I packed them away. Yep, already. Last time, I stared at them through the crack in between closet doors and dwelled on what to do for weeks before making a decision. This time, I needed to start moving forward. It brings tears to my eyes as I realize I was just starting to really need to wear my maternity clothes but I have faith one day I will put them on again for the entire duration of pregnancy.
I finally installed some programs on my computer I got in February. I reinstalled things that disappeared before the recent reboot of my laptop. I did some vacuuming in my room to regain some floor space. I swept up dog food Micah had spillednthe bathroom David had just cleaned yesterday. I started researching Joy's birthday trip next spring. I kept busy... I had moments where I momentarily sat in silence and fought back the tears. Today, for me was about getting up and physically starting to move forward. I wimper slightly as I realize this is the second baby this year I will never hold in my arms on this earth. I look at my little boy smiling and thank God for him but tear up as I realize no babies live here. Micah is finally weaned, Joy is about to start kindergarten, and two angels are gracing Heaven with their beautiful smiles. Sometimes I wish I could fast forward to 20 weeks in a future pregnancy and celebrate a baby to come but I know that is not how God works. I have no idea what He has in store for us, nor do I understand why He chose to bring my two babies home so soon but I cling to His promises to help me overcome each day and live life to the fullest.
I realize I live a different life now. I have four dates each year that tears will likely regularly come to my eyes, two angelversaries and two original due dates. I hope that in future years I will have a smile as well as I start to see God working more and more through our lives and the tragedies we have experienced. I long to hold my babies one day but keep reminding myself God is holding them for me.
I miss you Squirt. I miss you Little One.
*Mommy*
Yes, have faith. God gave it to you for times such as these.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if this is any help or not... my friend has low progesterone and kept experiencing loss. When they discovered how low she was, they had her start using progesterone cream. It has really helped. Is that something you can ask your doctor about?
As for my own losses, I think my body just wasn't ready to have more at the time (I had just had #2 recently). The doctor said sometimes they just have to be "unexplained" though. His own wife had 3 consecutive before she had their 3 precious kids.
It's so hard, especially when there isn't answers. Have faith and may God give you comfort and rest in Him. ((hugs)).
I didn't know you had any losses. How many, if I may ask? Micah is almost 18 mo and I sometimes wonder if these back-to-back losses are at all connected to how old he was once I first conceived and how few cycles I had in between.
DeleteI am sorry for your loss. I know what it is like to lose a pregnancy. Like the above poster said, i too had low progesterone. My doctor prescribed a progesterone pill i took for the first 13 weeks of pregnancy, until the placenta took over. I have 3 crazy kids with this method! Also, i took 1 baby aspirin everyday from the moment we conceived until aboyt 2 weeks prior to giving birth. This keeps your blood from clotting and helps with the unterine lining i believe. My sister and i both had these issues, and we have suucessfully had 3 kids each. There is a test your doctor cn do on, i think day 7 of your cycle to test your progesterone. I also had progesterone cream i bought at a health store you can use, i did this jus throughout us trying to get pg, just to be on the safe side, i was a little anal about everything!
ReplyDeleteThanks ladies. My doc is going to do some blood work after my follow up to see if that reveals anything. His main confusion is that both Joy and Micah were conceived easily and I never had an issue with either pregnancy. We will see though. I think the scariest part is that it happened twice early in the 2nd trimester. We are praying about what steps to take next and hoping that the testing and talking with my doc will help with that process.
ReplyDelete