I haven't opened up publicly about this prior but the more conversations I have, the more I feel I need to share. So many people who I have talked to have been so supportive. It's time. After Micah was born last February, we were already praying for more. About the 6 month mark, my cycles resumed and within 2, I was pregnant again. Excited and with a friend's inspiration, I started spreading the word. I was thrilled. I wanted everyone to know we were having a third child (mainly due to the difference in my first two's ages which was not fertility related). I wanted to confirm that this was something we could achieve. We could still have our big family. At our 12 week appt, all looked great. So, we headed out of town to visit family and started looking forward to Christmas, an even to tax season when we could start praying about those bigger things we were without or could replace. We were at peace. And then it hit... At 16 weeks, I think it was Jan 10th or so, my 16 wk appt, Doc couldn't find the heartbeat. He assured me that dopplers can't always pick it up then and had me scheduled for an ultrasound. 3 extremely long days later it was confirmed around 7:45am in the ultrasound office I had so many happy, enjoyable memories in. It was so quiet and we then had to figure out how to tell Joy. She got it amazingly but that made us feel worse. I was admitted to a hospital later that day to "deliver" and that made it even harder. We had friends with our kids but ultimately at the end, it felt so weird when David had to be with them. With a friendly nurse and my doctor's wife, the midwife there I realized I was in good hands. I talked and cried and just kept praying. I was assured I could be discharged around 10pm so I could be home to nurse my Micah. My hubby took them to find me comfy clothes. We went out to eat and we just kept shaking our heads. In one day, our world was shattered it seemed. Never a worry or care prior in pregnancy and then...
So, what changed? Well, I told myself that there was a reason for this. God had and has a plan. It never gets easy. I vowed soon thereafter to make this our Year of Faith (and boy has it been). I vowed to stay faithful and positive, to look forward. David has had to nudge me back into the moment at times and I have shifted my focus to make sure I don't constantly dwell on things. But seeing friends with preggo bellies and hearing babies cry still make me weep. Some days, nothing triggers it except I am tired or life just seems hard. I believe God has already done so much growing in David and I and we really are closer. We chose not to let it break us and are working on a visible tribute for our place one of these days. I carry "Squirt" with me in my heart daily and I know God has our little one with Him. After all, He needs babies in Heaven too. (Thanks, Mom.) I take great calm in music I hear - primarily on KLOVE and know that God speaks directly to me through those words, those melodies and harmonies, through church sermons and Bible Study and through the feedback my friends so wonderfully give to me. Its interesting... When you open up, often people share too. This world needs more of that. Many are hurting and don't realize the woman or man on their left feels their pain. I am thankful for the support system we have.
So what is next? For now, we are focusing on getting in shape, getting healthy for our kids and praying God will bring along more little ones to fill a future home when He wants. We keep praying and we keep thanking Him.
James 1:2-4 -- My life verse comes in so handy here. Trials really do come...
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (NIV)
I look to move forward by faith and continue to trust God even when its hard. I know I will still cry, whine and let God have it some days but I am so thankful He has it all under control. Sorry so long-winded... Thought it was about time :)
That's all for now...
Melis
No comments:
Post a Comment