Transform

For those who have kept up with my blog over any length of time, you have probably noticed a "Word of the Year" David and I pick for our family each year.  Well, we picked one for this year back around Christmas, and honestly, I was too grumpy to go ahead and share it, because as with our "Faith" year, God is showing us through and through how He is trying to work in it... and sometimes, I don't like to deal with it.  As my husband often laments, "Why do we keep picking a word?"

TRANSFORM ~ For kicks and giggles, I decided to look up the definition... Here are just a few: "to change in condition, nature, or character; convert" or "to undergo a change in form, appearance, or character; become transformed."

Maybe you get why my hubby wasn't so excited suddenly...

Right out of the gate this year, I stepped out of Children's Ministry officially.  Since 2007, I was convinced this was my calling.  And I truly believe it WAS... but God changed that calling and at the time, I had NO idea where he was leading me.  I just knew our income was shrinking and I was clueless as to this area of my life for the first time in a very, very long time.  Only days, after I stopped working in Children's Ministry, we hit our first major bump with David's job.  After that, the hits kept coming.  I was angry.  And I know he was too.  I kept asking God "Why us again?  Haven't we been through enough yet?"  I finally came to the conclusion that while MY plan for transformation was one thing (getting fit, David advancing in his company, me working in Children's Ministry...), God had very different plans and he was working on transforming us in ways we didn't necessarily ask for.

Since then, I have taken it upon myself to work as hard as I can from home, doing whatever I think I need to do and praying it is enough to help us get back on track.  Unfortunately, it seems like when you think you finally have it figured out, when that changes, you can fall pretty hard.  To tell you the truth, I am a bit tired of bruising....

There is a verse in Romans that shed some light on this, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2 (NIV)

It all comes back to God's Will and what He has in store or us.  And even though, it is a scary time in our lives, especially financially, I know He has a plan and is going to lead us through it as needed, and in His perfect timing.

In Isaiah 26:3 (NIV), it says, "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you."

I don't know about you, but I am choosing to let him transform me this year.

As always,
     Melis

O-N-E H-U-N-D-R-E-D

When I started this blog, I was a few months into grieving the loss of my first angel... 
                                                                                                                                my third child...
My intent was to share with other women that they were not alone...
I wanted other people to know that miscarriage, still birth, and baby loss happens...
    that it is real, and there are women who go through it... often twice, three times, or more...
I wanted my words to possibly help even one woman know that she was not the only one..
    and that there are support groups...
       and organizations...
         and people who can help...
           and who care...
I did not know at the time, however what was ahead of me in that year...
    the year we first chose a family word...
       FAITH...
David warned me.  He told me that word was like setting ourselves up...
I knew... God would do what God would do and He would allow what He would allow...
This was our chance to step out and say we trusted Him, that we had FAITH.  He agreed.

Well, as many of you now know, that word clearly defined our year that unfolded in front of us. Two thousand thirteen was a year full of challenges... and not small ones.  Just before Mother's Day, we discovered we were pregnant again.  We were thrilled and a bit nervous, but mostly excited.  We kept it mostly to ourselves, telling only a handful of people.  We found out at fifteen weeks we had lost another baby... Five days later, I was diagnosed at the age of twenty-eight, on our sixth wedding anniversary with a pulmonary embolism, a large clot in my lungs.  Over the next four days in the hospital, I learned I had an inherited clotting disorder that was likely the source of ALL of this.

The following six months were all about getting better.  I had my blood drawn so frequently, I made friends with two of the ladies who worked there, to the point where I would not go to any other lab... ever.  I was constantly adjusting my medication to align with my INR levels from those blood draws.  Meanwhile, I was still in a lot of pain most days, so I was on pain medication for it.  When the time came for my scan and then my six month follow up, I was nervous but so excited.  On my Daddy's birthday, I found out I was free of Coumadin and the pain was gone.  I no longer needed the pain medication either and I had no side effects.  I felt like I got a huge present on my Daddy's birthday.  It felt freeing...

It was around this time I finally started to feel well enough to take better care of myself. Someone I knew from church posted about P90X3.  I had already had some past success with P90X and I loved the idea that I only needed to work out thirty minutes a day with this one.  A month in, I  was hooked and a month after that, I was signed up as a Beachbody coach.  I was on board, excited and I was changing my life.  I was losing weight, building muscle I did not know I had and I was seeing a future.  I was seeing a chance for life after multiple losses and a pulmonary embolism.  I was living a life on aspirin but that was not going to define me.  I was going to get healthier, fitter and be more in control of my own life, and I was going to take my family along for the ride... because if anyone deserved it, they did.  David had seen me at my worst.  He had not only stuck by me but he had supported me, encouraged me and seen to the kids needs whenever I could not.  My kids never saw me different it seemed either.  They loved on me and knew I was not whole somehow but they cared and wanted me anyway.  My family needed this.  So I was going to make these changes for them.

Something interesting happens when you immerse yourself in something... it changes you.  It takes you to on an adventure that you cannot predict.  You think you are in control but each of those decisions takes you somewhere else.  Yes, I wanted to lose weight but I was learning that with that weight loss, I was getting stronger, and not just physically (which was pretty awesome on its own, let's be honest) but I was starting to think more for myself.  I was not depending on David for as much.  I was starting to do activities I enjoyed again.  I was cooking, baking, running, swimming, writing more... I was making decisions firmly again;  I was not waffling so much.  I was building confidence back that I once had but it was different this time.  It was ALL different this time...

It sure seemed that way.  I was twenty-five lbs down, I was working out six days a week.  I was eating better than I had ever before.  I was working out at least an hour each day and I was setting goals and challenges and not letting injuries or other obstacles stop me.  They were aiding me, teaching me more about myself and who I was, who I could be.  I liked it.  I was ready to crush more programs and goals and take on the world!  Truthfully, I felt like my own version of Wonder Woman.  I knew who I was and no matter what happened next,  I was confident I could handle it; David and I could handle it.  We were equipped, prepared and in control.  Good news or bad news, the world was ours.

And then we found out we were pregnant...  We had just celebrated our seventh wedding anniversary.  We were less than a month out from Joy starting first grade.  David had just received a promotion at work and our sweet kiddos seemed genuinely happy.  No one had been sick in months.  I tell you the honest truth, I froze...

Since the moment my hematologist cleared me of my pulmonary embolism, I was ecstatic, not just because I was healed... but because I wanted so badly to have my baby... my rainbow baby... the one that fulfilled the promise that we were able to still have kiddos, the one that meant my hematologist was right and we now not only had a reason for my losses and six additional months "out of commission" but for a solution to it as well.  In theory, it all made sense and it seemed great.... 

Reality is cruel some days.  For so long, you just pray and imagine and wonder what it will be like one day to have your greatest dream come true and when you are on the brink of it, all of your worst fears and insecurities come rushing right back.  And during the first sixteen weeks of my pregnancy (twelve since I found out), that is where I was.  My blood pressure was higher, my days were quieter.  I was more withdrawn.  I initially excitedly told people, only to be reminded each day that anything was possible and we were not safe yet. Additionally, I had morning sickness like never before, as well as fatigue day in and day out.  Parts of me physically hurt so much that I could not figure out how to even walk for exercise... me... the person who had thrived on and lived on and ingrained in myself this idea that exercise was a part of me...

A part of me... Fitness had become a piece of the person I saw myself to be long term, the person I was developing and becoming as an adult... as a mature, healthy, well-rounded adult... It was THAT important to me that I crumbled repeatedly at the thought of not showing that side of me... over and over and over again.  I wanted so much to prove to women that you could be fit and pregnant.  I wanted to be that woman who looked like she could take on the world, even when I was thwarted by pregnancy annoyances.  After all, I had seen other women do it, read their posts and seen photos of what they were eating during pregnancy, how they were continuing their fitness regimen and how great it made them feel... and how much better their labor was because of it.  And then I realized... I was jealous.  I was jealous of the women who did not feel pregnancy the way I did this time around or at least did not appear to feel it the way I did.

Sixteen weeks arrived, and thanks to a sweet friend and a special at our ultrasound place, we got to see our princess, kicking around... with a heartbeat... I think that is when I finally let my breath out for the first time in this entire pregnancy.  The daily injections of Lovenox were working.  My body worked.  My baby looked as healthy as her older brother and sister did.  She was even measuring ahead by a week already (thanks to her father's genes, haha), just as her older siblings did at that point as well.  She was the cutest baby we had seen in a very long time.  And when we picked up Joy from school that day, she shrieked and turned around and told one of her teachers she was going to have a sister.  My heart lit up like letters on a Wheel of Fortune board.

Over the next few weeks, I found strength and some energy and started to walk again.  I was still sick as a dog most days but I was seeing the hope I had not seen for months.  Just that picture of my newest little girl kicking made me smile.  And not more than a week after we saw that ultrasound, I felt those first kicks, right on schedule, just like her older brother and sister.  My back still hurt as well but I kept trying to stay positive as people reminded me over and over that she was fine, growing, even thriving... The closer I got to the New Year, the more hopeful I got, the more ecstatic I got.  I started thinking about running new challenge groups, one right out of the gate in the New Year.  A group of ladies committed to check in and get a health tip and talk about what it meant and apply it as able.  It was simple and for 21 days, that is exactly what many did.  It helped remind me of something I had forgotten...

We have seasons in life.  Some of them are longer or shorter.  Some are ridiculously fun. Some are more challenging.  Some pass by without being noticed.  Some contain combinations of challenges, fantastic news, and moments that pass us by.  But the point is, seasons exist.  And each season ultimately comes to an end, transitioning into another.  I have often noticed they overlap as well in certain areas.  Anytime when I am in one of my harder seasons, I remind myself that it will not last forever, no matter how long it may seem at the time.  This is what we went through during our Year of Faith.  And when the following year hit, our promise was to be content, no matter what.  Considering that year had no huge hurdles, I think there were times we questioned if we were more faithful than content... And yet, she was conceived during this year, found to be a girl during this year, one growing and thriving inside of me like I had only dreamed...

I often think of two-thousand-fourteen as our transition year.  We had it rough for a year, worked out some kinks and frustrations the following year and then we needed to make some serious decisions during two-thousand-fifteen.  We wanted to leave the excuses behind us.  No one would make us feel inferior.  No one would determine whether or not we were happy or content ;-)  No one else had the power over us.  Only God was in control.  We would be setting goals and making plans (to the best of our abilities).  We would be embracing this year like no other.  We would LIVE.  I always make sure to emphasize (I hope) that this word is a verb, an action.  It is NOT passive by any means.  We would trust God.  We would do what we could within His will.  This included David's job, my working, our children, our living situation... absolutely everything...

So it may or may not surprise you to find out that one of those aspects of my life that I have struggled most with in recent weeks is confidence... I lack it.  As I work on my business, I question myself constantly.  I wonder if I am pressuring myself to the point of failure.  I constantly question whether I am a good enough mother or not.  My son did not get a good lunch.  My daughter did not get much time with mommy today.  Homework did not get finished.  The house is still a complete mess, possibly worse when David walks in the door at night.  There is a tantrum and not only do I not know how to stop it, I do not know what is causing it.  I tell my kids to wait.  One of them breaks something.  I worry if I am eating enough.  Will my baby be okay?  It is a constant battle these days.

So in light of this constant struggle as of late, I decided to try an experiment... nothing fancy but with my thirtieth birthday approaching in the next few months, I decided to ask around thirty friends for a word that describes me, no other instructions included.  Now some simply declined and some gave me multiple ones.  Some gave me words that really made me think.  Others repeated a word another had given me, some of which I did not expect to see even once.  Now where am I going with this?  It is about perspective.  The people who know you best, the people who care about you... they do not see your flaws like you do.  Now, they may be the ones to approach you if something really is off because they care but they do not sit there and complain about you constantly and anything that may be "wrong" with you.  So, why do I?  How is it even possible for me to LIVE when I am so focused on all of these negative aspects I see in myself, a human trying to do my best?  It really is not possible to LIVE fully.  So I decided to delve in and see how I was actually perceived...

Some of the words I have struggled with the most are strong, beautiful, and brave... 
   Why? Because I have fought against a perception that I feel weak most of my life, because I    am a woman who does not often see the beauty in who she truly is unless I am feeling            good, and because when life fell down around my family and I, I did what I thought I              needed to do, never once seeing     it as anything other than that.
A word that surprised me... enduring...
   This goes along with the words, strong and brave,  I struggle with it a little but like the        perspective.  I truly believe without God, we would be finished and I would be forever              depressed in a hole.  I do not believer I could endure life without His continual promises.
Some words that encourage me... compassionate, supportive, genuine...
    I love to hear these kinds of words!  I need to remember them!  These are things I strive         for on a regular basis so it is nice to see that I am emanating them to others.

"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." ~ Marilyn Monroe

I came across this quote and could not help but see it as incredibly meaningful for where I am now.  It has been more than two years since we said goodbye to our first angel and there are days I still cry and mourn his loss.  There are days where I still question God.  And as far as we have come in our journey as a family, it still makes us sad.  I have always found a way to explain to others that it has to be a part of something so much bigger but I have only been able to point to my best guess as to what that is.  Perhaps, it was not just so I could share with you my journey and to help others but to help us see how important health is... and life.  Without the passing of our dear Squirt, I would have never started this blog.  I might not have seen the depth of how God can work in one person ,one couple, one family... as He has in ours.  Upon losing Little One and being diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism and Factor V Leiden all within about a week during the summer of two-thousand-thirteen, I became more open to the fact that perhaps God has bigger plans for us as a family and I needed to make some changes.

As previously mentioned, I have struggled with my own self confidence and opinion of myself at times... often actually.  I have been hyper-aware of how I believed I was perceived and always felt like I needed to fight against this idea that I was weak, frail, miniscule, unimportant... I have never wanted to upset people, ruffle feathers, branch out too far.  If it was comfortable or a little outside of my comfort zone, I could be happy... but I never pushed much.  I never wanted to offend people by accident.  I did not want to open up my insecurities that far.  I was scared.  I am scared.  So maybe it is about learning that its okay to pray big dreams, work hard to achieve them and try hard enough to reach people that they just might be offended, but do it in a way that still shows my care and love for them.  I do not have to be timid in sharing any part of my journey or any part of my future or any part of how it has changed my life or my family's for the better.  This is who I am and this is who I want to be.  I want to break free and share...

In about seven to nine weeks, we will be welcoming a new baby girl into our family.  We will be in yet another new phase of our family and our lives and in a lot of ways, we will have come full circle from that day in January when we received the worst news of our lives to date, that we had lost our baby, Squirt.  It by no means erases our memories or thoughts of our babies gone too soon or my health going into limbo for so long.  It does not negate our views on family or life.  If anything, it just enhances them and makes them that much more clear.  I have learned SO much about who I am as a wife, a mother, a baby loss mother, a Beachbody coach, a friend, a daughter, a sister and a woman in Christ... Through all of our struggles, God has remained FAITHFUL and I plan to return the favor.  I plan to LIVE this year, no excuses... I will be INTENTIONAL and GENUINE even when it hurts, even when others do not like it.  I will push harder and work more carefully to achieve my goals and set up a future for my family that I am proud of... and I will never, ever forget how God blessed me with the absolute best friend and husband in the world, my David!

That is all for now...

As always,
Melis

Copyright Photos @Sara Story Photography
sarastory2008@gmail.com, (831) 588-7345

The 12 Days After Christmas ~ Day 10 ~ Making Progress

Can you believe we're on Day 10 already?  It feels like time is suddenly flying by.  My oldest, my sweet Joy Joy goes back to school this week.  I'll be driving more again but at least the routine will come more naturally to us.  Tomorrow is David's day off.  I have my glucose tolerance test... bleh.  I get to meet up with a good friend though.  And get this... I might just get a nap... maybe.

Today I woke up thoroughly exhausted.  (I am noticing a trend.)  I headed out for coffee and was amazed to realize when I got back how motivated I was.  You know what?  I am working on a website.  I am super excited about it too.  I have wanted to do this for a long time but have not had the drive or determination to get it going and keep it up.  I finally think I am in the right place to do it though.  It is in the VERY earliest stages so not published yet but I am excited as to how it is shaping up.  I will let you know when it is up!

I also worked a little bit on my challenge group starting up tomorrow... New Year, New You ~ 21 Days to Reset & Restart ~ https://www.facebook.com/groups/newyearreset/  <--- Click to join!  I am excited about the tips and motivation I have to share with you.  I feel so blessed at all that I have learned during this past year despite its ups and downs.

I am reminded over and over about how just because you wake up feeling iffy does not mean your day has to continue or end that way.  YOU do have some power.  You can CHOOSE to better your day even if you are tired or not feeling well.  You cannot choose what happens to you but you can choose how to react to it and how to interact with those that you encounter.  Anyway you look at it, you're blessed.  God has put you on this earth for a reason and I am glad you are here!

As always,
Melis

I am not so happy...

Okay so my usual personality tends towards positivity... seeing the beauty, the good, the lovely in all that I possibly can.  But I will be honest, that has been super hard lately... and I've been grumpy.  And yes, I can blame it on a million things... the clotting disorder, the bipolar disorder, the miscarriages, the blood pressure issues, our less-than-nice neighbors, stolen wallet, stolen cans, grumpy or non-communicative family, friends, coworkers of David's... but I am not going to... or maybe I am?  I 

I am tired.  I miss my friends.  I wish other friends lived closer.  I miss my hubby and wish he could be home more often.  I wish his bosses knew how good they really have it with him, I mean really!  And yes, I will say it.  I wish I had more money, more means to help my kids see what life could really be like.  And yes, we have those moments, those precious times with them and I know they love us!  But I am sometime very ashamed of this place we call home and making them live in a place I don't feel 100% safe in myself, a place where being loud can get us reported to the landlord... all because a 2 & 6 year old were playing.

I have slowly started working on my business again.  (GO Beachbody!)  I have tried to stop making excuses about why I cannot do it.  I will still hurt.  I will still be limited this pregnancy but I am not incapable of being the BEST me I CAN be in THIS place.  Because I am in a different place, I need to adjust and deal with it.  I need to find a ways to share with you all WHERE I am NOW and what that means.  I do not have to stop; I just need to realign?  Does that make sense?

What is on your mind?  Check me out on Facebook if you like...

That's all for now,
Melis

P.S. How cute is this precious girl?! 

P.S.S. Baby girl just kicked me.

What was stolen? Broken? Hurt?

Phone appears to be broken... check!

Stolen wallet on Halloween at work (David)... check!

Phone that was working is now overheating and not working again... check!

Popped tire on freeway... check!

Other car won't start... check!

Discover heater does not work... check!

Half of recyclables stolen off of porch... check!

Phone screen officially refuses to turn on again... check!

This is a snapshot of our last month and a half or so...

OR IS IT?

As I cried to my friend today about our recent "disasters" today, I realized how easy it is to focus on the negatives.  Sure finances haven't been anywhere near great for awhile.  Sure, my pregnancy hormones have me crying, puking and forgetting just about everything.  Micah is 2.  Kids are 2.  They survive.  And so do their parents!  Oh, and my phone didn't die for 1.5 months after it started acting up!  The car with the popped tire was partially paid for by someone close to us who heard what happened.  The other car was opened and jumped by our insurance company a day later.  It did not cost us a cent!  (This is why my hubby is in charge of taking care of our insurance.)  The person who stole our recyclables off of our porch... missed some!  Our heater is still broken.. but we have at least a dozen blankets in this house.

And guess what? Even though we deal with struggles... we have people in our lives who care.  One of my friends regularly picks up and brings home my daughter from school 2 of 3 school days each and every week.  Today, when I had a panic about the car not "registering" the little bit of gas I put in, a friend bought me some.  In fact, she bought me more than I needed to get home.  Today,  my close friend who I adore did my hair.  I love going to her.  She always gives me such a good experience and she is a precious, precious friend.  If she allowed, I am sure I could talk her head off for much, much longer.  Last night, hubby cooked me dinner.  (I took photos but they are on the currently broken phone.)  Oh yeah, and he baked cookies... from scratch.  Tonight too!  Do you know how hard it is to feed a pregnant woman?  Especially one who is picky to begin with and has been puking almost every week of her pregnancy??? Oh yeah, and this guy gives foot rubs sometimes before bedtime on his nights without doubles! 

So I guess what I am trying to say is just that... our lives are not always easy... or fun... or what we want them to be for that matter.  We go through stages and seasons, sometimes which feel... way... too... long.  But they don't last forever.  And if you are paying attention, you will often notice those little or bigger blessings God is trying to show you along the way.  When I was on the side of the freeway a few weeks ago, I went through the list of blessings.  Thank goodness the car stopped in Livermore, near friends, 30 minutes from home, not where the road is dangerous or where I do not have cell phone signal.  The car stopped 30 minutes before David was off of work, not in the middle of his shift.  My mom was free to talk to me on the phone while I waited for David and the guy to help me.  It was just a tire, not something worse, not something more expensive.  And we still had our spare available and the guy changed it for us!  Oh yeah, and the kids slept though 99% of the entire experience.  We got home just before midnight.  It was the eve of one of a holiday, a day without schoolwork for Joy... you get my point, right?

I am not asking you to forget what happened or not mourn or grieve or be sad at frustrated.  People have real reasons to be upset, often around the holidays especially.  And it is important as friends to be there for them and listen.  But I guess I am trying to shed a little perspective on things.  It has taken a me 2-3 days of pondering & praying about this blog ent.y to get it here.  And I am not even sure if it came out the way I liked fully.  Feel free to share your thoughts...

As always,

Melis

P.S. Still working on adding more graphics and photos.  It's a work in progress for sure!

22 Weeks & Counting

Tomorrow marks 22 weeks pregnant with my little rainbow princess and since David had a rare day off, I asked him to take some "bumpies" today. (Excuse my hair, ahem.)  This pregnancy has not been fun... almost at all. In fact,  it's made us really think on whether we want a large family anymore. But that is for another day.

  What it is...
    •A reminder of God's promises
    •A miracle
    •Cuddly
    •A time of reflection
    •Proof I have the right doctors in my corner

Today was one of those preggo days where I spent more time lamenting my hormones than I would of liked. Let's just say the tears kept a flowin' & if they were not flowin' somebody was getting glared at or eyes rolled at.  And David had the day off... Now, normally I would pity him some but today he took it all in stride.  He always seemed to be right there when I least expected it, right when I needed a hug, or an arm around me, or a ridiculous joke to get my mind off things temporarily.

And then there's this little princess inside of me who has kicked pretty much all day long.  (Do babies EVER sleep? Am I in trouble? ) At least her kicks are still fun for the most part. She is a constant reminder of who our God is.

Tomorrow I take on another walk. I feel like it's the little things that keep me from losing every bit of my mind (if there's any left). Most of my walks are shorter these days but I am trying to make the effort to do them anyway. Feel free to join me in setting a walking goal for yourself! (I'm on RunKeeper.)

So another week is upon our little family. Baby girl is AT LEAST as big as a papaya this week.  (Have you met my children?) David works back-to-backs Thursday-Sunday after 6 hour shifts Tues/Wed. Joy soared through her homework today so I am confident in her upcoming week at school. Micah has finally started acknowledging his little sister (well, sort of). And Abby... she is still fluffy.

Another week in the lives of this Voeltz Family ahead. What is your family up to this week???

As always,
Melis

Grumpy days need friends...

I woke up today and realized I was not going to be doing my favorite workouts today. Oh well, when you're following a plan that works, you make the choice to get up and do them anyway. I weighed in and realized I had gone up a few lbs but nothing added up, so I figured I was retaining water... sigh. I rolled my eyes and headed towards my first workout.  'll be honest, it took me a bit to get started but I started. 'll be honest, it took me a bit to get started but I started. I whined a bit to myself because I did not like it but I kept trying.  And just as I was about to finish the first one, my left glute started hurting.  I know this pain so I backed off and checked in with my hubby, ultimately finishing all but the burnout. But I realized the pain was not going away.  In fact, it was getting worse and not budging.  I rolled my eyes yet again, had a mini pity party and checked my phone.  I headed off to my good friend's house to swim for a little bit.  It helped while I gingerly moved through the water but the moment I stood up, the pain was there in full force... and I was at the edge.  I went back home to get ready for the day, facing the realization that I was not going to run, not going to do my MMX workout, that I was going to stay off my feet, ice the muscle and try to be a good mom to the one and only kiddo I have around here the next few days.

Today has not been my shining day but it is not the first hurt muscle I have had since I made the commitment to workout and become a healthier human being. Most, in fact have healed within 1-2 days with proper care and rest.  Perhaps my grumpy attitude was more about that feeling one gets when they accomplish something... I wasn't getting it and I knew today I needed that extra day of rest. Let me tell you though when you're going through any type of trial, having someone(s) to reach out to makes all of the difference. The same people who console me when I am having a bad day also are the same people that keep my accountable.  I am very fortunate to have those people in my life.  Otherwise, a day like today would have sent me to the nearest fast food restaurant AND my favorite coffee place... and tomorrow? Well, I likely would not have lost the water weight ;-) 

Have you had any frustrating days lately? Do you have someone(s) to turn to? Do they also call you out on those things you need to? Are you looking to make a change? For 6 weeks of accountability, take a chance and join my challenge group. You won't regret it. Message me or visit me at Facebook.com/RunLissaRun 

Tomorrow is going to be a better day...

Melis

Blown away...

I'm trying to get my head around this...

I'm not used to this kind of putting myself out there. Sure, I shared my life with you all this last year but YOU chose to read this blog, stay informed and encourage me.  And for those who liked my recently set up fitness Facebook page, YOU again chose to follow it.  You all read because you want to.  What happened last night was something I could not have imagined.  It was beyond anything I could have predicted. 

You see I posted those transformation photos not because I wanted the praise but because I wanted to share with all of you a few things...

1) My love for fitness & health. I love it because I love me and I want to be a BETTER me. I want my family to feel it. I want them to love it or at least appreciate it like I do.

2) I want to inspire others.  It took me a LONG time to be in the place to lose weight, to start this transformation for real, to become consistent to the point where I pretty much HATE rest days.  That is right. I miss working out on those days.

3) Where is all came from... It is not an accident I started to change my habits.  It sure was not a magic pill either.  It comes from a raw place I am often reliving.  Last year, after losing 2 babies and on the brink of losing my own life, I immediately went into survival mode for myself, my kids, my hubby.  After getting off the Coumadin and on to aspirin as instructed by my hematologist, I did NOT bounce back. I struggled... horribly.  I hid. I did anything I could to avoid people.  But with time, grieving and some serious inspiration, I knew that for those very reasons, I HAD to do this.  This was NOT a choice for more anymore...

...LIFE is far too important to just sail through...

My transformation is far from over. I am excited to keep moving towards my goals and prayerfully continue to build our family as God allows and leads us.  I am very excited about this stage of our lives and that I get to share my <3 with ALL of YOU!!!

Thank you for continuing to read and delve in to my story, my life, my transformation... I hope to help inspire others on their own.  If you wanna chat, message me and/or check me out at Facebook.com/RunLissaRun

This is NOT ultimately just about me.  I hope we ALL make it, YES?

That's all for now,

Melis

Are you OFF today?

Ever had a rough day?  Let's be honest. We all have at some point, probably a lot if we are being truthful.  Some are worse than others.  You know what I mean though, right? You often wake up feeling off and everything you attempt to do is affected by this nagging feeling or how tired you are or... fill the blank here.

Today was one of those days.  It wasn't that I didn't put in effort. It wasn't that I wanted it to be harder.  However, it was. I got up at 5:30. I did my X3 Yoga. I went for my 2 mile run. Neither felt good like I am used to. I spent most of my Yoga looking forward to a fresh run.  And then during my run, I dragged on and on just barely moving in a jog for just about the ENTIRE 2 miles.  I knew I had another workout but could not do it until 9am or later due to the noise rules of the complex. After drinking my Endurox, David and I agreed I needed to go back to bed. I was tired.  I was in and out for about 2.5 hours. David left for work. I woke up, slowly starting to feel better. That didn't last though. I walked into the other room and realized about 60 seconds in my body was still fatigued and I needed to postpone this workout to the next day. I worked on lunch for the kids and I. Once fed, I was overcome with emotion. Life just has a way of hitting you hard sometimes, overwhelming you... and the truth here is that I could have been a bit more organized early on and I knew I would be tired and yet I ignored those facts and was suffering the consequences of my own choices... not to go to bed earlier the past few nights, not to make my to do lists and even try to follow them some days...

So I was frustrated, teary, exhausted and I cried out to a friend. She gave me a quick piece of advice. I followed it.  And you know what?  I also got a few extra things done. 

I am still tired, fatigued, frustrated and today I did not follow my usual "diet." (I detest that word by the way.) But tomorrow is a new day and even on the hardest days, I can do something... and so can you.  Lesson learned? I definitely did today. No more laziness when life is hard.  Take it easier? Sure. But I won't give up again just because I am feeling "off."

That's all for now...
Melis

6 month mark!

I honestly can't believe I just passed the 6 month mark!  On July 28th, our 6th wedding anniversary I was diagnosed with a large pulmonary embolism.  This was only 5 days after our second miscarriage of the year. I couldn't believe it & honestly had no idea what would be next. At the follow up appointments with my hematologist, I learned that I would need to stay on my Coumadin for 6 months, even though 3-4 months was a more likely time frame in which I would be healed up enough. He said he did it to make sure.  Well 6 months couldn't come soon enough but I finally had my scans... yesterday!  I had an ultrasound on my legs & a CT of my chest.  And on Friday, February 7th I get the results!  I am beyond excited and nervous.  If all is clear, I get to go off the Coumadin & on to baby aspirin & get a FULL workup done, hopefully giving us more clear answers as to what happened. 

As excited as I am, a part of me remains hesitant.  These past 6 months have given me a lot of extra "smaller" hurdles: 3-5 yeast infections, a UTI, several colds, a sinus infection, a mysterious wrist injury, multiple drops in my INR that took some time to fix, TONS of blood draws, sharp mysterious pain, unusual cycles, several ER visits, a few GP visits, medication, medication & often even more medication.  But after 6 months, I am starting to see more about what people mean, when they say you can never go back.  I am not the same person I was before all of this happened. Physically, I have to work harder to get my energy; I can't just go out for a run and expect it all to come back to me. I am learning that through baby steps, I can still be relatively healthy & that small boosts of energy are totally just as important as big hurdles reached. Emotionally, I will never be the same either & I think it will be a long time before David looks at me without genuine concern when I tell him something hurts or I need to see a doctor. We've carefully navigated over egg shells for some time & while the pain has mostly subsided, we know we cannot erase the past, nor should we try.  We've become a stronger pair this year, a stronger team.  And whatever the results may be, that is something I definitely would never want to take back!

That's all for now..
<3Melissa

Bring it on?

What a year!  I have to admit I am kind of relieved to be saying goodbye to 2013. This has easily been our hardest year to date.  We started out our year officially losing baby Squirt on January 10th which prompted me declaring it "Our Year of Faith." A few months followed & one month into my P90X journey, we discovered I was pregnant again.  I evolved to not miss a beat. I joined a "Rainbow" group on FB, took pics every week from 5 weeks on, faithfully made every appt, even hosting a thank you for close friends, as well as planning my gender reveal party. At 15w2d there we were again. No htbt. Baby was gone. That was July 23rd. July 28th,  our 6th wedding anniversary I was admitted with what was referred to as a very large pulmonary embolism. I was released on blood thinners August 1st.

I was determined to try and fight through it all, not letting it get me down, blogging frequently & trying to focus on my family.  That was follows up with 5 back-t-back 2 week or so periods & 3-4 yeast infection s. Once my INR stabilized,  I could finally start to see the light at the end of this p see et of our journey.

And then December hit. 3 ER visits diagnosing some unknown issue with my wrist (bruise without contact of anything and initially very painful), a sinus infection & a UTI, only to be hit with a sore throat and more cold symptoms only a few days ago. I am exhausted but I think, finally on the mend.

2013 has been all about faith & God has definitely stretched us, Himself proving faithful to us through it all. 2014 holds some tough dates out the gate with January 10th being Squirt's 1st angelversary & January 12th bring Little One's former due date. But this year, we look forward to exploring & growing in anlther way. We don't know why this year was so hard, nor why some things stayed stagnant & others only got worse. 

As I lay here cuddling my little boy, I want to share our goal for 2014. ~ Contentment. We don't know what this next year holds but I am glad it is just around the corner. I hope you will consider a challenge yourself. My hubby and I are closer than ever to each other, our kiddos & to our Lord Jesus. Hard as it was,  I can hope God fulfilled some of His Will through our struggles. I trust God has big things in store going forward.  Having said all that...

2014... Bring It On!!!

*Melis*

Voeltz Family Update

A month & a half ago I posted & not again... 

~It sure feels like a lot longer than that.  To be honest, I just didn't know what to say.  As hard as this year has been, these past couple of months have been the most emotional for me.  I feel like the ups & downs are apart of my life now.  I am used to tears, mood swings & settling in for my evenings of irritability.  Micah lately has begun sleeping even worse. He's more stubborn & I'm more sensitive but together we cuddle so well.  I've been told over & over to let myself grieve, let myself have bad days, to be okay with a little bit done at a time but it doesn't stop the guilt some days.  I want to do more, be a better mom, wife, friend... I've found myself spending more time at home, less time online, finding things like baking & craft projects to focus on.  I try to regularly post thankfulness on Facebook & stay aware of who I am now & not try to be anyone else.  David's schedule has regulated recently for the time being & he recently got a small raise that doesn't get us out of the woods but it helps some nonetheless.  I often go to bed early & the other nights I stay awake waiting for my David to come home for that hug & chat before sleeping.  My pain levels have dropped quite a bit & my "womanly" issues since the summer have finally started to improve.  After a lot of time staying home, I  have recently started to organize a play date here & there, a walk or a meet up with a friend as time & sensitivity allows.  Life isn't easy & I guess I just wasn't ready to tell you all that, that months later, I am struggling emotionally more than ever.  As we head towards the New Year, David & I dread our Squirt's first angelversary & our Little One's original due date, just 2 days apart towards the middle of January.  I've spent a lot of time focusing on the holidays, projects & anything that will help me through the day to be a better mom to my kids.  David has been amazing.  Its amazing how far our marriage has come in the 6+ years.  Just the other day, he said all of the right things & knew when to hold me & how to get us through our morning & out the door in time.  My parents have been marvelous too as I have spent many a Sunday this fall at their place dealing with the stresses, emotions, & side effects of medications. I'm looking forward to returning to Home Front with David after the New Year & also glad Bible Study will return as well.  Just today, a friend & I set up a standing play date.  Looking forward to having that time with her while our kiddos play.  We said goodbye to one of our vehicles recently.  David was hit at a stoplight & the insurance company deemed it a total loss.  We've got some decisions to make.  So ups, downs... they're normal~

How can you pray for us?  Pray we can set me up with regular counseling to help healing & processing for me.  Pray for continued stability in David's schedule & that it won't be too long before the promotion & next raise.  Pray for David's & my emotional health. This year of Faith has tested us through & through & there are days we feel like we are constantly running for cover. Please pray for our kiddos as well.  It can't be easy walking on egg shells around Mommy & Daddy.  Please pray as we approach 6 months of pulmonary embolism medicine at the end of January.  If all is clear then, I will be pulled off of the medicine, put on aspirin for a little bit & able to have a full workup done, hopefully for more answers for us. 

Some praises?  Joy absolutely loves school.  We are very thankful for TVCCA & Mrs. Beasley. Thank God David wasn't hurt in the accident,  Considering his ongoing back problems, we are glad nothing got worse.  We are thankful my pain levels have dropped. We are blessed with amazing friends that have showered us with love & prayers during this very difficult year.

We appreciate all of the support.  Hopefully I will be blogging again more these days.
As always,
Melissa

Blood draw, the kindness of strangers, weak & headaches, INR & hubby...

Is the title long enough?

I'll admit, feeling a bit guilty I have written much lately. That about sums it up but I am guessing its still confusing, yes? So, I'll bite!  I'll give you some more... I guess ;)

I feel like I have an eternity to update.  I'll start where I can...

What a day yesterday was!  I woke up cuddled next to my little boy (who is growing way too fast by the way).  He most always finds his way into our bed just a few hours before wake up these days. I don't have the heart to turn him away so I ask David to grab him.  When David grabbed him, he set him between us.  Micah moved around, smirked & cuddled up to me.  I love my little mama's boy!  It is so good to be loved by him & wake up next to him.  It made it really hard to get out of bed this morning. But, alas it had to happen.

Fortunately, David already was getting Joy up, her uniform picked out, her lunch made... you name it! Two days in a row I drop the ball.  Two days in a row he hits it out of the park!! He is beyond what I could have imagined in the little, everyday things of life, I must say.  But getting back to my day... As I slowly got ready, I encouraged my Joy Joy to get ready as Micah slept soundly in the background, still laying on our bed.  She was slow to get ready, as she is most days but cheerful nonetheless & David showed no signs of rushing her, despite the time on the clock.  I frantically ran around myself, hoping to find a jacket or a sweater I liked... or something but gave up, asking if it was okay if I headed out for my blood draw.  There seems to be a line these days & I rarely remember to make an appointment.  He agreed & I headed out the door... COLD.  As soon as I started the car I realized I was missing my phone but brushed it off as I knew I would be home long before David & Micah anyway.

To my surprise, I was one of the first to arrive, just 5 minutes or so shy of 7am.  By 7:15am I was back in the car & on my way to grab coffee across town.  *This one was free so I wasn't passing it up!)  I noticed the "check gauges" light on but brushed it off for the most part as I knew I had put enough gas in the day before & David always reminds me I am okay to drive.  I grabbed my coffee shortly after and started towards home.  And then it happened, I was running out of gas.  I was out within seconds & freaked.  I panicked. No phone and no clue how to get it, the nearest gas station was less than a half mile away but I couldn't remember if the gas can was in the back or not. Relieved to find it, I tried to put the tiny amount in it in my car.  No luck of that helping. I contemplated my next move, deciding to grab my keys, purse & the gas can & ran to the gas station. I was flustered but thankful I had some cash on me, even if it was meant for something else initially. It was my only form of payment in that moment.  I got in line & in light tears asked the guy how much I needed and how much it would cost & then headed out to fill it up.  Only it wouldn't fill up.  Fortunately for me, another attendant noticed my frustration and offered to help me.  I gladly accepted and he mentioned sometimes you have to "re-click" the nozzle in and out of its holder and then try again.  He did & I was thrilled. He asked if I knew what to do and I responded with a definite "yes!" as I had troubleshooted the gas can back at the car just minutes before.

Feeling a little more relieved, I headed for the car, only to see what I thought was a cop behind it. Panicked I was now receiving a ticket, I started to run but I had a crosswalk on a major street in front of me and was in my walking sandals.  (Yes, walking.  I love them for that because I am not a "shoe person" but they are not good for running.)  He was gone before I got there. I was nervous. Upon arriving, however, no ticket... phew! However, as cars whizzed past & I waited to try & fill my tank, I realized I had NO idea what I was doing. I really didn't The gas just sat in the top & it kept spilling when I tried to push it in. I was panicked yet again, having not even checked the time yet.  Finally, I saw a woman walking past and reached out for help.  She stopped to see what I was up to, saying she didn't know how to fill it either but after talking, offered to help find someone.  I ran after her to the nearby grocery store & we asked some gentleman in front of the store for help. Within minutes, she and both men were there with a funnel helping to fill my gas tank.  They even stayed to make sure my car made it out.  I was saved... for me, such a feat, such a stress. Now, I know how to fill up a gas tank on the side of the road, as long as there is a gas can & station available.

1 1/2 hours after leaving my house I was finally home, just minutes after my confused husband and son.  Unfortunately, it wasn't over for me.  For most of the day, I felt weak, tired & was in a bit of pain.  I had headaches, side aches, back pain... you name it. I could barely move without my eyes fluttering. I was concerned.  Even getting out with my hubby to get something done didn't energize me as normal.  In fact, it seemed to make things worse!  I had canceled a few play dates to try and feel better and it took a LONG time to even think about it.  I even convinced David to do the driving to and from Joy's school today since I was experiencing so many issues;. I was thankful for this extra time to build some of my strength back before he headed to work for the night. He sacrificed most of his day to be here for me! :-D

After arriving home, Joy & I made an attempt at our cotton candy cookies again for Women's Bible Study today.  (Still working out those bugs it seems.)  She got herself ready for dance class and they kiddos at a snack.  Daddy was gone before we knew it and we got ready and headed out for Joy's dance class.  I took her into class, then headed out to run an errand with my Micah Boo.  On our drive back, the lab called.  They asked all of the usual questions and then told me my INR was 3.6.  Yes, that's right. 3.6  After 3 weeks of under my goal range (or therapeutic), it was now over! The clinical pharmacist told me not to worry, that is was better high than low, since low promotes clotting and I have a clotting disorder. She gave me my doses for the week and asked me to do my next blood draw next Thursday. 

What a day!   But it didn't end there. As most of you know, I am praying fervently for my dear friend whose pregnancy has taken a turn towards some troubles.  At 22.5 weeks she has no amniotic fluid left.  Last I heard, baby's kidneys were also still small. Her doctor looked into a rare procedure as a possibility to help her but found out it would likely put her in labor which is not good at this stage.  She said her best chances are to get to at least 24 weeks at this point.  So 10 more days? No contractions as of yet but she is getting painful movements as baby grows with no fluid in the sac.  At 24 weeks, there is a chance the baby may be able to make it.  So miracle of miracles, we are praying!  God has a plan & I continue to pray for her.  Please continue to pray with me. 

After all of that, I was busy trying to keep things updated & done.  Hubby came home a few minutes early.  We took some time together before heading to bed.  The kids slept pretty well too. I prepared for today, a day filled with its own "adventure" but much calmer.  Today is David's 1st of 3 back-to-back days between the Round Tables here in town.  He just started his 2nd shift and should be home around 11.  I miss him.  But I am thankful, oh so thankful for where God is leading us.  So keep the prayers coming & the praises lifted high.  God is so very good to us!

That's all for now..
*Melis*

Blessed but not depressed...

730 days of praise... If you've seen my Facebook, then you know I have challenged myself to praise God for something new every single day for 2 years straight.  Why? Because I am blessed! I did it for a year & it wasn't that hard.  This year has been especially challenging for myself & my family but I can't help thanking God for all that He has done in spite of everything that has gone "wrong."  So, for this blog I've decided to list some of the things I am thankful for & see where it ends up.  Some you may have seen already; some you may see down the line.  All are things I am currently thankful for.

1. My hubby ~ Duh!  How blessed am I to be married to this guy? We've been married for a little over 6 years but he's been my friend for over 16 years!! He is NOT who I thought God had for me back then but I am so completely thrilled God gave me this handsome man & allowed me to see past the surface & see what a gem this wonderful man is!!

2. My church friends ~ Some of these ladies are truly some of my BEST friends.  I have known them all for a year, give or take some but they are blessings beyond blessings to me!  They inspire me to be a better me with God by my side.  They are often the ones to build me up when I need the encouragement but also challenge me.  They remind me what a great church this is & that true, wonderful friends really are out there if you are paying attention.

3. My church ~ Cedar Grove Community Church in Livermore is just the right place for my family!  We have been there about 15 months now & as long as God keeps us there we will be more than willing!  We have quite a few couples we consider our friends & well as individual relationships we have each formed. The pastors are on point, clearly speaking what is on each of their hearts. It doesn't just tick off all of the boxes, it fits us.  And for that, we will be forever thankful!

4. My siblings ~ We may not all have the closest relationships but I can tell you I am glad we all are still willing to talk, even "all grown up." Life has taken us different places but I am glad that I had you 3 along the way to make life interesting & help me not be so bored!

5. My Facebook infant loss group ~ I've been a member for only a short time but these girls know how to encourage!  2 miscarriages in such a short time is not an easy thing to stomach, much less move on from.  These girls will listen to anything relating to my loss, my struggles with my PE, my frustrations with something someone said or did... as well as I get to be helpful & prayerful for them as well!

6. My "puppy" ~ Abby puts up with a lot & she deserves more cuddles than she is given.  Thankful I have her & hoping I will find more time to spend with her in the future (& give her baths ;) ~ lol)

7. My Micah Boo ~ Such a smiley boy, this little guy bumps into everything, falls off of things, survives his sister & still has a smile on his face at the end of the day!  He may not like clothes or being clean & he may have no shame... hehehe but he eats everything you put in front of him & he is by far, the best cuddler in the world!

8. My Joy Joy ~ Wow, I have a kindergartener!  She is beautiful, smart, sweet, caring, looking out so often for her brother, keeping him busy when Mommy needs to get something done, loving school, loving baths, learning how to do so many new things like brush her teeth, wash her hair, write her letters- printing & cursive, memorizing verses & poems... And it goes on.  I am so proud to be Joy Joy's mommy.  There is not another one like her in the world!

9. Sleep ~ This one is funny because I don't get much these days. However, when I do, I am usually OUT!  I am thankful to sleep when I can & enjoy cuddling with my Boo when he needs me.  

10. My Jesus ~ Who can forget Him?  He is not last here because He is last in my heart.  He is last to emphasize His importance & place in my heart!  God has been so so good to us over this rough year so far, doing so much to save us & love us & show us how to love others!!!

There is so much more to be thankful for but my body is DONE for the day & both of my kids have been asleep for a little while.  I will try & type up a part two of this one soon.  

That's all for now...
*Melis*

Happy, Sleepy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Bashful and Doc

Sneezy... Not so much lately.  Pleasantly surprised though because of where I live.
Dopey... Nope, thank you very much...
Bashful... Hardly, but I definitely have my moments!
Doc... Well I saw my hematologist recently. Does that count?
Happy... I have been praising the Lord for all He has been doing in our lives lately!
Sleepy... Just about always.  My eyes are pretty much done for tonight...
And finally.... Grumpy... Sorry world! This has been my day-ish...

Woke up, was doing okay but that changed when I hit traffic.  I have made it a habit to double check the best way to go whenever I need to head towards Livermore.  Today, I did.  Unfortunately, I somehow missed the diversion off of the freeway (an exit I have never taken) to avoid was was essentially 15 minutes to travel less than a mile to the next nearest exit to get to Bible Study. I went from 10 minutes early to 10 minutes late JUST LIKE THAT! 

Sigh...  I knew it wasn't that big of a deal.  Then it was the 2 close friends missing Bible Study today (for very good reasons). Then it was another good friend leaving early...  Then it was my kids melting down and/or clinging to me as they were clearly overtired during and following a play date, doing Joy's homeschool work, struggling to keep her focused towards the end. Ultimately, it really wasn't likely about any of the above.  I was grumpy because the past few days I have relived my losses over and over.  From David mentioning those children had so much potential as he started to grieve to grieving and praying fervently for my good friend who is being told her baby won't make it.  I just keep reliving it.  I told several leaders at Bible Study about my friend, passing along the word to gain the prayer.  I hurt. I am tired.  And it surely isn't over. It never will be.  I whimpered as a friend said the doctor doesn't know why she has experienced multiple losses of her own.  I cried inside hearing of another woman losing her baby as we speak.  My heart hurts. I never knew this pain could strike to fast and so hard, just hoping, praying and grieving for others' losses as well.  It really Never Ends... It stays put in the back of your mind for awhile but it comes back to the forefront sometimes on the worst days, at the worst possible tines. 

I will continue to love you my Sweet Little One & Squirt. I can only imagine how you must be enjoying Heaven. I look forward to being reunited one day For now, I will continue to pray and rest my hope in the Lord... and pray Grumpy stays home tomorrow.

*Melis*

My heart breaks!!!

My heart breaks as I hear news of a good friend finding out bad news.  She is dealing with potentially losing her baby.  She is 20 weeks.  She went for her anatomy scan yesterday and they saw an odd fluid-filled sac. Today, she went back for a 3d ultrasound.  They couldn't tell her much but told her the fluid levels were low and the kidneys were really small.  She was told baby won't make it... either to birth or this little one will die shortly after!  A genetic specialist even told her to terminate! What news! When I saw my dear friend just 2 weeks ago, everything had been going well. She had been eating well, taking care of herself and her doctor was happy with how everything was.  I can't even imagine getting that far and being told to say goodbye...

As someone who has lost 2 babies in the 2nd trimester, I know the losses are not easy, as if any loss really is.  BUT to be told something is wrong and if you see your baby, you'll be saying goodbye?  My heart.... hurts... BADLY!!!

So please join with me in prayer for a MIRACLE!  God can do all things.... ANYTHING!  I believe God has a greater plan in all of this but I HOPE & PRAY it won't end in sorrow.  Miracles DO happen EVERY single day.  So, please pray!  I know she will appreciate every word lifted up to our Jesus for her and her baby.  

Thanks...
That's all for now,
*Melis*