in my own way, and support my husband through it as best as I can. It's interesting that the song, "Overcomer" by Mandisa has been so important to me recently because I can see how this song may just need to be played over and over and over for awhile to remind me not to give up. I know God has plans. Sometimes I just wish I had a clue why he chose me, us for this path with so much pain.
I hope to open up more and more about this in the weeks to come. Be prepared for a lot of raw emotion as I explore what this means to me and my family. In a few weeks, doc will do some blood work to see if it can shed any answers for us but for now I am choosing to trust God, trust the process and trust my very best friend on this earth, my Davey. I am so very thankful for my Joy and Micah and that I still have those 2 beautiful children to smile at and spend time with. We are in need of a ridiculous amount of prayer. Thank you all for praying for us to this point.
And remember, I am still here. I like to talk to people and whenever possible, I will answer questions and open up about this. I want to start using this to minister to others in whatever way God chooses. Please pray about that for me as its been on my heart for quite some time. I am gonna finally close this post out for now. Feel free to pass it on to anyone you think could use this. I strive to be genuine and real and share what is really on my heart. I want to do for others what I wish I had for me the first time around. I just want others to know they aren't alone. Enjoy this beautiful song...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z29olPjFbqg
That's all for now...
*Melis*
You know when you are about to reach a milestone? Or something you've been looking forward to? That's where I was. I was just about to announce my news, about to start wearing the different clothes... and then Tuesday happened.
My rescheduled appointment with my doctor was that day. I had Micah with me so David could work in the morning and release me for a night out with a girl friend. After what seemed like a ridiculously long wait, a high blood pressure reading and nervousness that is hard to explain, he said it. "It looks like you are going for another ultrasound." My heart sank. The doppler didn't find the heart beat, the heart beat of what I thought was my rainbow baby, the baby that was to be born this winter, after our experience with losing little Squirt last winter. The drive just a few minutes away and the wait at the lab felt like ages. Keeping Micah busy and staying calm was harder than ever.
I went into the room and the words from the ultrasound tech hinted to what I had already suspected. He was surprised my doc couldn't get the heart beat and he couldn't tell me anything, just show me the screen. I knew it. We had lost yet another baby, our rainbow, or so we had thought.
After a long ride home and a drive back by David with sleeping Micah in the back, we headed back to the doc to wait again. He confirmed it. Just days before, Little One had passed... just a few days ago and his face showed his own confusion. I was past 15 weeks, even further than before by a week or two and the baby hadn't made it. I was in my 2nd trimester. This wasn't supposed to happen. He asked me how soon I wanted to move forward. I replied ASAP and he made it happen. That evening, confused and perplexed and in tears, I awaited the D&E. After anti-anxiety meds, an IV for hydration, anti-nausea meds and several more delays, they put me under and before I knew it, I was awake. And I knew what had just happened. I didn't have my Little One anymore and I didn't know what to do.
David picked me up. We went to pick up more prescriptions, get some food and tried to comfort each other. We felt blessed Joy was already at my parents for the week as planned long in advance and our dear friends, Sarah & Matt had Micah. I was nervous, as Micah had mostly been weaned but not completely and I had never spent a night without him. I trusted my husband, my good friends and my God. I didn't sleep much, despite the meds that had a sleepy side effect. I felt thrilled I didn't need the stronger pain meds, just the ibuprofen and was glad to be eating again without feeling sick to my stomach.
...
I'm not going to pretend I am okay or that I understand any of this. I am completely and utterly heartbroken. I yelled at God night one and I let Him have it. I cried and cried. I resented my own body for failing at what I thought should have been a no-brainer. I was mad because the first trimester had easily been my hardest yet, physically and emotionally. I was mad I had to cancel a party and I wasn't able to do any special reveals to Joy, our family or anyone else. I cried and cried and cried and I slept very little.
Physically, I can see the healing happening and today I woke up feeling a little more human, seeing the color come back into my face, able to take a shower and breathe a little. I know this journey is far from over and I am nervous about where God is going to take us from here but I am choosing to deal... at my own pace, in my own way, and support my husband through it as best as I can. It's interesting that the song, "Overcomer" by Mandisa has been so important to me recently because I can see how this song may just need to be played over and over and over for awhile to remind me not to give up. I know God has plans. Sometimes I just wish I had a clue why he chose me, us for this path with so much pain.
I hope to open up more and more about this in the weeks to come. Be prepared for a lot of raw emotion as I explore what this means to me and my family. In a few weeks, doc will do some blood work to see if it can shed any answers for us but for now I am choosing to trust God, trust the process and trust my very best friend on this earth, my Davey. I am so very thankful for my Joy and Micah and that I still have those 2 beautiful children to smile at and spend time with. We are in need of a ridiculous amount of prayer. Thank you all for praying for us to this point.
And remember, I am still here. I like to talk to people and whenever possible, I will answer questions and open up about this. I want to start using this to minister to others in whatever way God chooses. Please pray about that for me as its been on my heart for quite some time. I am gonna finally close this post out for now. Feel free to pass it on to anyone you think could use this. I strive to be genuine and real and share what is really on my heart. I want to do for others what I wish I had for me the first time around. I just want others to know they aren't alone. Enjoy this beautiful song...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z29olPjFbqg
That's all for now...
*Melis*
Monday, July 22, 2013
Exhausted, Emotional, Beloved
What a day!
I feel so blessed. My parents borrowed Joy for this week so Micah and I had our first day, just the two of us today with Daddy at work. We just hung out, ran a few errands, had lots of kisses, made funny faces at each other and talked about "Dadda." It was such a calm & relaxing day. We were looking forward to David coming home for the evening. (It has been a LONG time since we have had him home for any evening at all..) I called him as he was getting off and he gave me the news that his other job had called him in just then, on a normal day off from there. I was so ridiculously upset, I cried and cried and cried. Looking back, I feel a bit embarrassed letting myself get so emotional about it. Honestly though, it has been ages since we have had dinner together, or Micah has had much time with him. (He is currently a Daddy's boy.) I longed to spend the evening with him but ultimately resigned myself to letting it happen. And as usual, Micah made me smile. His kisses and smiles and cute little voice just reminded me once again how much I love him, Joy Joy and my Davey.
Tomorrow, I get a night out with a dear friend. (Score another for David's newest job for a second night off.) We decided it was best for me to keep these plans as it has been too long since I have had real buddy time. Micah and I have a play date tomorrow too so I get more friend time. I will miss my hubby yet again but I look forward to coming home at the end and falling asleep right next to him. I am reminded a lot lately how truly blessed I am by family and friends and the support I have on a daily basis. I look forward to blogging more again soon as I continue to process the journey I am on in life. I am so thrilled to be in love with a Savior such as Christ and to have Him continually watching over me and all of my loved ones. Great reminder. Stoked to post the video below. It's finally out! And so appropriate as it is the one that came on the radio shortly after David left for shift #2 that I am an Overcomer...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z29olPjFbqg
Overcome & Sleep Well...
*Melis*
I feel so blessed. My parents borrowed Joy for this week so Micah and I had our first day, just the two of us today with Daddy at work. We just hung out, ran a few errands, had lots of kisses, made funny faces at each other and talked about "Dadda." It was such a calm & relaxing day. We were looking forward to David coming home for the evening. (It has been a LONG time since we have had him home for any evening at all..) I called him as he was getting off and he gave me the news that his other job had called him in just then, on a normal day off from there. I was so ridiculously upset, I cried and cried and cried. Looking back, I feel a bit embarrassed letting myself get so emotional about it. Honestly though, it has been ages since we have had dinner together, or Micah has had much time with him. (He is currently a Daddy's boy.) I longed to spend the evening with him but ultimately resigned myself to letting it happen. And as usual, Micah made me smile. His kisses and smiles and cute little voice just reminded me once again how much I love him, Joy Joy and my Davey.
Tomorrow, I get a night out with a dear friend. (Score another for David's newest job for a second night off.) We decided it was best for me to keep these plans as it has been too long since I have had real buddy time. Micah and I have a play date tomorrow too so I get more friend time. I will miss my hubby yet again but I look forward to coming home at the end and falling asleep right next to him. I am reminded a lot lately how truly blessed I am by family and friends and the support I have on a daily basis. I look forward to blogging more again soon as I continue to process the journey I am on in life. I am so thrilled to be in love with a Savior such as Christ and to have Him continually watching over me and all of my loved ones. Great reminder. Stoked to post the video below. It's finally out! And so appropriate as it is the one that came on the radio shortly after David left for shift #2 that I am an Overcomer...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z29olPjFbqg
Overcome & Sleep Well...
*Melis*
Friday, July 12, 2013
What a blur!
So emotional today... and I'm not quite sure why? It feels like this week has flown by (which has not been normal for me) and to be honest, I don't remember most of it! I've felt pretty good. The kids have been pleasant. My hubby and I are sleeping more as Micah is progressively night weaning. The heat has come down some so that has helped (despite a constant issue with our AC & a non-urgent apartment). This week has not been busy but it hasn't been boring. And today, I almost cried. Perhaps, its been the constant attention I have given the SF plan crash just about a week ago. What I read today was more information they are revealing that just broke my heart. I watched a clip about Mandisa's "Overcomer" that just touched my heart. Joy acted like she didn't feel well but other than whiny this evening, I was puzzled but still my heart wondered if I was missing something and felt bad for any emotional reaction I had. So today was emotional. This week was a blur. What a day, what a week... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqbAc_0lfwY&feature=youtu.be Check it out to encourage you!
That's all for now...
*Melis*
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
6 months of an Angel...
Today is a day I didn't see coming. It wasn't until someone in one of the pages I followed mentioned something similar that I realized, the 6 month "angelversary" of our little Squirt was approaching. Today it is here. Its a little conflicting for me as one of my longest, dearest friends is celebrating her birthday today and her daughter is almost 6 months old as well. Life hasn't gotten a ton easier in some areas but I will admit I have felt some healing amongst the craziness of life, some rare calm. I truly miss our little Squirt but am really thrilled for what God is and will be doing in our lives in the months to come. Micah adds new skills, words and cute habits weekly at least and he is still the best little cuddler I know! Joy has been a sponge, catching on to things securely I didn't know she could. And of course, she is still "a princess!" David's support of our family is unwavering and I am thankful to be still very much married to my best friend!
Remembering my Squirt today...
Melis
Weekend away...
I woke up Thursday and decided I had had it! I was hot, tired and the AC was so inconsistent I couldn't imagine staying in with my kids for the next several days while my hubby worked. I had previously told people I couldn't imagine leaving the house after the busy-ness that had engulfed us for days before. That day, the 4th of July, I woke up, looked at my hubby and asked him if it was okay if I took the kids to my parents for a few days. He agreed and I reluctantly and sleepily sorted through clean clothes that hadn't been yet sorted.
I kept questioning my own sanity but ultimately got the basics ready and headed out the door with the kids. I loaded the car and said goodbye to my sweet hubby. I was definitely still speculating insanity on my part as it was a holiday and I was heading towards the beach but I did it. I stopped by David's work a little after leaving to grab the card, grabbed the kids food locally and then headed out. We passed a fire on the freeway (at least the 2nd we've seen this season) and I thanked the Lord it wasn't backing up our side of the freeway or causing issues for us in any way, shape or form. We were making good time when we hit San Jose and then took 40 minutes to merge and merge and merge (did I mention the merging). GPS announced more traffic ahead as I realized we needed gas. Thankful I was in familiar territory, I got some gas to get me to my parents and took an alternate route that cut the rest of our trip in half.
Arriving in almost twice the time, I breathed in the salty, sea air that often wafted up to my parents house. We hadn't been down in some time, at least not for more than a day and I decided this trip was already worth it. The kids were elated. Micah couldn't believe how much room there was to move around and how fun the toys were. Joy immediately found my sister and the day progressed in an uneventful fashion. Later that evening, we had a bbq at my aunt and uncle's house. It was calm and enjoyable and I was more than thrilled to have a worn out Micah to put to bed that night.
The weekend progressed and was cool outside, just as I had missed. I felt more relaxed and took this to be a retreat for my body and sanity.
The final day, I went to lunch with a childhood friend due with her first baby soon. That night we ate at a familiar, loved Chinese place I hadn't been to in ages. I am glad we made the trip and glad my kids were able to enjoy themselves. It was good for the spirit and I know in the future where to go when I really need a break for just a few days. Sometimes God speaks to us in ways we don't expect and in places we don't expect.
That's all for now..
Melis
I kept questioning my own sanity but ultimately got the basics ready and headed out the door with the kids. I loaded the car and said goodbye to my sweet hubby. I was definitely still speculating insanity on my part as it was a holiday and I was heading towards the beach but I did it. I stopped by David's work a little after leaving to grab the card, grabbed the kids food locally and then headed out. We passed a fire on the freeway (at least the 2nd we've seen this season) and I thanked the Lord it wasn't backing up our side of the freeway or causing issues for us in any way, shape or form. We were making good time when we hit San Jose and then took 40 minutes to merge and merge and merge (did I mention the merging). GPS announced more traffic ahead as I realized we needed gas. Thankful I was in familiar territory, I got some gas to get me to my parents and took an alternate route that cut the rest of our trip in half.
Arriving in almost twice the time, I breathed in the salty, sea air that often wafted up to my parents house. We hadn't been down in some time, at least not for more than a day and I decided this trip was already worth it. The kids were elated. Micah couldn't believe how much room there was to move around and how fun the toys were. Joy immediately found my sister and the day progressed in an uneventful fashion. Later that evening, we had a bbq at my aunt and uncle's house. It was calm and enjoyable and I was more than thrilled to have a worn out Micah to put to bed that night.
The weekend progressed and was cool outside, just as I had missed. I felt more relaxed and took this to be a retreat for my body and sanity.
The final day, I went to lunch with a childhood friend due with her first baby soon. That night we ate at a familiar, loved Chinese place I hadn't been to in ages. I am glad we made the trip and glad my kids were able to enjoy themselves. It was good for the spirit and I know in the future where to go when I really need a break for just a few days. Sometimes God speaks to us in ways we don't expect and in places we don't expect.
That's all for now..
Melis
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