O-N-E H-U-N-D-R-E-D

When I started this blog, I was a few months into grieving the loss of my first angel... 
                                                                                                                                my third child...
My intent was to share with other women that they were not alone...
I wanted other people to know that miscarriage, still birth, and baby loss happens...
    that it is real, and there are women who go through it... often twice, three times, or more...
I wanted my words to possibly help even one woman know that she was not the only one..
    and that there are support groups...
       and organizations...
         and people who can help...
           and who care...
I did not know at the time, however what was ahead of me in that year...
    the year we first chose a family word...
       FAITH...
David warned me.  He told me that word was like setting ourselves up...
I knew... God would do what God would do and He would allow what He would allow...
This was our chance to step out and say we trusted Him, that we had FAITH.  He agreed.

Well, as many of you now know, that word clearly defined our year that unfolded in front of us. Two thousand thirteen was a year full of challenges... and not small ones.  Just before Mother's Day, we discovered we were pregnant again.  We were thrilled and a bit nervous, but mostly excited.  We kept it mostly to ourselves, telling only a handful of people.  We found out at fifteen weeks we had lost another baby... Five days later, I was diagnosed at the age of twenty-eight, on our sixth wedding anniversary with a pulmonary embolism, a large clot in my lungs.  Over the next four days in the hospital, I learned I had an inherited clotting disorder that was likely the source of ALL of this.

The following six months were all about getting better.  I had my blood drawn so frequently, I made friends with two of the ladies who worked there, to the point where I would not go to any other lab... ever.  I was constantly adjusting my medication to align with my INR levels from those blood draws.  Meanwhile, I was still in a lot of pain most days, so I was on pain medication for it.  When the time came for my scan and then my six month follow up, I was nervous but so excited.  On my Daddy's birthday, I found out I was free of Coumadin and the pain was gone.  I no longer needed the pain medication either and I had no side effects.  I felt like I got a huge present on my Daddy's birthday.  It felt freeing...

It was around this time I finally started to feel well enough to take better care of myself. Someone I knew from church posted about P90X3.  I had already had some past success with P90X and I loved the idea that I only needed to work out thirty minutes a day with this one.  A month in, I  was hooked and a month after that, I was signed up as a Beachbody coach.  I was on board, excited and I was changing my life.  I was losing weight, building muscle I did not know I had and I was seeing a future.  I was seeing a chance for life after multiple losses and a pulmonary embolism.  I was living a life on aspirin but that was not going to define me.  I was going to get healthier, fitter and be more in control of my own life, and I was going to take my family along for the ride... because if anyone deserved it, they did.  David had seen me at my worst.  He had not only stuck by me but he had supported me, encouraged me and seen to the kids needs whenever I could not.  My kids never saw me different it seemed either.  They loved on me and knew I was not whole somehow but they cared and wanted me anyway.  My family needed this.  So I was going to make these changes for them.

Something interesting happens when you immerse yourself in something... it changes you.  It takes you to on an adventure that you cannot predict.  You think you are in control but each of those decisions takes you somewhere else.  Yes, I wanted to lose weight but I was learning that with that weight loss, I was getting stronger, and not just physically (which was pretty awesome on its own, let's be honest) but I was starting to think more for myself.  I was not depending on David for as much.  I was starting to do activities I enjoyed again.  I was cooking, baking, running, swimming, writing more... I was making decisions firmly again;  I was not waffling so much.  I was building confidence back that I once had but it was different this time.  It was ALL different this time...

It sure seemed that way.  I was twenty-five lbs down, I was working out six days a week.  I was eating better than I had ever before.  I was working out at least an hour each day and I was setting goals and challenges and not letting injuries or other obstacles stop me.  They were aiding me, teaching me more about myself and who I was, who I could be.  I liked it.  I was ready to crush more programs and goals and take on the world!  Truthfully, I felt like my own version of Wonder Woman.  I knew who I was and no matter what happened next,  I was confident I could handle it; David and I could handle it.  We were equipped, prepared and in control.  Good news or bad news, the world was ours.

And then we found out we were pregnant...  We had just celebrated our seventh wedding anniversary.  We were less than a month out from Joy starting first grade.  David had just received a promotion at work and our sweet kiddos seemed genuinely happy.  No one had been sick in months.  I tell you the honest truth, I froze...

Since the moment my hematologist cleared me of my pulmonary embolism, I was ecstatic, not just because I was healed... but because I wanted so badly to have my baby... my rainbow baby... the one that fulfilled the promise that we were able to still have kiddos, the one that meant my hematologist was right and we now not only had a reason for my losses and six additional months "out of commission" but for a solution to it as well.  In theory, it all made sense and it seemed great.... 

Reality is cruel some days.  For so long, you just pray and imagine and wonder what it will be like one day to have your greatest dream come true and when you are on the brink of it, all of your worst fears and insecurities come rushing right back.  And during the first sixteen weeks of my pregnancy (twelve since I found out), that is where I was.  My blood pressure was higher, my days were quieter.  I was more withdrawn.  I initially excitedly told people, only to be reminded each day that anything was possible and we were not safe yet. Additionally, I had morning sickness like never before, as well as fatigue day in and day out.  Parts of me physically hurt so much that I could not figure out how to even walk for exercise... me... the person who had thrived on and lived on and ingrained in myself this idea that exercise was a part of me...

A part of me... Fitness had become a piece of the person I saw myself to be long term, the person I was developing and becoming as an adult... as a mature, healthy, well-rounded adult... It was THAT important to me that I crumbled repeatedly at the thought of not showing that side of me... over and over and over again.  I wanted so much to prove to women that you could be fit and pregnant.  I wanted to be that woman who looked like she could take on the world, even when I was thwarted by pregnancy annoyances.  After all, I had seen other women do it, read their posts and seen photos of what they were eating during pregnancy, how they were continuing their fitness regimen and how great it made them feel... and how much better their labor was because of it.  And then I realized... I was jealous.  I was jealous of the women who did not feel pregnancy the way I did this time around or at least did not appear to feel it the way I did.

Sixteen weeks arrived, and thanks to a sweet friend and a special at our ultrasound place, we got to see our princess, kicking around... with a heartbeat... I think that is when I finally let my breath out for the first time in this entire pregnancy.  The daily injections of Lovenox were working.  My body worked.  My baby looked as healthy as her older brother and sister did.  She was even measuring ahead by a week already (thanks to her father's genes, haha), just as her older siblings did at that point as well.  She was the cutest baby we had seen in a very long time.  And when we picked up Joy from school that day, she shrieked and turned around and told one of her teachers she was going to have a sister.  My heart lit up like letters on a Wheel of Fortune board.

Over the next few weeks, I found strength and some energy and started to walk again.  I was still sick as a dog most days but I was seeing the hope I had not seen for months.  Just that picture of my newest little girl kicking made me smile.  And not more than a week after we saw that ultrasound, I felt those first kicks, right on schedule, just like her older brother and sister.  My back still hurt as well but I kept trying to stay positive as people reminded me over and over that she was fine, growing, even thriving... The closer I got to the New Year, the more hopeful I got, the more ecstatic I got.  I started thinking about running new challenge groups, one right out of the gate in the New Year.  A group of ladies committed to check in and get a health tip and talk about what it meant and apply it as able.  It was simple and for 21 days, that is exactly what many did.  It helped remind me of something I had forgotten...

We have seasons in life.  Some of them are longer or shorter.  Some are ridiculously fun. Some are more challenging.  Some pass by without being noticed.  Some contain combinations of challenges, fantastic news, and moments that pass us by.  But the point is, seasons exist.  And each season ultimately comes to an end, transitioning into another.  I have often noticed they overlap as well in certain areas.  Anytime when I am in one of my harder seasons, I remind myself that it will not last forever, no matter how long it may seem at the time.  This is what we went through during our Year of Faith.  And when the following year hit, our promise was to be content, no matter what.  Considering that year had no huge hurdles, I think there were times we questioned if we were more faithful than content... And yet, she was conceived during this year, found to be a girl during this year, one growing and thriving inside of me like I had only dreamed...

I often think of two-thousand-fourteen as our transition year.  We had it rough for a year, worked out some kinks and frustrations the following year and then we needed to make some serious decisions during two-thousand-fifteen.  We wanted to leave the excuses behind us.  No one would make us feel inferior.  No one would determine whether or not we were happy or content ;-)  No one else had the power over us.  Only God was in control.  We would be setting goals and making plans (to the best of our abilities).  We would be embracing this year like no other.  We would LIVE.  I always make sure to emphasize (I hope) that this word is a verb, an action.  It is NOT passive by any means.  We would trust God.  We would do what we could within His will.  This included David's job, my working, our children, our living situation... absolutely everything...

So it may or may not surprise you to find out that one of those aspects of my life that I have struggled most with in recent weeks is confidence... I lack it.  As I work on my business, I question myself constantly.  I wonder if I am pressuring myself to the point of failure.  I constantly question whether I am a good enough mother or not.  My son did not get a good lunch.  My daughter did not get much time with mommy today.  Homework did not get finished.  The house is still a complete mess, possibly worse when David walks in the door at night.  There is a tantrum and not only do I not know how to stop it, I do not know what is causing it.  I tell my kids to wait.  One of them breaks something.  I worry if I am eating enough.  Will my baby be okay?  It is a constant battle these days.

So in light of this constant struggle as of late, I decided to try an experiment... nothing fancy but with my thirtieth birthday approaching in the next few months, I decided to ask around thirty friends for a word that describes me, no other instructions included.  Now some simply declined and some gave me multiple ones.  Some gave me words that really made me think.  Others repeated a word another had given me, some of which I did not expect to see even once.  Now where am I going with this?  It is about perspective.  The people who know you best, the people who care about you... they do not see your flaws like you do.  Now, they may be the ones to approach you if something really is off because they care but they do not sit there and complain about you constantly and anything that may be "wrong" with you.  So, why do I?  How is it even possible for me to LIVE when I am so focused on all of these negative aspects I see in myself, a human trying to do my best?  It really is not possible to LIVE fully.  So I decided to delve in and see how I was actually perceived...

Some of the words I have struggled with the most are strong, beautiful, and brave... 
   Why? Because I have fought against a perception that I feel weak most of my life, because I    am a woman who does not often see the beauty in who she truly is unless I am feeling            good, and because when life fell down around my family and I, I did what I thought I              needed to do, never once seeing     it as anything other than that.
A word that surprised me... enduring...
   This goes along with the words, strong and brave,  I struggle with it a little but like the        perspective.  I truly believe without God, we would be finished and I would be forever              depressed in a hole.  I do not believer I could endure life without His continual promises.
Some words that encourage me... compassionate, supportive, genuine...
    I love to hear these kinds of words!  I need to remember them!  These are things I strive         for on a regular basis so it is nice to see that I am emanating them to others.

"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." ~ Marilyn Monroe

I came across this quote and could not help but see it as incredibly meaningful for where I am now.  It has been more than two years since we said goodbye to our first angel and there are days I still cry and mourn his loss.  There are days where I still question God.  And as far as we have come in our journey as a family, it still makes us sad.  I have always found a way to explain to others that it has to be a part of something so much bigger but I have only been able to point to my best guess as to what that is.  Perhaps, it was not just so I could share with you my journey and to help others but to help us see how important health is... and life.  Without the passing of our dear Squirt, I would have never started this blog.  I might not have seen the depth of how God can work in one person ,one couple, one family... as He has in ours.  Upon losing Little One and being diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism and Factor V Leiden all within about a week during the summer of two-thousand-thirteen, I became more open to the fact that perhaps God has bigger plans for us as a family and I needed to make some changes.

As previously mentioned, I have struggled with my own self confidence and opinion of myself at times... often actually.  I have been hyper-aware of how I believed I was perceived and always felt like I needed to fight against this idea that I was weak, frail, miniscule, unimportant... I have never wanted to upset people, ruffle feathers, branch out too far.  If it was comfortable or a little outside of my comfort zone, I could be happy... but I never pushed much.  I never wanted to offend people by accident.  I did not want to open up my insecurities that far.  I was scared.  I am scared.  So maybe it is about learning that its okay to pray big dreams, work hard to achieve them and try hard enough to reach people that they just might be offended, but do it in a way that still shows my care and love for them.  I do not have to be timid in sharing any part of my journey or any part of my future or any part of how it has changed my life or my family's for the better.  This is who I am and this is who I want to be.  I want to break free and share...

In about seven to nine weeks, we will be welcoming a new baby girl into our family.  We will be in yet another new phase of our family and our lives and in a lot of ways, we will have come full circle from that day in January when we received the worst news of our lives to date, that we had lost our baby, Squirt.  It by no means erases our memories or thoughts of our babies gone too soon or my health going into limbo for so long.  It does not negate our views on family or life.  If anything, it just enhances them and makes them that much more clear.  I have learned SO much about who I am as a wife, a mother, a baby loss mother, a Beachbody coach, a friend, a daughter, a sister and a woman in Christ... Through all of our struggles, God has remained FAITHFUL and I plan to return the favor.  I plan to LIVE this year, no excuses... I will be INTENTIONAL and GENUINE even when it hurts, even when others do not like it.  I will push harder and work more carefully to achieve my goals and set up a future for my family that I am proud of... and I will never, ever forget how God blessed me with the absolute best friend and husband in the world, my David!

That is all for now...

As always,
Melis

Copyright Photos @Sara Story Photography
sarastory2008@gmail.com, (831) 588-7345

Coming back to my WHY... (12 Days After Christmas ~ Day 8)

"I'm sorry.  There's no heartbeat."

There are no words to express exactly what flooded my mind or heart right then.  But there was hurt and confusion and the realization that I was one of them, those women who would have a baby pass in my womb with no warning whatsoever.  What followed was a bit of a blur.  There was a hospital visit, pain, crying, waiting and phone calls... and a lot of wondering.

But still, only months after that horrible news we were pregnant again.  And just before Mother's Day.  We were ecstatic but cautious.  We were given the impression this happens to people, families... Even my doctor seemed confident.  Until that day in July when we received the news yet again,  This time I insisted on an immediate ultrasound and attention.  And we were there again.  My doctor was to be out of town for the following 2 weeks but assured me we would run tests, check in etc. when he was back,  He did not however seem confident this would yield any results but maybe...

5 days later I was recovering when I had the absolute worst pain my chest I had ever had in my life.  I just could not catch a breath.  Hubby insisted we go to the hospital.  Three and a half hours after entering the ER, I was finally seen.  Two hours later I was informed that I had a pulmonary embolism and would be admitted... on our wedding anniversary.  Hubby was in shock and my kids were not happy Mommy was not coming home.  I had a strange feeling of relief and sadness all mixed in.

But while there I was enlightened.  I had a clotting disorder called Factor V Leiden.  It was most likely the reason my babies only made it to 13-14 & 15 weeks since that is around when the placenta was taking over.  My blood just kept clotting and they couldn't get what they needed.  And I was released four days later on Lovenox and Coumadin.  I was able to stop Lovenox is less than 2 weeks.  For the next 6 months, I took Coumadin daily to shrink and ultimately get rid of the clot in my lungs.  Additionally, I had blood draw after blood draw, sometimes 3 times a week just to get my INR in the therapeutic range. I was also on Norco for pain.  I thought this would be short lived but soon learned that the pain never would fully go away until the clot did.  I rarely knew why some weeks were so much harder but I trusted that this part of the journey would likely be short term in the grand scheme of things.  These things were just apart of it.  Ultimately, I needed to accept that.

Well, it did pass.  What started on a day that was so celebratory ended on a day that truly was celebratory, my Daddy's birthday.  I was given the all clear.  There was no clot and I could go off of the Coumadin for good as long as no blood clot emerged again.  I was instructed by my hematologist to start on aspirin and ultimately stay on it for life.  He also reminded us that we likely could have a baby again but would need to switch to Lovenox for the duration.  We agreed... and I felt a sense of relief.  Suddenly life was about more than surviving.  It took me some time but I ultimately fell into a rhythm, started P90X3 and really started learning about what it was going to take to be healthy again.  I could not focus solely on having a baby but needed to see the bigger picture for my family.

I lost 25 lbs during the next 6 months.  Shortly after being cleared by my doctor, I signed up as a Beachbody Coach and then sat back and watched and took it all in.  By summer of 2014, I was not only a healthy weight but I was running again, swimming again and all around feeling great.  I had found my love of being healthy for not just my family but for me.  I was less dependent on others for my own happiness.  And then the miracle happened...

We found out we were pregnant.  We were thrilled but scared out of our minds.  This was the ultimate test,  We saw our hopes wrapped up in this rainbow baby.  For the first 16 weeks of my pregnancy, I was practically a shell again.  I was nervous and teary and exhausted too.  I threw up frequently.  I was sore early on and there were days I could barely get out of bed.  Each ultrasound David and I attended together pensive but hoping.  And when we saw her at 16 weeks moving up a storm, something clicked again.  

I was reminded that this beautiful rainbow baby girl was not our only miracle.  Given my clotting disorder, both Joy and Micah are miracles as well.  And all of that time we spent surviving the near-death experience and loss of our two angels was worth it, even if the pain was horrific.  You see, I did not start working out for fun.  (Seriously?)  I did not join Beachbody as a coach to just bring in money (although the prospect of it doesn't hurt).  I started doing all of this because I wanted to honor the memory of my babies, Squirt and Little One.  I wanted to be the healthy, fit mommy for my children that are here.  I wanted to be the independent, silly, fun-spirited girl my husband met in middle school and ultimately fell for in college.  I wanted life again.  I wanted to live my calling.  If wanted to honor God with everything I did.  I did not want to be a shell or a piece of anything... I wanted to be GENUINE... and real.  

This is why I became a Beachbody coach.  I have an amazing team I am apart of and I hope to be able to bring some of you on with me.  I don't think I ever saw myself as special or unique.  I was "normal" if you can say that, even average.  My goals are so huge now and I am determined to make some things happen this year.  So as far as this year... I am going to LIVE ~ INTENTIONALly & GENUINE.  I want to help get David home more this year as well and move out of this apartment.  This is what I know so far.  If you have any questions or want to know more, feel free to comment or message me, or click on that cool new bar at the top of this blog ;-)  I am starting a new group this Monday, January 5th to help start fresh, stop looking back and move forward.  I am here to just chat too :-D  That's all for now.

As always,
Melis

P.S. If you are counting, we are now about 3.5 months left until baby girl is due!  And there are some updates coming on her and our plans in the next week or so... stay tuned!

12 Days After Christmas ~ Day 2... Time for a NEW Year!

Okay so it is December 27th today, not quite January 1st!  However, as many of you know each year David & I select a word for the year for our family.  (This will be #3!)  And... we have already selected one.  Well, I actually yelled it out over a week ago and further discussed it with David prior to Christmas and he agreed... I think ;-)  I thought about waiting to tell you all about it until December 31st or January 1st... but seeing as my level of patience is well, not the best... I have decided to share it with you all here on my blog, on the 2nd day AFTER Christmas!  Many of you may wonder what I am referring to.  A few years back, I heard someone on the radio saying that instead of a list of resolutions each year, they focused on ONE word to focus on the for their family.  In 2013, we focused on FAITH.  This was an especially hard one but necessary one as we lost 2 babies and I was hospitalized with a pulmonary embolism this year.  Some people say you get what you ask for.  I say you trust God and get what you get ;-)  God knew what our year would look like long before all of that went down.  As a result of the hardships, we found out more about my health and how to deal with it and how to approach future pregnancies.  I know we also learned a lot about our wonderfully FAITHful God!

In 2014, we hemmed back and forth and settled on CONTENTMENT for the year.  I do not think we were quite 100% at this point.  We were looking at where we had come from and knew we still had to wait for a clearance on my lungs and what that might mean for my health and our family down the road.  We were talking more about normal, everyday things and not just trying to survive.  We did not want to get complacent but we did not want to take anything for granted either. God had brought us through some truly hard, life-altering circumstances and we certainly could not and would not try to erase them.  I will admit this one has been quite the struggle in comparison.  Go figure, right?!  It seems when life circumstances are not so drastic, we often try to take things into our own hands more than we should.  God and I did a lot of talking this year about frustrations and my own struggles to trust Him and be content where He had us.  And frankly,  I do not know if I came out a better person for all of the arguing I actually did.  Yep, arguing.  As I said, this one was quite the struggle for me in the later months of the year...

This brings me to our word of 2015 which I think fits perfectly for where we are and where we WANT to be!  We are Striving.  We are Moving Forward.  We want to Succeed and see things Change for the Better...  We.. Want... To...

For us this means NO MORE Complaining about not being able to do things, about David's bosses not letting him off work to be with us, about not making enough money, or "feeling" happy enough.  It is not dependent on our neighbors to change their ways (whether we agree with them or not, which we most certainly do not).  It is not dependent on whether we make others happy all the time.  It is not our job to make everyone else in our lives happy all of the time either!  It is however about taking responsibility and seizing each opportunity that comes our way!  We have chances to change and be better for it and make a better life for our children.  And I pray we truly seek God in it all and choose to make those decisions that will help us LIVE!!!

So join with us and think about what it is that would make 201?5 the BEST YEAR no matter what is thrown your way.  What will YOU DO?  I have some ideas for you popping up on my Facebook page over the next week or two so stay tuned...

As always,

Melis

Merry Christmas Eve!

I am sitting here with a cute little girl in my belly and an almost 3 year old boy calmly playing near me.  My big girl is at church with her Nana, Poppy, aunt, 2 uncles and Great Grandma.  I sit here nursing my sore lower back just thankful to be near family.  David is still working but we'll see him tonight or tomorrow and this little girl of ours kicks enough to remind us of God's miracles in our lives, events we often overlook, because they don't seem so big to us.

Last year, I was feeling completely crummy, followed by a trip to the ER on Christmas Day and a very short yet exhausting trip to see family.  I just wasn't in the right place.  The year before, we had either just lost our first baby or were about to and were completely unaware to this fact.  Those Christmas experiences are not lost on me.  I am fortunate to be able to drive my children to see family, even if I am fatigued and sore.  I am blessed to not hit any traffic along the way and to have family who adores them as I do and give me some much needed relief.

Last night was my Joy Joy's 2nd of 2 dance performances.  Her studio performed "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" & she was able to have some family in attendance last night, even Daddy and Micah!  She was beautiful and excited and has shown so much growth this year.  On our way out, one of her friends handed her a pink rose!  Boy, was she touched!  And again, I sit back amazed at God's goodness in our lives...

Just a week or so ago, we were blessed with some extra food and gift cards.  The kiddos and I found our way into Walmart and out without falling apart and came away with some much needed new shoes, school pants, diapers, a few Christmas supplies, as well as a few food items.  It wasn't expected and it definitely brought me to a place of humbling myself some but I realized God had brought these people and gifts into our lives for a reason and that getting angry, confused and frustrated would not get me anywhere.  For the people involved, they were showing God's love to us at a time when we really needed some things.

In 43 days, my little guy, my Micah Boo turns 3.  I cannot believe it some days.  We welcome his new sister around 2 months afterwards.  Joy turns 7 yet another month or so later and we have half a dozen weddings, graduations and family events spread throughout our spring and summer on the calendar... so far!  I am truly very excited to be able to share with you all our 2015 adventures just around the corner...

However, for now I just want to wish you all a wonderfully Merry Christmas!  There will be a blog series or so to follow in the "12 Days After Christmas" which will also be posted to my Facebook page.  I will be documenting adventures, goals & blessings all around as we head into our New Year, including our "Word of the Year" we have already chosen!  I am so excited to transition into a new chapter in our lives with adventures and blessings I am sure we have not yet discovered!  So come along with me and tell your friends too!  I am here and on Facebook and would love to chat with you as I share about family, health, fitness and adventure!  Maybe you can share with me too?

God Bless You All!
As always,
Melis

Blown away...

I'm trying to get my head around this...

I'm not used to this kind of putting myself out there. Sure, I shared my life with you all this last year but YOU chose to read this blog, stay informed and encourage me.  And for those who liked my recently set up fitness Facebook page, YOU again chose to follow it.  You all read because you want to.  What happened last night was something I could not have imagined.  It was beyond anything I could have predicted. 

You see I posted those transformation photos not because I wanted the praise but because I wanted to share with all of you a few things...

1) My love for fitness & health. I love it because I love me and I want to be a BETTER me. I want my family to feel it. I want them to love it or at least appreciate it like I do.

2) I want to inspire others.  It took me a LONG time to be in the place to lose weight, to start this transformation for real, to become consistent to the point where I pretty much HATE rest days.  That is right. I miss working out on those days.

3) Where is all came from... It is not an accident I started to change my habits.  It sure was not a magic pill either.  It comes from a raw place I am often reliving.  Last year, after losing 2 babies and on the brink of losing my own life, I immediately went into survival mode for myself, my kids, my hubby.  After getting off the Coumadin and on to aspirin as instructed by my hematologist, I did NOT bounce back. I struggled... horribly.  I hid. I did anything I could to avoid people.  But with time, grieving and some serious inspiration, I knew that for those very reasons, I HAD to do this.  This was NOT a choice for more anymore...

...LIFE is far too important to just sail through...

My transformation is far from over. I am excited to keep moving towards my goals and prayerfully continue to build our family as God allows and leads us.  I am very excited about this stage of our lives and that I get to share my <3 with ALL of YOU!!!

Thank you for continuing to read and delve in to my story, my life, my transformation... I hope to help inspire others on their own.  If you wanna chat, message me and/or check me out at Facebook.com/RunLissaRun

This is NOT ultimately just about me.  I hope we ALL make it, YES?

That's all for now,

Melis

Write, Write, Write

A little while back, I got some interesting advice,  My Dad had heard I'd been blogging through all the hard times.  He encouraged me, telling me some of the best advice he'd ever gotten was to write & write & write, to write something everyday, whether short, long, serious, funny, whatever.  Well I haven't done too well at that, even though thoughts swirl through my head ALL day long, as I am sure most women can attest to.  So this post is just to write, to share a little, to tell you what's been on my mind. No need to patronize me but if you're interested, go ahead and read because I think my Daddy's advice was good & I want to keep writing...

Anyone else going to miss the Olympics because they don't have cable or satellite? When I finally gave in to ditching cable to save money, it didn't occur to me I would miss them. Seriously, swirling thoughts constantly going through my head & it somehow didn't occur to me until a week ago. It is not that I don't love saving the money (because we really need to) but I love the Olympics, winter & summer versions alike. I have always associated them with positive things.  Joy was born only a couple months before the Summer of 2008 ones. Micah was born about 6 months before the Summer 2012 ones.  And Squirt was due 7-8 months ago, Little One was due less than a month ago, so naturally I see a lot of happy things, as I sit nursing or thought I would be, as in the most recent cases.

Another thing that has been traveling though my mind is the fact that I am not the same person I was a year ago, or even 7 months ago... I mean, I know we can all say that to a point... but here's where I am going.  When I first found out about the baby loss community online, I remember reading how you are never the same when you lose a child.  I am sure most who have been down this round understand what I mean. We lost 2, both in the 2nd trimester. Again, I was hurt & I knew we could never go back and change the past, that emotionally, David & I were different people, apart & together & that we would need to learn how to BE us, having lost 2 precious babies.  But I am going beyond that.  When we discovered the night of our anniversary in the Emergency Room that I had a pulmonary embolism, all we were concerned with was getting me through that period of time, getting me out of the hospital for good, traversing the 6 months, hopefully going off the Coumadin & moving on, trying to find out how to continue to be a couple, a family & prayerfully grow it.  Only a week or two ago, I was reminded of my humanity once again.  I just had my 6 months scans. I have my results delivered Friday, my Daddy's birthday, in a hematology appt.  If the results are great, there are more steps, as in getting off of this medicine, on to a lesser one, and getting the full workup done to hopefully, confirm, deny or find out more about what happened, how I lost those babies and what can be done for me & for our (hopefully) growing family down the line... But as I have realized, closing this particular chapter doesn't mean going back to before the pulmonary embolism.  I will always need to be aware that I could develop a blood clot, or my kids could. When they hit, one often has a short amount amount of time to respond before it can cause serious harm (understatement alert).  Also, I started working out a few weeks ago.  When I used to workout, I would get huge bursts of energy, often getting me through almost the entire day.  Now, one workout gives me at most a few hours of energy.  Yes, I feel better. Yes, I tend to have more color in my face, a little more motivation in my day etc. But I am not the same energetic, bouncy person, at least not to the obvious point.  Last year was hard emotionally & physically.  And while I don't blame God for any of it, (I am not even angry) I am aware I am a different person to a degree.  There isn't anything wrong with that in and of itself.  David & I have become much closer & stronger together (although I know we still have our things to work on). These last 6 months have given me a lot to think about.  And, there is always the chance my scans will not come back clean enough to proceed forward.  Only God knows what happened during these 6 months. I haven't had a scan since a week after admittance in the ER.

I'm looking forward to sharing with you all more this year as there will be more challenges, transitions & the like this year. As most of you know by now, our word for the year is Contentment. Personally, I have decided to challenge myself by adding a word for myself each month to focus on.  Last month, I called "Kickstart Contentment." I needed to remind myself not to get complacent.  This is a new year & I need to not be lazy.  So, I  refreshed my zeal by committing to an online vendor faire & established my presence on FB with Pampered Chef (see link at bottom if you are interested).  I also convinced David to purchase P90X3, only 30 minutes a day but still a good focus on eating right.  I almost quite day 3 but I am still going strong 2.5 weeks in because of my best friend being the greatest support ever, my friend at church coaching me on & other good friends encouragement in the way I look & act.  So this year is going to be different. This month of February for me is going to be about Contented Focus. I need to stop letting my crazy brain keep me from starting & finishing things. I need to let other things go & not just be at church & Bible Study but BE there present & soaking it all in.

I know my wording is a little funny tonight. I ran out of pronouns & other choices for words.  To be honest, I just need to get my oldest in bed before it gets too late & she needs her sheets on her bed (which I didn't realize).  So, let me know how you like this idea. Some days I will have 5 words, other 5 pages (haha) but I am going to at least try to write 3-4 days a week again, Share with me any thoughts you have.   I have some more topics to explore but I need to have a few discussions & do some research.  I will keep you posted as long as you keep me updated, okay?

As always,
<3Melissa

And if you are at all interested in placing an order with Pampered Chef OR just supporting me by liking my new FB page, head on over to Pampered Chef: Melissa N. Voeltz. It's about time I start trying to make this business work so I can help my family out more! As I say frequently over there & to others regarding it ~ I bake. I cook. I love life. I’ll plan your show or help you host your own! This is the life...  

Bittersweetness...

I don't envy the person that goes through this... the couple that goes through this... the family that goes through this... I wouldn't wish it for anyone.

1 year ago, today we found out our little Squirt had passed. What we didn't know is that "delivering" baby Squirt would be just the beginning.  Just shy of 17 weeks, we found out that day... one year ago that our baby had stopped growing between 13-14 weeks and no longer had a heartbeat... likely around Christmas.

What few people know is that my doctor's wife, the midwife at the practice showed up just in time to deliver Squirt & asked me if I wanted to see who this treasure was that we had lost.  I declined. There are days I wish I had chosen differently but with my hubby & kiddos in the next room,  I wanted to start to move on.

There's nothing like losing a baby to bring up every fear in the world.  It was that loss that led us to declare it our "Year of Faith," a year that will likely to ever live in our minds.

Please keep us in your prayers. Sunday is another hard day ahead of us.

We miss you, Squirt on your 1st angelversary.  Keep Little One close, okay?

What a day...
*Melis*

Bring it on?

What a year!  I have to admit I am kind of relieved to be saying goodbye to 2013. This has easily been our hardest year to date.  We started out our year officially losing baby Squirt on January 10th which prompted me declaring it "Our Year of Faith." A few months followed & one month into my P90X journey, we discovered I was pregnant again.  I evolved to not miss a beat. I joined a "Rainbow" group on FB, took pics every week from 5 weeks on, faithfully made every appt, even hosting a thank you for close friends, as well as planning my gender reveal party. At 15w2d there we were again. No htbt. Baby was gone. That was July 23rd. July 28th,  our 6th wedding anniversary I was admitted with what was referred to as a very large pulmonary embolism. I was released on blood thinners August 1st.

I was determined to try and fight through it all, not letting it get me down, blogging frequently & trying to focus on my family.  That was follows up with 5 back-t-back 2 week or so periods & 3-4 yeast infection s. Once my INR stabilized,  I could finally start to see the light at the end of this p see et of our journey.

And then December hit. 3 ER visits diagnosing some unknown issue with my wrist (bruise without contact of anything and initially very painful), a sinus infection & a UTI, only to be hit with a sore throat and more cold symptoms only a few days ago. I am exhausted but I think, finally on the mend.

2013 has been all about faith & God has definitely stretched us, Himself proving faithful to us through it all. 2014 holds some tough dates out the gate with January 10th being Squirt's 1st angelversary & January 12th bring Little One's former due date. But this year, we look forward to exploring & growing in anlther way. We don't know why this year was so hard, nor why some things stayed stagnant & others only got worse. 

As I lay here cuddling my little boy, I want to share our goal for 2014. ~ Contentment. We don't know what this next year holds but I am glad it is just around the corner. I hope you will consider a challenge yourself. My hubby and I are closer than ever to each other, our kiddos & to our Lord Jesus. Hard as it was,  I can hope God fulfilled some of His Will through our struggles. I trust God has big things in store going forward.  Having said all that...

2014... Bring It On!!!

*Melis*

Voeltz Family Update

A month & a half ago I posted & not again... 

~It sure feels like a lot longer than that.  To be honest, I just didn't know what to say.  As hard as this year has been, these past couple of months have been the most emotional for me.  I feel like the ups & downs are apart of my life now.  I am used to tears, mood swings & settling in for my evenings of irritability.  Micah lately has begun sleeping even worse. He's more stubborn & I'm more sensitive but together we cuddle so well.  I've been told over & over to let myself grieve, let myself have bad days, to be okay with a little bit done at a time but it doesn't stop the guilt some days.  I want to do more, be a better mom, wife, friend... I've found myself spending more time at home, less time online, finding things like baking & craft projects to focus on.  I try to regularly post thankfulness on Facebook & stay aware of who I am now & not try to be anyone else.  David's schedule has regulated recently for the time being & he recently got a small raise that doesn't get us out of the woods but it helps some nonetheless.  I often go to bed early & the other nights I stay awake waiting for my David to come home for that hug & chat before sleeping.  My pain levels have dropped quite a bit & my "womanly" issues since the summer have finally started to improve.  After a lot of time staying home, I  have recently started to organize a play date here & there, a walk or a meet up with a friend as time & sensitivity allows.  Life isn't easy & I guess I just wasn't ready to tell you all that, that months later, I am struggling emotionally more than ever.  As we head towards the New Year, David & I dread our Squirt's first angelversary & our Little One's original due date, just 2 days apart towards the middle of January.  I've spent a lot of time focusing on the holidays, projects & anything that will help me through the day to be a better mom to my kids.  David has been amazing.  Its amazing how far our marriage has come in the 6+ years.  Just the other day, he said all of the right things & knew when to hold me & how to get us through our morning & out the door in time.  My parents have been marvelous too as I have spent many a Sunday this fall at their place dealing with the stresses, emotions, & side effects of medications. I'm looking forward to returning to Home Front with David after the New Year & also glad Bible Study will return as well.  Just today, a friend & I set up a standing play date.  Looking forward to having that time with her while our kiddos play.  We said goodbye to one of our vehicles recently.  David was hit at a stoplight & the insurance company deemed it a total loss.  We've got some decisions to make.  So ups, downs... they're normal~

How can you pray for us?  Pray we can set me up with regular counseling to help healing & processing for me.  Pray for continued stability in David's schedule & that it won't be too long before the promotion & next raise.  Pray for David's & my emotional health. This year of Faith has tested us through & through & there are days we feel like we are constantly running for cover. Please pray for our kiddos as well.  It can't be easy walking on egg shells around Mommy & Daddy.  Please pray as we approach 6 months of pulmonary embolism medicine at the end of January.  If all is clear then, I will be pulled off of the medicine, put on aspirin for a little bit & able to have a full workup done, hopefully for more answers for us. 

Some praises?  Joy absolutely loves school.  We are very thankful for TVCCA & Mrs. Beasley. Thank God David wasn't hurt in the accident,  Considering his ongoing back problems, we are glad nothing got worse.  We are thankful my pain levels have dropped. We are blessed with amazing friends that have showered us with love & prayers during this very difficult year.

We appreciate all of the support.  Hopefully I will be blogging again more these days.
As always,
Melissa

Blessed but not depressed...

730 days of praise... If you've seen my Facebook, then you know I have challenged myself to praise God for something new every single day for 2 years straight.  Why? Because I am blessed! I did it for a year & it wasn't that hard.  This year has been especially challenging for myself & my family but I can't help thanking God for all that He has done in spite of everything that has gone "wrong."  So, for this blog I've decided to list some of the things I am thankful for & see where it ends up.  Some you may have seen already; some you may see down the line.  All are things I am currently thankful for.

1. My hubby ~ Duh!  How blessed am I to be married to this guy? We've been married for a little over 6 years but he's been my friend for over 16 years!! He is NOT who I thought God had for me back then but I am so completely thrilled God gave me this handsome man & allowed me to see past the surface & see what a gem this wonderful man is!!

2. My church friends ~ Some of these ladies are truly some of my BEST friends.  I have known them all for a year, give or take some but they are blessings beyond blessings to me!  They inspire me to be a better me with God by my side.  They are often the ones to build me up when I need the encouragement but also challenge me.  They remind me what a great church this is & that true, wonderful friends really are out there if you are paying attention.

3. My church ~ Cedar Grove Community Church in Livermore is just the right place for my family!  We have been there about 15 months now & as long as God keeps us there we will be more than willing!  We have quite a few couples we consider our friends & well as individual relationships we have each formed. The pastors are on point, clearly speaking what is on each of their hearts. It doesn't just tick off all of the boxes, it fits us.  And for that, we will be forever thankful!

4. My siblings ~ We may not all have the closest relationships but I can tell you I am glad we all are still willing to talk, even "all grown up." Life has taken us different places but I am glad that I had you 3 along the way to make life interesting & help me not be so bored!

5. My Facebook infant loss group ~ I've been a member for only a short time but these girls know how to encourage!  2 miscarriages in such a short time is not an easy thing to stomach, much less move on from.  These girls will listen to anything relating to my loss, my struggles with my PE, my frustrations with something someone said or did... as well as I get to be helpful & prayerful for them as well!

6. My "puppy" ~ Abby puts up with a lot & she deserves more cuddles than she is given.  Thankful I have her & hoping I will find more time to spend with her in the future (& give her baths ;) ~ lol)

7. My Micah Boo ~ Such a smiley boy, this little guy bumps into everything, falls off of things, survives his sister & still has a smile on his face at the end of the day!  He may not like clothes or being clean & he may have no shame... hehehe but he eats everything you put in front of him & he is by far, the best cuddler in the world!

8. My Joy Joy ~ Wow, I have a kindergartener!  She is beautiful, smart, sweet, caring, looking out so often for her brother, keeping him busy when Mommy needs to get something done, loving school, loving baths, learning how to do so many new things like brush her teeth, wash her hair, write her letters- printing & cursive, memorizing verses & poems... And it goes on.  I am so proud to be Joy Joy's mommy.  There is not another one like her in the world!

9. Sleep ~ This one is funny because I don't get much these days. However, when I do, I am usually OUT!  I am thankful to sleep when I can & enjoy cuddling with my Boo when he needs me.  

10. My Jesus ~ Who can forget Him?  He is not last here because He is last in my heart.  He is last to emphasize His importance & place in my heart!  God has been so so good to us over this rough year so far, doing so much to save us & love us & show us how to love others!!!

There is so much more to be thankful for but my body is DONE for the day & both of my kids have been asleep for a little while.  I will try & type up a part two of this one soon.  

That's all for now...
*Melis*

Happy, Sleepy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Bashful and Doc

Sneezy... Not so much lately.  Pleasantly surprised though because of where I live.
Dopey... Nope, thank you very much...
Bashful... Hardly, but I definitely have my moments!
Doc... Well I saw my hematologist recently. Does that count?
Happy... I have been praising the Lord for all He has been doing in our lives lately!
Sleepy... Just about always.  My eyes are pretty much done for tonight...
And finally.... Grumpy... Sorry world! This has been my day-ish...

Woke up, was doing okay but that changed when I hit traffic.  I have made it a habit to double check the best way to go whenever I need to head towards Livermore.  Today, I did.  Unfortunately, I somehow missed the diversion off of the freeway (an exit I have never taken) to avoid was was essentially 15 minutes to travel less than a mile to the next nearest exit to get to Bible Study. I went from 10 minutes early to 10 minutes late JUST LIKE THAT! 

Sigh...  I knew it wasn't that big of a deal.  Then it was the 2 close friends missing Bible Study today (for very good reasons). Then it was another good friend leaving early...  Then it was my kids melting down and/or clinging to me as they were clearly overtired during and following a play date, doing Joy's homeschool work, struggling to keep her focused towards the end. Ultimately, it really wasn't likely about any of the above.  I was grumpy because the past few days I have relived my losses over and over.  From David mentioning those children had so much potential as he started to grieve to grieving and praying fervently for my good friend who is being told her baby won't make it.  I just keep reliving it.  I told several leaders at Bible Study about my friend, passing along the word to gain the prayer.  I hurt. I am tired.  And it surely isn't over. It never will be.  I whimpered as a friend said the doctor doesn't know why she has experienced multiple losses of her own.  I cried inside hearing of another woman losing her baby as we speak.  My heart hurts. I never knew this pain could strike to fast and so hard, just hoping, praying and grieving for others' losses as well.  It really Never Ends... It stays put in the back of your mind for awhile but it comes back to the forefront sometimes on the worst days, at the worst possible tines. 

I will continue to love you my Sweet Little One & Squirt. I can only imagine how you must be enjoying Heaven. I look forward to being reunited one day For now, I will continue to pray and rest my hope in the Lord... and pray Grumpy stays home tomorrow.

*Melis*

My heart breaks!!!

My heart breaks as I hear news of a good friend finding out bad news.  She is dealing with potentially losing her baby.  She is 20 weeks.  She went for her anatomy scan yesterday and they saw an odd fluid-filled sac. Today, she went back for a 3d ultrasound.  They couldn't tell her much but told her the fluid levels were low and the kidneys were really small.  She was told baby won't make it... either to birth or this little one will die shortly after!  A genetic specialist even told her to terminate! What news! When I saw my dear friend just 2 weeks ago, everything had been going well. She had been eating well, taking care of herself and her doctor was happy with how everything was.  I can't even imagine getting that far and being told to say goodbye...

As someone who has lost 2 babies in the 2nd trimester, I know the losses are not easy, as if any loss really is.  BUT to be told something is wrong and if you see your baby, you'll be saying goodbye?  My heart.... hurts... BADLY!!!

So please join with me in prayer for a MIRACLE!  God can do all things.... ANYTHING!  I believe God has a greater plan in all of this but I HOPE & PRAY it won't end in sorrow.  Miracles DO happen EVERY single day.  So, please pray!  I know she will appreciate every word lifted up to our Jesus for her and her baby.  

Thanks...
That's all for now,
*Melis*

Major malfunction, anyone?

I lost it!  We saw it coming but we didn't know when.  Today, an issue with the Direct Sales company I work or tipped me into a long, sporadic, hard cry!  I felt horrible, miserable really, guilty too!  I was suddenly mad at the friend who hadn't been available lately too. I was so upset, my poor, sweet kids were hearing me wail from the other room, Joy worried as ever.  I never want to make my kids feel that way.  I wish in some small way I could explain to them the emotional pain David and I have been going through, as well as concerns with my health we hold.  We try not to though.  Its not their fault or their issue. They are little.  Life is fun right now.  Life is adventurous. We want to inspire that awe!

I was still irritated with the neighbors as well. They keep pushing our buttons and boy is it getting to David.  Please keep him in prayer.  As upset as it makes me, holding back is much harder for him right now.  He wants to protect us and keep them from "traumatizing" us and it is wearing on him thin. Additionally, the first new schedule didn't look right. David was short 6-8 hours and was scheduled Sunday, something he was assured would rarely, if ever happen.  He also wasn't sure about the overtime. He and I both believe whatever happened was likely unintentional but his immediate fear was the frustration of the past few years all over again.  Fortunately, he should be able to talk with his GM tonight while at work.  Prayers for that as well, please!

God is so good though.  Start looking on Facebook if you have it.  Going to start up my daily praise soon, not sure for how long but I miss it.  After listing over 15 things off in a prayer group I am currently thankful for I thought it definitely is about time I remind people of it.  Thinking a thankfulness blog is due here soon as well.  So, short and sweet I hope for now. I hope and pray you all had a wonderful day.  Thank you for reading once again... Stay tuned. We can be thankful for so many things.  Maybe I will issue a challenge? Let me know what you think.  

That's all for now...
*Melis*

You want me to do what, God?

I am sitting here in my room feeding Micah some rainbow goldfish while Joy gets to watch her one episode on Netflix for the night. Tonight's is "Jake and the Never Land Pirates."  All would appear right with the world.  This morning we went to church. Our Sunday School class started a new series on parenting so more friends than normal are in this 10 week session.  Everyone is in good health as we kick off Joy's 2nd week of school. Today is David's very last day at Wendy's and he gets off in the next 2 hours... LIFE is GOOD!!

January 10, 2013 wasn't like this. That was the day we discovered our Squirt had passed, likely around Christmas.  That was the day I was admitted to "deliver," something we hoped would never ever happen again.  Only days later, I promised God this would be our "Year of Faith."  You should have heard the comments.  Even David told me we were asking for it.  Asking for what? Isn't God going to do what God is going to do? As a follower of Jesus, how can I not long to be stretched and molded by Him? I knew times would be bumpy, hard, challenging... you name it. I really had no idea what I was in for.  I did, however know God was in control and would always be in control.  As long as we depended on Him, we were in good hands.  He would not leave us.

And things did get worse, for lack of a better word.  After keeping our news to a small, select group, we found out on July 23, 2013, we had lost Little One.  Both losses had been in the 2nd trimester, something extremely rare I was told.  In both cases, I found out because my OB couldn't find a heartbeat with the doppler so I was sent for an ultrasound.  In both cases, it was confirmed the baby had no heartbeat.  I was miserable this time and was scheduled for a D&C that night.  The next 2 days hubby watched over me as the doctor had ordered.  Micah stayed at a good friend's house.  Joy was already at my parents.  The both arrived home that weekend, only for Sunday to come.  

I already was not looking forward to Sunday.  It was our 6 year wedding anniversary, two days before we had originally planned to find out the gender of Little One.  I was dreading passing through that week, knowing we had scheduled it as a present to ourselves.  God had other plans.  Saturday night I had some discomforts but brushed them off due to utter exhaustion.  Sunday came and something just wasn't right.  Joy was sick anyway so David and Micah headed to drop off snacks with our Sunday School and I stayed home with Joy.  If you don't remember the rest of the story, I will get to the point:  Later that night, I was admitted with a pulmonary embolism.  I spent a total of 4 days in the hospital with the best nurses on earth taking care of me!  I was sent home and had about a week on Lovenox shots and a good 6 months planned on the Coumadin, the anticoagulant that would help my body shrink the blood clot in my lungs.  

The next several weeks I visited the ER twice and called once with troubling symptoms.  Each time, it was dismissed as fairly normal or gone by that time so the concern no longer remained. I even saw my GP who said she would refer me to a pain management clinic of sorts.  So, today I'm feeling pretty decent.  The past couple of weeks I have felt more like myself. Praise the Lord! Joy loves school. We love her school and her teacher.  Micah is more active than I remember Joy ever being.  He is still stubborn about fully walking or talking but does it more and more.  He's a happy little boy who sleeps much better these days.  (It probably helps that he was finally weaned back towards the end of July.)

So today may seem like an ordinary day to most.  Yes, I am in less pain overall but I am fully aware my journey is far from over this year.  I do not see my hematologist again until the week before Thanksgiving.  If the clot is gone, we will be able to start towards getting some real answers through tests shortly after we hope.  We are excited as David is finishing his last shift at Wendy's and we can start the transition of David training more and more at Round Table to advance up progressively over the next year or two.  We feel so blessed that being faithful thus far has brought us here and we have so much hope in our future... of going back to school ourselves, putting Micah in preschool down the line, a bigger place a few years out, you name it.. God is taking great care of us and I believe rewarding us for our faithfulness.  

At the beginning of the year, my good friend told me they had just finished their "Year of Trust." She told me it was hard but well worth it.  I will admit that gave me the teensiest bit of hope to God showing us what miracles He could do but I in no way expected ANY of this.  This year has already been EXTREMELY HARD! However, I can already see God's handprints all of it.  I am looking forward to the rest of it.  I have no clue what is to come but I know now more than ever we made the right decision. This is our "Year of Faith" and I will say it loud & proud!

That's all for now...
*Melis*

Zzzz...

It's only Thursday?
  Today was Joy's first "homeschool" day.  As apart of the school schedule, Joy spends 3 days at the school and 2 at home doing "extended homework."  Today also was the start of the new season of Women's Bible Study at church.  Today is also when we had money to buy much needed groceries.  What did this mean?  I started off the day with some help from David getting the kids ready before heading to grab coffee.  We went straight out to church where they played and I got to enjoy the lovely ladies and Bible Study.  We then headed to get a little gas, followed by two stores for groceries.  We headed by David's work to grab me a quick lunch while Micah slept briefly in the car.  We then went home where I brought in and put away groceries, fended off the overtired little boy and started working with Joy on her homework.  When I hit a point with questions, we headed back out to several more stores for grocery shopping and to pick up some more pencils for my cute girl.  We then headed home where I microwaved Kid Cuisines out of desperation and brought in and put away many, many more groceries.  I then sat down with Joy to finish her homework.  She then "decorated" her bed and got ready for bed and the kids played for a little bit. Since then, Micah went down.  Micah woke up.  Joy went down.  Micah went back down. And me?  I am ready for bed but still have a few things to do.

Was I crazy to think Joy starting school would make things easier?  Maybe its the fact that its the first week or that I am driving 30-60 minutes each day right now for school and church days at least both ways once, if not more.  Maybe its the fact that the routine isn't set or maybe its just that much more work than I realized.  Whatever it is, its exhausting.  My pain went up some, not enough to make me cry but enough to be noticeable and take closer together today.

But really... I am excited.  I have an excuse to make extra play dates, meaning I see some of my friends more, saving gas in making less trips back and forth.  Also, keeping busy tends to keep my spirits up. I am very social, not that its a surprise ;-) I could use a nap though, I mean a bedtime, hehe.  Looks like I am starting to fade.  Thank you all for the continued prayer. Took my adjusted dose of Coumadin tonight.  Next Wednesday we will see if that has made a difference.  I bought a lot of juice today.  I forgot how much I loved it.  My clinical pharmacist said its okay for me to drink the V8 VFusion I like so much as long as its consistent so that made me happen.

Well, I'm drifting so I am gonna head off.
That's all for now...
*Melis*

P.S. Please continue to keep the neighbor situation in your prayers. I sense something brewing and it is never pretty with them, despite anything we do or do not say.  Also, with everything going on, I believe I am more susceptible to an emotional outburst, as I don't have a lot of processing time to the still recent miscarriage. Thank you!

Day in Review... Time to Overcome?

Today I woke up and realized my alarm had been set but not turned ON. Seriously?! Thank goodness for the "Micah alarm" going off! I quickly woke David up and we woke up Joy fast to get the kids ready and out the door. (Please note: Joy needs a good HOUR to get up and be a happy camper. Lesson learned. No more forgetting to TURN ON the alarm. Doh.)

All while getting ready I was becoming increasingly aware my pain was more intense than normal for a morning. Moving around so fast might have actually been making it worse but I knew we had stepped out of "medium pain." Just as we were leaving, I took something for the pain. (Oh, how I look forward to the day I do not need ANY at ALL!)

We arrived at her new school and were warmly greeted right away. Joy was shy at first (as is her usual) at meeting her teacher and new classmates. We talked to her teacher (a friend from church) and chatted with several other parents and staff at the school. David went off to ask one of them a few lingering questions we still had and set up our interview for the next day.  (Talk about cutting it close - our year!)

We enjoyed our time and then were told we could actually interview in about 15 minutes.  When the principal was ready to meet with us, Joy's wonderful teacher agreed to continue to watch our little ones in her classroom with the other kids. We headed off to meet the principal. Let me tell you: this guy is in the right position, at the right place and made me feel even more confident about our decision to send Joy to this school. He  talked a lot about the classical approach to school with the Christian worldview. I was intrigued, learning even more, while fighting off the discomfort in my body from today's pain from my PE.  He assured us at the end of the interview we were a good fit and to not worry. He would expedite her application and would see us on Tuesday for the first day of school.  I was thrilled.  I felt so much more confident than even before this was definitely where Joy belonged.

We left shortly after. We dropped David off to get ready for his first job of the day and went to WinCo to get some groceries to get us through to "payday." The kids were wonderful and made it a fairly easy trip. Upon arriving at home, I get the kids' lunch ready and went back down to the car to grab the rest of the groceries. I grimaced and grumbled as the neighbors below us yelled loud, inappropriate things (from inside their apartment) that our whole side of the complex likely heard. I was frustrated, remembering issues they had caused for us a lot of the year but tried to remain calm as I headed back into the apartment to check on the kids and start to enjoy just being home for the day.

It was then that I realized I had left my phone in the "car cart" at WinCo but I headed back to the car to double check. Sigh. I sent my hubby a text message from my e-mail to alert him while I looked for the phone to the number we rarely used. Simultaneously, I was trying to get my lunch ready with te kids themselves chatting and finishing up lunch. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed, repeatedly checking my e-mail, hoping David could call for me and/or tell me where my other phone was. Micah had slept in the care for a short time so he refused to nap, even after a "noble" attempt on my part. Thankfully, the kids played really well together while I finished up lunch and surrendered the phone search (mostly).

It was during this time that I realized my pain had truly returned and I was feeling like someone had knocked the wind out of me... yet again. There's another sigh. I tried my best to relax as long as  I could before Micah warranted my attention and I discovered mess after mess Joy had made yet again in our little apartment. I was clearly frustrated at her horrible timing and at the fact that my daughter who had been doing so well was clearly acting out more than I wanted. Even though I sensed a little bit of why she was I was still frustrated as I tried to do as quick a fix to each of the situations before sitting down on the floor to play with my Micah for a bit.  This seemed to work with him better than yesterday and I admit I was relieved he was acting more like himself than previous days this past week. I said a little "thank you" to my Jesus before praying for survival through the discomforts for the rest of the day. 

Shortly after this, I was able to check my e-mail and discover quite the relief to myself. David had gotten my messages and had been called my the man who found my phone. He had taken my phone to customer service at WinCo and David had said he would grab it for me on his way home between jobs so I would not have to get out again feeling as I was. This was definitely good news (even though I despise my phone) as I need it more than I want to admit. My anxiety was still creeping back up as my kids' energy amped up near me.  When David arrived home he decided to "Boo!" Micah Boo and ended up making me jump in the air.  I cried. I fully cried and tried to run out of the room.  Poor David. I was done.  David did his best to give Micah the attention that he wanted as he got ready pretty hastily for his second job.

I hugged my hubby as he headed out the door again for a very long shift remembering he only had so many left at Wendy's and things would get better at home soon. I was happy that no more "super late nights turned early mornings" would be in our future after the next 1.5 weeks or so.  I was still sad though as I dreaded these back-to-backs for us all. Missing daddy is hard on everyone, even daddy.  After he left, I tried to focus on getting Joy her requested bath and both of the kids their dinner. This only worked so-so but at this point that is all I needed. I kept looking at the time, anticipating Micah's bedtime.  He was doing pretty well but I was so worn and concerned about pain creeping back in that I knew him being in bed would benefit myself, his sister and him.

I finally decided to try and eat dinner and found myself feeding Micah parts of my own dinner to keep him happy. (Sound familiar?) My kids eat more than most adults I know ;) It sure seems that way some days at least. Shortly after, I put Micah down and was happily surprised he had cried himself to sleep again.  We were definitely making much more progress lately in that arena and it wasn't taking nearly as long anymore.  I tried to focus and chat with Joy, as I reminded her that she in fact would not be getting dessert due to disobeying and creating unnecessary messes today. She was frustrated and repeatedly tried to ask me but I finally convinced her to settle for a  small snack so I could get my shower in and try and get more done so we could leave tomorrow shortly after my appointment.

Fortunately for me, tonight Joy hardly fought it. After my shower, Micah needed some cuddling. After he was back asleep, she gave in and decided not to fight me on sleep anymore and fell right to sleep.  Here I was finally with time to myself. I was out of my normal coffee so I used a different one in my drink. BAD idea! It was so not the same. I wimpered.... again.... over coffee. More sigh... I gave in to the pain medication before it took me over instead and remembered I was planning on writing tonight, being real...

So now I am sitting here contemplating my day, whining to myself... both thankful and irritable about pain medication, glad to have found some Facebook support groups for infant/pregnancy loss but still pensive as they are new to me, excited and nervous for Joy to start school in ONLY 5 sleeps... still wiping my eyes as I have been ALL day (still not sure why) and thankful for so many precious friends.  I am a bit of a wreck emotionally and physically today but am trodding on as usual. I love my Lord Jesus and know He is fully in control, especially of the finances, my health and our family's future (my biggest concerns as of late)!

Posting this one again... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z29olPjFbqg
That's all for now...
   *Melis*

P.S. Hematology appointment tomorrow (finally)!!