When My Spirit Gets Too Weak...

*WARNING: Sad post ahead. Real post ahead. Come back later if you need to smile today.*

You know when you are about to reach a milestone? Or something you've been looking forward to? That's where I was. I was just about to announce my news, about to start wearing the different clothes... and then Tuesday happened.

My rescheduled appointment with my doctor was that day. I had Micah with me so David could work in the morning and release me for a night out with a girl friend. After what seemed like a ridiculously long wait, a high blood pressure reading and nervousness  that is hard to explain, he said it. "It looks like you are going for another ultrasound." My heart sank. The doppler didn't find the heart beat, the heart beat of what I thought was my rainbow baby, the baby that was to be born this winter, after our experience with losing little Squirt last winter. The drive just a few minutes away and the wait at the lab felt like ages. Keeping Micah busy and staying calm was harder than ever.

I went into the room and the words from the ultrasound tech hinted to what I had already suspected. He was surprised my doc couldn't get the heart beat and he couldn't tell me anything, just show me the screen. I knew it. We had lost yet another baby, our rainbow, or so we had thought.

After a long ride home and a drive back by David with sleeping Micah in the back, we headed back to the doc to wait again. He confirmed it. Just days before, Little One had passed... just a few days ago and his face showed his own confusion. I was past 15 weeks, even further than before by a week or two and the baby hadn't made it. I was in my 2nd trimester. This wasn't supposed to happen. He asked me how soon I wanted to move forward. I replied ASAP and he made it happen. That evening, confused and perplexed and in tears, I awaited the D&E. After anti-anxiety meds, an IV for hydration, anti-nausea meds and several more delays, they put me under and before I knew it, I was awake. And I knew what had just happened. I didn't have my Little One anymore and I didn't know what to do. 

David picked me up. We went to pick up more prescriptions, get some food and tried to comfort each other. We felt blessed Joy was already at my parents for the week as planned long in advance and our dear friends, Sarah & Matt had Micah. I was nervous, as Micah had mostly been weaned but not completely and I had never spent a night without him. I trusted my husband, my good friends and my God.  I didn't sleep much, despite the meds that had a sleepy side effect. I felt thrilled I didn't need the stronger pain meds, just the ibuprofen and was glad to be eating again without feeling sick to my stomach.

...

I'm not going to pretend I am okay or that I understand any of this. I am completely and utterly heartbroken. I yelled at God night one and I let Him have it. I cried and cried. I resented my own body for failing at what I thought should have been a no-brainer. I was mad because the first trimester had easily been my hardest yet, physically and emotionally. I was mad I had to cancel a party and I wasn't able to do any special reveals to Joy, our family or anyone else. I cried and cried and cried and I slept very little.

Physically, I can see the healing happening and today I woke up feeling a little more human, seeing the color come back into my face, able to take a shower and breathe a little. I know this journey is far from over and I am nervous about where God is going to take us from here but I am choosing to deal... at my own pace, in my own way, and support my husband through it as best as I can. It's interesting that the song, "Overcomer" by Mandisa has been so important to me recently because I can see how this song may just need to be played over and over and over for awhile to remind me not to give up. I know God has plans. Sometimes I just wish I had a clue why he chose me, us for this path with so much pain.

I hope to open up more and more about this in the weeks to come. Be prepared for a lot of raw emotion as I explore what this means to me and my family. In a few weeks, doc will do some blood work to see if it can shed any answers for us but for now I am choosing to trust God, trust the process and trust my very best friend on this earth, my Davey. I am so very thankful for my Joy and Micah and that I still have those 2 beautiful children to smile at and spend time with. We are in need of a ridiculous amount of prayer. Thank you all for praying for us to this point.

And remember, I am still here. I like to talk to people and whenever possible, I will answer questions and open up about this. I want to start using this to minister to others in whatever way God chooses. Please pray about that for me as its been on my heart for quite some time. I am gonna finally close this post out for now. Feel free to pass it on to anyone you think could use this. I strive to be genuine and real and share what is really on my heart. I want to do for others what I wish I had for me the first time around. I just want others to know they aren't alone.  Enjoy this beautiful song...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z29olPjFbqg

That's all for now...
    *Melis*