This is the 1st day of the rest of my life...

Okay, so I know we've all had our moments, our transitions, our times when we realized how different things could be now, often good and often bad but as cliche as it may seem, today really is the 1st day of this next season, a day when everything starts to change & I get to find out what my body is made of, really made of.  One thing I learned on Coumadin is that my body needed help, help to function, help to heal.  However, Coumadin was very likely also the reason I was so worn, tired & fatigued regularly. Even as I recently ventured into working out & eating on the newer P90X3 plan, I would get a slight boost of energy, only to be worn a few hours later.  My body had changed and I knew somehow, that no matter what meds I was on, some things would never be the same.

However, taking that all into account, I no longer need to be on Coumadin.  My doctor emphatically and comfidently review my history & scan results and prescribed Aspirin for the rest of my life, just one a day.  Now, say what you want but when you have a large pulmonary embolism at 28, you don't question your doctor's orders, the doctor that got you safely through 6 months of he**! (At least I don't.) I hated being on Coumadin and after all of those blood draws, my poor arms had so much scar tissue.  The poor lab techs worked harder than ever and I am glad to be free of that frustration.

Today, I get to celebrate continuing through transition week (week 4) of my journey on P90X3.  I get to see as time goes by if being off Coumadin is really going to help my energy nd my general "feeling" of quality of life.  I am so very thankful for all of the doctors, nurses, clinical pharmacists, PAs and the rest for all of their hard work, kind words & friendly bedside manor. They made this experience less painful, more bearable.  I also feel so blessed as we enter this new season to have had so so many friends and family praying for us through 2013, especially these last 6 months.  That was very apparent on Facebook last night and I genuinely won't forget it.

It's been a long year, a long 6 months... This is the 1ST day of the REST of my LIFE!!!

<3Melis

Write, Write, Write

A little while back, I got some interesting advice,  My Dad had heard I'd been blogging through all the hard times.  He encouraged me, telling me some of the best advice he'd ever gotten was to write & write & write, to write something everyday, whether short, long, serious, funny, whatever.  Well I haven't done too well at that, even though thoughts swirl through my head ALL day long, as I am sure most women can attest to.  So this post is just to write, to share a little, to tell you what's been on my mind. No need to patronize me but if you're interested, go ahead and read because I think my Daddy's advice was good & I want to keep writing...

Anyone else going to miss the Olympics because they don't have cable or satellite? When I finally gave in to ditching cable to save money, it didn't occur to me I would miss them. Seriously, swirling thoughts constantly going through my head & it somehow didn't occur to me until a week ago. It is not that I don't love saving the money (because we really need to) but I love the Olympics, winter & summer versions alike. I have always associated them with positive things.  Joy was born only a couple months before the Summer of 2008 ones. Micah was born about 6 months before the Summer 2012 ones.  And Squirt was due 7-8 months ago, Little One was due less than a month ago, so naturally I see a lot of happy things, as I sit nursing or thought I would be, as in the most recent cases.

Another thing that has been traveling though my mind is the fact that I am not the same person I was a year ago, or even 7 months ago... I mean, I know we can all say that to a point... but here's where I am going.  When I first found out about the baby loss community online, I remember reading how you are never the same when you lose a child.  I am sure most who have been down this round understand what I mean. We lost 2, both in the 2nd trimester. Again, I was hurt & I knew we could never go back and change the past, that emotionally, David & I were different people, apart & together & that we would need to learn how to BE us, having lost 2 precious babies.  But I am going beyond that.  When we discovered the night of our anniversary in the Emergency Room that I had a pulmonary embolism, all we were concerned with was getting me through that period of time, getting me out of the hospital for good, traversing the 6 months, hopefully going off the Coumadin & moving on, trying to find out how to continue to be a couple, a family & prayerfully grow it.  Only a week or two ago, I was reminded of my humanity once again.  I just had my 6 months scans. I have my results delivered Friday, my Daddy's birthday, in a hematology appt.  If the results are great, there are more steps, as in getting off of this medicine, on to a lesser one, and getting the full workup done to hopefully, confirm, deny or find out more about what happened, how I lost those babies and what can be done for me & for our (hopefully) growing family down the line... But as I have realized, closing this particular chapter doesn't mean going back to before the pulmonary embolism.  I will always need to be aware that I could develop a blood clot, or my kids could. When they hit, one often has a short amount amount of time to respond before it can cause serious harm (understatement alert).  Also, I started working out a few weeks ago.  When I used to workout, I would get huge bursts of energy, often getting me through almost the entire day.  Now, one workout gives me at most a few hours of energy.  Yes, I feel better. Yes, I tend to have more color in my face, a little more motivation in my day etc. But I am not the same energetic, bouncy person, at least not to the obvious point.  Last year was hard emotionally & physically.  And while I don't blame God for any of it, (I am not even angry) I am aware I am a different person to a degree.  There isn't anything wrong with that in and of itself.  David & I have become much closer & stronger together (although I know we still have our things to work on). These last 6 months have given me a lot to think about.  And, there is always the chance my scans will not come back clean enough to proceed forward.  Only God knows what happened during these 6 months. I haven't had a scan since a week after admittance in the ER.

I'm looking forward to sharing with you all more this year as there will be more challenges, transitions & the like this year. As most of you know by now, our word for the year is Contentment. Personally, I have decided to challenge myself by adding a word for myself each month to focus on.  Last month, I called "Kickstart Contentment." I needed to remind myself not to get complacent.  This is a new year & I need to not be lazy.  So, I  refreshed my zeal by committing to an online vendor faire & established my presence on FB with Pampered Chef (see link at bottom if you are interested).  I also convinced David to purchase P90X3, only 30 minutes a day but still a good focus on eating right.  I almost quite day 3 but I am still going strong 2.5 weeks in because of my best friend being the greatest support ever, my friend at church coaching me on & other good friends encouragement in the way I look & act.  So this year is going to be different. This month of February for me is going to be about Contented Focus. I need to stop letting my crazy brain keep me from starting & finishing things. I need to let other things go & not just be at church & Bible Study but BE there present & soaking it all in.

I know my wording is a little funny tonight. I ran out of pronouns & other choices for words.  To be honest, I just need to get my oldest in bed before it gets too late & she needs her sheets on her bed (which I didn't realize).  So, let me know how you like this idea. Some days I will have 5 words, other 5 pages (haha) but I am going to at least try to write 3-4 days a week again, Share with me any thoughts you have.   I have some more topics to explore but I need to have a few discussions & do some research.  I will keep you posted as long as you keep me updated, okay?

As always,
<3Melissa

And if you are at all interested in placing an order with Pampered Chef OR just supporting me by liking my new FB page, head on over to Pampered Chef: Melissa N. Voeltz. It's about time I start trying to make this business work so I can help my family out more! As I say frequently over there & to others regarding it ~ I bake. I cook. I love life. I’ll plan your show or help you host your own! This is the life...  

6 month mark!

I honestly can't believe I just passed the 6 month mark!  On July 28th, our 6th wedding anniversary I was diagnosed with a large pulmonary embolism.  This was only 5 days after our second miscarriage of the year. I couldn't believe it & honestly had no idea what would be next. At the follow up appointments with my hematologist, I learned that I would need to stay on my Coumadin for 6 months, even though 3-4 months was a more likely time frame in which I would be healed up enough. He said he did it to make sure.  Well 6 months couldn't come soon enough but I finally had my scans... yesterday!  I had an ultrasound on my legs & a CT of my chest.  And on Friday, February 7th I get the results!  I am beyond excited and nervous.  If all is clear, I get to go off the Coumadin & on to baby aspirin & get a FULL workup done, hopefully giving us more clear answers as to what happened. 

As excited as I am, a part of me remains hesitant.  These past 6 months have given me a lot of extra "smaller" hurdles: 3-5 yeast infections, a UTI, several colds, a sinus infection, a mysterious wrist injury, multiple drops in my INR that took some time to fix, TONS of blood draws, sharp mysterious pain, unusual cycles, several ER visits, a few GP visits, medication, medication & often even more medication.  But after 6 months, I am starting to see more about what people mean, when they say you can never go back.  I am not the same person I was before all of this happened. Physically, I have to work harder to get my energy; I can't just go out for a run and expect it all to come back to me. I am learning that through baby steps, I can still be relatively healthy & that small boosts of energy are totally just as important as big hurdles reached. Emotionally, I will never be the same either & I think it will be a long time before David looks at me without genuine concern when I tell him something hurts or I need to see a doctor. We've carefully navigated over egg shells for some time & while the pain has mostly subsided, we know we cannot erase the past, nor should we try.  We've become a stronger pair this year, a stronger team.  And whatever the results may be, that is something I definitely would never want to take back!

That's all for now..
<3Melissa

We made it!

Hi All!
  
Thank you all for the prayers our way. We made it through the weekend alive ;-) Feeling encouraged as I have a workout plan I hope to be starting Friday (already put off twice for different issues that came up).  I would ask you continue to pray for us.  My health is still a concern. Even though we are SO close to the scans, things keep coming up that give us reason to pray even more. Also, it seems we may be heading into a time of transition. A lot is going on in our minds & hearts and we really have no idea where God is leading. Please pray for guidance & calm.  David & I are more united than ever before but we are only human & really don't know where God is leading or if He wants us to just stay right where we are.  We are still learning about contentment & are trying to narrow in what it means for us as a family, notably in different arenas of our lives.

Just a quick one today.
Thanks again for all of the support.
More comprehensive blog coming in the next week I hope.

Your Friend,
Melis

Bittersweetness...

I don't envy the person that goes through this... the couple that goes through this... the family that goes through this... I wouldn't wish it for anyone.

1 year ago, today we found out our little Squirt had passed. What we didn't know is that "delivering" baby Squirt would be just the beginning.  Just shy of 17 weeks, we found out that day... one year ago that our baby had stopped growing between 13-14 weeks and no longer had a heartbeat... likely around Christmas.

What few people know is that my doctor's wife, the midwife at the practice showed up just in time to deliver Squirt & asked me if I wanted to see who this treasure was that we had lost.  I declined. There are days I wish I had chosen differently but with my hubby & kiddos in the next room,  I wanted to start to move on.

There's nothing like losing a baby to bring up every fear in the world.  It was that loss that led us to declare it our "Year of Faith," a year that will likely to ever live in our minds.

Please keep us in your prayers. Sunday is another hard day ahead of us.

We miss you, Squirt on your 1st angelversary.  Keep Little One close, okay?

What a day...
*Melis*

Bring it on?

What a year!  I have to admit I am kind of relieved to be saying goodbye to 2013. This has easily been our hardest year to date.  We started out our year officially losing baby Squirt on January 10th which prompted me declaring it "Our Year of Faith." A few months followed & one month into my P90X journey, we discovered I was pregnant again.  I evolved to not miss a beat. I joined a "Rainbow" group on FB, took pics every week from 5 weeks on, faithfully made every appt, even hosting a thank you for close friends, as well as planning my gender reveal party. At 15w2d there we were again. No htbt. Baby was gone. That was July 23rd. July 28th,  our 6th wedding anniversary I was admitted with what was referred to as a very large pulmonary embolism. I was released on blood thinners August 1st.

I was determined to try and fight through it all, not letting it get me down, blogging frequently & trying to focus on my family.  That was follows up with 5 back-t-back 2 week or so periods & 3-4 yeast infection s. Once my INR stabilized,  I could finally start to see the light at the end of this p see et of our journey.

And then December hit. 3 ER visits diagnosing some unknown issue with my wrist (bruise without contact of anything and initially very painful), a sinus infection & a UTI, only to be hit with a sore throat and more cold symptoms only a few days ago. I am exhausted but I think, finally on the mend.

2013 has been all about faith & God has definitely stretched us, Himself proving faithful to us through it all. 2014 holds some tough dates out the gate with January 10th being Squirt's 1st angelversary & January 12th bring Little One's former due date. But this year, we look forward to exploring & growing in anlther way. We don't know why this year was so hard, nor why some things stayed stagnant & others only got worse. 

As I lay here cuddling my little boy, I want to share our goal for 2014. ~ Contentment. We don't know what this next year holds but I am glad it is just around the corner. I hope you will consider a challenge yourself. My hubby and I are closer than ever to each other, our kiddos & to our Lord Jesus. Hard as it was,  I can hope God fulfilled some of His Will through our struggles. I trust God has big things in store going forward.  Having said all that...

2014... Bring It On!!!

*Melis*

Voeltz Family Update

A month & a half ago I posted & not again... 

~It sure feels like a lot longer than that.  To be honest, I just didn't know what to say.  As hard as this year has been, these past couple of months have been the most emotional for me.  I feel like the ups & downs are apart of my life now.  I am used to tears, mood swings & settling in for my evenings of irritability.  Micah lately has begun sleeping even worse. He's more stubborn & I'm more sensitive but together we cuddle so well.  I've been told over & over to let myself grieve, let myself have bad days, to be okay with a little bit done at a time but it doesn't stop the guilt some days.  I want to do more, be a better mom, wife, friend... I've found myself spending more time at home, less time online, finding things like baking & craft projects to focus on.  I try to regularly post thankfulness on Facebook & stay aware of who I am now & not try to be anyone else.  David's schedule has regulated recently for the time being & he recently got a small raise that doesn't get us out of the woods but it helps some nonetheless.  I often go to bed early & the other nights I stay awake waiting for my David to come home for that hug & chat before sleeping.  My pain levels have dropped quite a bit & my "womanly" issues since the summer have finally started to improve.  After a lot of time staying home, I  have recently started to organize a play date here & there, a walk or a meet up with a friend as time & sensitivity allows.  Life isn't easy & I guess I just wasn't ready to tell you all that, that months later, I am struggling emotionally more than ever.  As we head towards the New Year, David & I dread our Squirt's first angelversary & our Little One's original due date, just 2 days apart towards the middle of January.  I've spent a lot of time focusing on the holidays, projects & anything that will help me through the day to be a better mom to my kids.  David has been amazing.  Its amazing how far our marriage has come in the 6+ years.  Just the other day, he said all of the right things & knew when to hold me & how to get us through our morning & out the door in time.  My parents have been marvelous too as I have spent many a Sunday this fall at their place dealing with the stresses, emotions, & side effects of medications. I'm looking forward to returning to Home Front with David after the New Year & also glad Bible Study will return as well.  Just today, a friend & I set up a standing play date.  Looking forward to having that time with her while our kiddos play.  We said goodbye to one of our vehicles recently.  David was hit at a stoplight & the insurance company deemed it a total loss.  We've got some decisions to make.  So ups, downs... they're normal~

How can you pray for us?  Pray we can set me up with regular counseling to help healing & processing for me.  Pray for continued stability in David's schedule & that it won't be too long before the promotion & next raise.  Pray for David's & my emotional health. This year of Faith has tested us through & through & there are days we feel like we are constantly running for cover. Please pray for our kiddos as well.  It can't be easy walking on egg shells around Mommy & Daddy.  Please pray as we approach 6 months of pulmonary embolism medicine at the end of January.  If all is clear then, I will be pulled off of the medicine, put on aspirin for a little bit & able to have a full workup done, hopefully for more answers for us. 

Some praises?  Joy absolutely loves school.  We are very thankful for TVCCA & Mrs. Beasley. Thank God David wasn't hurt in the accident,  Considering his ongoing back problems, we are glad nothing got worse.  We are thankful my pain levels have dropped. We are blessed with amazing friends that have showered us with love & prayers during this very difficult year.

We appreciate all of the support.  Hopefully I will be blogging again more these days.
As always,
Melissa