"I'm sorry. There's no heartbeat."
There are no words to express exactly what flooded my mind or heart right then. But there was hurt and confusion and the realization that I was one of them, those women who would have a baby pass in my womb with no warning whatsoever. What followed was a bit of a blur. There was a hospital visit, pain, crying, waiting and phone calls... and a lot of wondering.
But still, only months after that horrible news we were pregnant again. And just before Mother's Day. We were ecstatic but cautious. We were given the impression this happens to people, families... Even my doctor seemed confident. Until that day in July when we received the news yet again, This time I insisted on an immediate ultrasound and attention. And we were there again. My doctor was to be out of town for the following 2 weeks but assured me we would run tests, check in etc. when he was back, He did not however seem confident this would yield any results but maybe...
5 days later I was recovering when I had the absolute worst pain my chest I had ever had in my life. I just could not catch a breath. Hubby insisted we go to the hospital. Three and a half hours after entering the ER, I was finally seen. Two hours later I was informed that I had a pulmonary embolism and would be admitted... on our wedding anniversary. Hubby was in shock and my kids were not happy Mommy was not coming home. I had a strange feeling of relief and sadness all mixed in.
But while there I was enlightened. I had a clotting disorder called Factor V Leiden. It was most likely the reason my babies only made it to 13-14 & 15 weeks since that is around when the placenta was taking over. My blood just kept clotting and they couldn't get what they needed. And I was released four days later on Lovenox and Coumadin. I was able to stop Lovenox is less than 2 weeks. For the next 6 months, I took Coumadin daily to shrink and ultimately get rid of the clot in my lungs. Additionally, I had blood draw after blood draw, sometimes 3 times a week just to get my INR in the therapeutic range. I was also on Norco for pain. I thought this would be short lived but soon learned that the pain never would fully go away until the clot did. I rarely knew why some weeks were so much harder but I trusted that this part of the journey would likely be short term in the grand scheme of things. These things were just apart of it. Ultimately, I needed to accept that.
Well, it did pass. What started on a day that was so celebratory ended on a day that truly was celebratory, my Daddy's birthday. I was given the all clear. There was no clot and I could go off of the Coumadin for good as long as no blood clot emerged again. I was instructed by my hematologist to start on aspirin and ultimately stay on it for life. He also reminded us that we likely could have a baby again but would need to switch to Lovenox for the duration. We agreed... and I felt a sense of relief. Suddenly life was about more than surviving. It took me some time but I ultimately fell into a rhythm, started P90X3 and really started learning about what it was going to take to be healthy again. I could not focus solely on having a baby but needed to see the bigger picture for my family.
I lost 25 lbs during the next 6 months. Shortly after being cleared by my doctor, I signed up as a Beachbody Coach and then sat back and watched and took it all in. By summer of 2014, I was not only a healthy weight but I was running again, swimming again and all around feeling great. I had found my love of being healthy for not just my family but for me. I was less dependent on others for my own happiness. And then the miracle happened...
We found out we were pregnant. We were thrilled but scared out of our minds. This was the ultimate test, We saw our hopes wrapped up in this rainbow baby. For the first 16 weeks of my pregnancy, I was practically a shell again. I was nervous and teary and exhausted too. I threw up frequently. I was sore early on and there were days I could barely get out of bed. Each ultrasound David and I attended together pensive but hoping. And when we saw her at 16 weeks moving up a storm, something clicked again.
I was reminded that this beautiful rainbow baby girl was not our only miracle. Given my clotting disorder, both Joy and Micah are miracles as well. And all of that time we spent surviving the near-death experience and loss of our two angels was worth it, even if the pain was horrific. You see, I did not start working out for fun. (Seriously?) I did not join Beachbody as a coach to just bring in money (although the prospect of it doesn't hurt). I started doing all of this because I wanted to honor the memory of my babies, Squirt and Little One. I wanted to be the healthy, fit mommy for my children that are here. I wanted to be the independent, silly, fun-spirited girl my husband met in middle school and ultimately fell for in college. I wanted life again. I wanted to live my calling. If wanted to honor God with everything I did. I did not want to be a shell or a piece of anything... I wanted to be GENUINE... and real.
This is why I became a Beachbody coach. I have an amazing team I am apart of and I hope to be able to bring some of you on with me. I don't think I ever saw myself as special or unique. I was "normal" if you can say that, even average. My goals are so huge now and I am determined to make some things happen this year. So as far as this year... I am going to LIVE ~ INTENTIONALly & GENUINE. I want to help get David home more this year as well and move out of this apartment. This is what I know so far. If you have any questions or want to know more, feel free to comment or message me, or click on that cool new bar at the top of this blog ;-) I am starting a new group this Monday, January 5th to help start fresh, stop looking back and move forward. I am here to just chat too :-D That's all for now.
As always,
Melis
P.S. If you are counting, we are now about 3.5 months left until baby girl is due! And there are some updates coming on her and our plans in the next week or so... stay tuned!
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