Yesterday, I came to grips with the fact that I wasn't going home in 48 hours. I was told day one it could be 3-5 days. Today, I was told they were aiming for a Friday discharge but at the rate things were moving, I shouldn't count on it. Sigh. That's exactly how I felt. I was bummed. Can you say cabin fever? In a big way? My buddy and her hubby came by in the a.m. and brought me a smoothie. A friend who works at the hospital popped in as well. After that, all hopes of friends visiting today slowly but surely disappeared. Things happen and I was never mad at them, just bummed. My social, extroverted personality thrives on visits. I feel more human when friends or family are here. I feel alive.
I spent a lot of my morning crying in between visits from a doc, lab, nurses and nurses assistants. Mommy & Sis sent me photos of my kiddos having a blast, encouraging hard as I knew they weren't with me. I knew that a lot of this really was just grieving, facing my new reality, learning more about my condition and even moments of cabin fever. I constantly reminded myself that all was going to be okay, that I was in good hands and that even though I had no control, God has complete control over all of this. In my head, it makes so much sense. Let me tell you though, its a lot harder when you are laying in bed by yourself with no official discharge date.
David went back to work this morning. Today is the first of two days where he works both jobs literally back-to-back. I knew I wouldn't see him so I was that much more sad. Admittedly, I yelled at God again. I didn't understand why I was going through all of this. I lost 2 babies this year early in my second trimester, one just about a week ago. I had my first D&C (first surgery as well) ever just last Tuesday. I was admitted Sunday night (our 6th wedding anniversary) for a blood clot in my lungs, otherwise known as a pulmonary embolism. And since I have arrived, my stay has continued to be extended and I have learned more and more things about my condition that make me nervous, as well as waiting for results that have the potential to really chamge my lifestyle for the long term.
So yes, I am frustrated, angry at God and I really want to sleep in my own bed, see my kids and hubby, and just go home. I don't want to be crying every day. I want to know why life has been so hard and what will fix it. But honestly it seems God is giving me some "nos" and a lot of "Not now, please wait." But it hasn't all been bad...
Admittedly, I have had some celebratory moments. My kids are thriving at Nana & Poppy's house, especially my little clinger, Micah. It thrills me. I have been breathing way better than I was when admitted Sunday. I am down to only one pain medication, taken orally and I no longer need the anti-nausea meds. Physically, have mostly recovered from my D&C. And the support...
Wow, I feel so blessed. Yesterday beautiful flowers showed up at my room. Today a card and a balloon arrived. People who only know me as much as an acquaintance are praying in addition to all my sweet friends, family and church family. People have stayed in touch, asking for current prayer requests and any progress being made. My doctor I have seen the most is really trying to move things along for me. I can't tell you how many nurses and lab techs have let me cry and vent to them and never once criticized me.
I just feel so loved... Thank you for that. Its looking like I could be here through the weekend and I have come to terms with that for the most part. I know God is in control and to be honest, I am glad it is Him and not me. Please continue to pray for my hubby as working helps distract him but he hasn't had much time to process either the recent miscarriage or the blood clot. I promise to move forward and keep you updates as able. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart!
With Love,
*Melis*
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