God Bless,
Melis
Monday, May 23, 2016
Time to breach my comfort zone...
When I promised to write and write again, I will admit, it was a little harder than I expected. When life gets hard, I tend to clam up. And when it gets harder than I expected, I tend to shut down. You see, last summer my family moved for what we thought was the job opportunity that would change everything for us, especially for my husband. All seemed to be going well enough.. until this past February when my husband was told to fix things in the next six weeks or face demotion or loss of job completely. Unfortunately, no specific goals were given so my sweet hubby did everything he could. And at the end of the day, we thought he had done it... but the "big boss" did nor agree. So for the next six weeks, we went from just holding on financially, to half of that and sinking hard. We had some help but ultimately did not see how we could go on. However, after 6 weeks after being demoted, he was repromoted... sort of in a training capacity, with less pay, lacking a benefit and a bit more gas in the tank to get to and from work. Of course by now, the new-to-us 2nd car had proved to be a disaster and is now days to weeks from leading us back to a 1 car life... So, I decided to take a chance. I started looking for anything I could do from home with three kiddos all summer without a vehicle most days. I looked into surveys and mystery shopping. I researched what I could do with my own skills. I dabbled and truthfully am keeping some on the back burner just in case. But we needed more, so I took a leap... and I am determined to breach my comfort zone more than I ever have because I truly believe this is the solution to our problems... We will see if it pays off. I am betting it will. If you want to know more, contact me. I am just a button and a few words away.
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Hugs & Sparkles!!!
Has it been as long as I think it has? Almost a year ago, my emotions got the best of me and I took a step back from this blog and just kept to myself, my closest friends and my family. Suddenly, the realization that my sweet rainbow baby was only 2 months or so from arriving was hitting home. I was in the home stretch and I was struggling to handle it... at least publicly. So I slid back and focused on my little world...
On April 7th, 2015, Emily Grace Voeltz was born. My rainbow, God's promise to me and our family had arrived. At 7 lbs 14 oz and 20.5 in long, she was right in the middle of what her siblings were born at, both in weight and length. My Rainbow... was and still is beautiful! Now, she is our most physically active at this age. She has been crawling for months and recently has become very good at standing. She loves saying "Dadda" and has the same love for life her siblings did at this age. She is probably the most "high maintenance," requiring her "Dadda" to pick her up within seconds of walking in the door after work each day. She took awhile to warm up to anyone outside of our immediate family and even now, usually requires Mommy or Daddy to be with her. She absolutely loves her Micah Boo and Joy Joy and seems incredibly content with the noise our busy household brings each day. I say she is built more like me than David and we are still waiting to see if she will be a blondie or a redhead or a strawberry blonde mix. She loves to eat... anything and everything!
Anywho... I am back. I am making no promises to blog at a certain time or a certain amount, just that I will try to blog as I feel led and am able to. So, here's to a new year, a new start, a new blog name, and lots of fun, right?
As always,
Melis <3
On April 7th, 2015, Emily Grace Voeltz was born. My rainbow, God's promise to me and our family had arrived. At 7 lbs 14 oz and 20.5 in long, she was right in the middle of what her siblings were born at, both in weight and length. My Rainbow... was and still is beautiful! Now, she is our most physically active at this age. She has been crawling for months and recently has become very good at standing. She loves saying "Dadda" and has the same love for life her siblings did at this age. She is probably the most "high maintenance," requiring her "Dadda" to pick her up within seconds of walking in the door after work each day. She took awhile to warm up to anyone outside of our immediate family and even now, usually requires Mommy or Daddy to be with her. She absolutely loves her Micah Boo and Joy Joy and seems incredibly content with the noise our busy household brings each day. I say she is built more like me than David and we are still waiting to see if she will be a blondie or a redhead or a strawberry blonde mix. She loves to eat... anything and everything!
Anywho... I am back. I am making no promises to blog at a certain time or a certain amount, just that I will try to blog as I feel led and am able to. So, here's to a new year, a new start, a new blog name, and lots of fun, right?
As always,
Melis <3
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
30 Weeks Preggo!
Hi Friends! Since my long 100th post, we had a family day we promised the kiddos yesterday. It was great to get out at least once as a family for a day before the latest princess enters our lives! The highlight for Micah was probably the Fry's Electronics with the train theme. There was a trains sticking outside of the building as well as more inside with the walls continuing. It was amazing! I was definitely impressed. Joy got to go to a Disney Store with a pretty cool mirror in there. I didn't quite understand it but she had a wand and there were pictures coming up on it. She was in awe. Definitely the most interactive one I can remember. I picked up my Boppy and Baby Girl got a glittery sweater & bright pink "genius" onesie. And of course we did a throwback memory to Marie Callender's & had dinner at our newest favorite, Chick-fil-A. These are all things that usually would take weeks or months to accomplish in our family but we enjoyed our time together.
Today I woke up with a definite sinus infection. Please pray for me as its been hard being sick at all pregnant. I am still keeping my walking commitment though. 2.32 miles today. Plenty more to go! David promised we can finally order Shakeology again next week as well. ~Relieved and excited~
And of course, today marks 30 weeks pregnant! Definitely feeling the discomforts of less sleep and a growing baby but I am committed to staying as active as I can walking for the duration! She'll be here before we know it!
That's all for now...
As always,
Melis
Sunday, February 1, 2015
O-N-E H-U-N-D-R-E-D
When I started this blog, I was a few months into grieving the loss of my first angel...
my third child...
My intent was to share with other women that they were not alone...
I wanted other people to know that miscarriage, still birth, and baby loss happens...
that it is real, and there are women who go through it... often twice, three times, or more...
I wanted my words to possibly help even one woman know that she was not the only one..
and that there are support groups...
and organizations...
and people who can help...
and who care...
I did not know at the time, however what was ahead of me in that year...
the year we first chose a family word...
FAITH...
David warned me. He told me that word was like setting ourselves up...
I knew... God would do what God would do and He would allow what He would allow...
This was our chance to step out and say we trusted Him, that we had FAITH. He agreed.
Well, as many of you now know, that word clearly defined our year that unfolded in front of us. Two thousand thirteen was a year full of challenges... and not small ones. Just before Mother's Day, we discovered we were pregnant again. We were thrilled and a bit nervous, but mostly excited. We kept it mostly to ourselves, telling only a handful of people. We found out at fifteen weeks we had lost another baby... Five days later, I was diagnosed at the age of twenty-eight, on our sixth wedding anniversary with a pulmonary embolism, a large clot in my lungs. Over the next four days in the hospital, I learned I had an inherited clotting disorder that was likely the source of ALL of this.
The following six months were all about getting better. I had my blood drawn so frequently, I made friends with two of the ladies who worked there, to the point where I would not go to any other lab... ever. I was constantly adjusting my medication to align with my INR levels from those blood draws. Meanwhile, I was still in a lot of pain most days, so I was on pain medication for it. When the time came for my scan and then my six month follow up, I was nervous but so excited. On my Daddy's birthday, I found out I was free of Coumadin and the pain was gone. I no longer needed the pain medication either and I had no side effects. I felt like I got a huge present on my Daddy's birthday. It felt freeing...
It was around this time I finally started to feel well enough to take better care of myself. Someone I knew from church posted about P90X3. I had already had some past success with P90X and I loved the idea that I only needed to work out thirty minutes a day with this one. A month in, I was hooked and a month after that, I was signed up as a Beachbody coach. I was on board, excited and I was changing my life. I was losing weight, building muscle I did not know I had and I was seeing a future. I was seeing a chance for life after multiple losses and a pulmonary embolism. I was living a life on aspirin but that was not going to define me. I was going to get healthier, fitter and be more in control of my own life, and I was going to take my family along for the ride... because if anyone deserved it, they did. David had seen me at my worst. He had not only stuck by me but he had supported me, encouraged me and seen to the kids needs whenever I could not. My kids never saw me different it seemed either. They loved on me and knew I was not whole somehow but they cared and wanted me anyway. My family needed this. So I was going to make these changes for them.
Something interesting happens when you immerse yourself in something... it changes you. It takes you to on an adventure that you cannot predict. You think you are in control but each of those decisions takes you somewhere else. Yes, I wanted to lose weight but I was learning that with that weight loss, I was getting stronger, and not just physically (which was pretty awesome on its own, let's be honest) but I was starting to think more for myself. I was not depending on David for as much. I was starting to do activities I enjoyed again. I was cooking, baking, running, swimming, writing more... I was making decisions firmly again; I was not waffling so much. I was building confidence back that I once had but it was different this time. It was ALL different this time...
It sure seemed that way. I was twenty-five lbs down, I was working out six days a week. I was eating better than I had ever before. I was working out at least an hour each day and I was setting goals and challenges and not letting injuries or other obstacles stop me. They were aiding me, teaching me more about myself and who I was, who I could be. I liked it. I was ready to crush more programs and goals and take on the world! Truthfully, I felt like my own version of Wonder Woman. I knew who I was and no matter what happened next, I was confident I could handle it; David and I could handle it. We were equipped, prepared and in control. Good news or bad news, the world was ours.
And then we found out we were pregnant... We had just celebrated our seventh wedding anniversary. We were less than a month out from Joy starting first grade. David had just received a promotion at work and our sweet kiddos seemed genuinely happy. No one had been sick in months. I tell you the honest truth, I froze...
Since the moment my hematologist cleared me of my pulmonary embolism, I was ecstatic, not just because I was healed... but because I wanted so badly to have my baby... my rainbow baby... the one that fulfilled the promise that we were able to still have kiddos, the one that meant my hematologist was right and we now not only had a reason for my losses and six additional months "out of commission" but for a solution to it as well. In theory, it all made sense and it seemed great....
Reality is cruel some days. For so long, you just pray and imagine and wonder what it will be like one day to have your greatest dream come true and when you are on the brink of it, all of your worst fears and insecurities come rushing right back. And during the first sixteen weeks of my pregnancy (twelve since I found out), that is where I was. My blood pressure was higher, my days were quieter. I was more withdrawn. I initially excitedly told people, only to be reminded each day that anything was possible and we were not safe yet. Additionally, I had morning sickness like never before, as well as fatigue day in and day out. Parts of me physically hurt so much that I could not figure out how to even walk for exercise... me... the person who had thrived on and lived on and ingrained in myself this idea that exercise was a part of me...
A part of me... Fitness had become a piece of the person I saw myself to be long term, the person I was developing and becoming as an adult... as a mature, healthy, well-rounded adult... It was THAT important to me that I crumbled repeatedly at the thought of not showing that side of me... over and over and over again. I wanted so much to prove to women that you could be fit and pregnant. I wanted to be that woman who looked like she could take on the world, even when I was thwarted by pregnancy annoyances. After all, I had seen other women do it, read their posts and seen photos of what they were eating during pregnancy, how they were continuing their fitness regimen and how great it made them feel... and how much better their labor was because of it. And then I realized... I was jealous. I was jealous of the women who did not feel pregnancy the way I did this time around or at least did not appear to feel it the way I did.
Sixteen weeks arrived, and thanks to a sweet friend and a special at our ultrasound place, we got to see our princess, kicking around... with a heartbeat... I think that is when I finally let my breath out for the first time in this entire pregnancy. The daily injections of Lovenox were working. My body worked. My baby looked as healthy as her older brother and sister did. She was even measuring ahead by a week already (thanks to her father's genes, haha), just as her older siblings did at that point as well. She was the cutest baby we had seen in a very long time. And when we picked up Joy from school that day, she shrieked and turned around and told one of her teachers she was going to have a sister. My heart lit up like letters on a Wheel of Fortune board.
Over the next few weeks, I found strength and some energy and started to walk again. I was still sick as a dog most days but I was seeing the hope I had not seen for months. Just that picture of my newest little girl kicking made me smile. And not more than a week after we saw that ultrasound, I felt those first kicks, right on schedule, just like her older brother and sister. My back still hurt as well but I kept trying to stay positive as people reminded me over and over that she was fine, growing, even thriving... The closer I got to the New Year, the more hopeful I got, the more ecstatic I got. I started thinking about running new challenge groups, one right out of the gate in the New Year. A group of ladies committed to check in and get a health tip and talk about what it meant and apply it as able. It was simple and for 21 days, that is exactly what many did. It helped remind me of something I had forgotten...
We have seasons in life. Some of them are longer or shorter. Some are ridiculously fun. Some are more challenging. Some pass by without being noticed. Some contain combinations of challenges, fantastic news, and moments that pass us by. But the point is, seasons exist. And each season ultimately comes to an end, transitioning into another. I have often noticed they overlap as well in certain areas. Anytime when I am in one of my harder seasons, I remind myself that it will not last forever, no matter how long it may seem at the time. This is what we went through during our Year of Faith. And when the following year hit, our promise was to be content, no matter what. Considering that year had no huge hurdles, I think there were times we questioned if we were more faithful than content... And yet, she was conceived during this year, found to be a girl during this year, one growing and thriving inside of me like I had only dreamed...
I often think of two-thousand-fourteen as our transition year. We had it rough for a year, worked out some kinks and frustrations the following year and then we needed to make some serious decisions during two-thousand-fifteen. We wanted to leave the excuses behind us. No one would make us feel inferior. No one would determine whether or not we were happy or content ;-) No one else had the power over us. Only God was in control. We would be setting goals and making plans (to the best of our abilities). We would be embracing this year like no other. We would LIVE. I always make sure to emphasize (I hope) that this word is a verb, an action. It is NOT passive by any means. We would trust God. We would do what we could within His will. This included David's job, my working, our children, our living situation... absolutely everything...
So it may or may not surprise you to find out that one of those aspects of my life that I have struggled most with in recent weeks is confidence... I lack it. As I work on my business, I question myself constantly. I wonder if I am pressuring myself to the point of failure. I constantly question whether I am a good enough mother or not. My son did not get a good lunch. My daughter did not get much time with mommy today. Homework did not get finished. The house is still a complete mess, possibly worse when David walks in the door at night. There is a tantrum and not only do I not know how to stop it, I do not know what is causing it. I tell my kids to wait. One of them breaks something. I worry if I am eating enough. Will my baby be okay? It is a constant battle these days.
So in light of this constant struggle as of late, I decided to try an experiment... nothing fancy but with my thirtieth birthday approaching in the next few months, I decided to ask around thirty friends for a word that describes me, no other instructions included. Now some simply declined and some gave me multiple ones. Some gave me words that really made me think. Others repeated a word another had given me, some of which I did not expect to see even once. Now where am I going with this? It is about perspective. The people who know you best, the people who care about you... they do not see your flaws like you do. Now, they may be the ones to approach you if something really is off because they care but they do not sit there and complain about you constantly and anything that may be "wrong" with you. So, why do I? How is it even possible for me to LIVE when I am so focused on all of these negative aspects I see in myself, a human trying to do my best? It really is not possible to LIVE fully. So I decided to delve in and see how I was actually perceived...
Some of the words I have struggled with the most are strong, beautiful, and brave...
Why? Because I have fought against a perception that I feel weak most of my life, because I am a woman who does not often see the beauty in who she truly is unless I am feeling good, and because when life fell down around my family and I, I did what I thought I needed to do, never once seeing it as anything other than that.
A word that surprised me... enduring...
This goes along with the words, strong and brave, I struggle with it a little but like the perspective. I truly believe without God, we would be finished and I would be forever depressed in a hole. I do not believer I could endure life without His continual promises.
Some words that encourage me... compassionate, supportive, genuine...
I love to hear these kinds of words! I need to remember them! These are things I strive for on a regular basis so it is nice to see that I am emanating them to others.
"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." ~ Marilyn Monroe
I came across this quote and could not help but see it as incredibly meaningful for where I am now. It has been more than two years since we said goodbye to our first angel and there are days I still cry and mourn his loss. There are days where I still question God. And as far as we have come in our journey as a family, it still makes us sad. I have always found a way to explain to others that it has to be a part of something so much bigger but I have only been able to point to my best guess as to what that is. Perhaps, it was not just so I could share with you my journey and to help others but to help us see how important health is... and life. Without the passing of our dear Squirt, I would have never started this blog. I might not have seen the depth of how God can work in one person ,one couple, one family... as He has in ours. Upon losing Little One and being diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism and Factor V Leiden all within about a week during the summer of two-thousand-thirteen, I became more open to the fact that perhaps God has bigger plans for us as a family and I needed to make some changes.
As previously mentioned, I have struggled with my own self confidence and opinion of myself at times... often actually. I have been hyper-aware of how I believed I was perceived and always felt like I needed to fight against this idea that I was weak, frail, miniscule, unimportant... I have never wanted to upset people, ruffle feathers, branch out too far. If it was comfortable or a little outside of my comfort zone, I could be happy... but I never pushed much. I never wanted to offend people by accident. I did not want to open up my insecurities that far. I was scared. I am scared. So maybe it is about learning that its okay to pray big dreams, work hard to achieve them and try hard enough to reach people that they just might be offended, but do it in a way that still shows my care and love for them. I do not have to be timid in sharing any part of my journey or any part of my future or any part of how it has changed my life or my family's for the better. This is who I am and this is who I want to be. I want to break free and share...
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In about seven to nine weeks, we will be welcoming a new baby girl into our family. We will be in yet another new phase of our family and our lives and in a lot of ways, we will have come full circle from that day in January when we received the worst news of our lives to date, that we had lost our baby, Squirt. It by no means erases our memories or thoughts of our babies gone too soon or my health going into limbo for so long. It does not negate our views on family or life. If anything, it just enhances them and makes them that much more clear. I have learned SO much about who I am as a wife, a mother, a baby loss mother, a Beachbody coach, a friend, a daughter, a sister and a woman in Christ... Through all of our struggles, God has remained FAITHFUL and I plan to return the favor. I plan to LIVE this year, no excuses... I will be INTENTIONAL and GENUINE even when it hurts, even when others do not like it. I will push harder and work more carefully to achieve my goals and set up a future for my family that I am proud of... and I will never, ever forget how God blessed me with the absolute best friend and husband in the world, my David!
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That is all for now...
As always,
Melis
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Copyright Photos @Sara Story Photography
sarastory2008@gmail.com, (831) 588-7345
my third child...
My intent was to share with other women that they were not alone...
I wanted other people to know that miscarriage, still birth, and baby loss happens...
that it is real, and there are women who go through it... often twice, three times, or more...
I wanted my words to possibly help even one woman know that she was not the only one..
and that there are support groups...
and organizations...
and people who can help...
and who care...
I did not know at the time, however what was ahead of me in that year...
the year we first chose a family word...
FAITH...
David warned me. He told me that word was like setting ourselves up...
I knew... God would do what God would do and He would allow what He would allow...
This was our chance to step out and say we trusted Him, that we had FAITH. He agreed.
Well, as many of you now know, that word clearly defined our year that unfolded in front of us. Two thousand thirteen was a year full of challenges... and not small ones. Just before Mother's Day, we discovered we were pregnant again. We were thrilled and a bit nervous, but mostly excited. We kept it mostly to ourselves, telling only a handful of people. We found out at fifteen weeks we had lost another baby... Five days later, I was diagnosed at the age of twenty-eight, on our sixth wedding anniversary with a pulmonary embolism, a large clot in my lungs. Over the next four days in the hospital, I learned I had an inherited clotting disorder that was likely the source of ALL of this.
The following six months were all about getting better. I had my blood drawn so frequently, I made friends with two of the ladies who worked there, to the point where I would not go to any other lab... ever. I was constantly adjusting my medication to align with my INR levels from those blood draws. Meanwhile, I was still in a lot of pain most days, so I was on pain medication for it. When the time came for my scan and then my six month follow up, I was nervous but so excited. On my Daddy's birthday, I found out I was free of Coumadin and the pain was gone. I no longer needed the pain medication either and I had no side effects. I felt like I got a huge present on my Daddy's birthday. It felt freeing...
It was around this time I finally started to feel well enough to take better care of myself. Someone I knew from church posted about P90X3. I had already had some past success with P90X and I loved the idea that I only needed to work out thirty minutes a day with this one. A month in, I was hooked and a month after that, I was signed up as a Beachbody coach. I was on board, excited and I was changing my life. I was losing weight, building muscle I did not know I had and I was seeing a future. I was seeing a chance for life after multiple losses and a pulmonary embolism. I was living a life on aspirin but that was not going to define me. I was going to get healthier, fitter and be more in control of my own life, and I was going to take my family along for the ride... because if anyone deserved it, they did. David had seen me at my worst. He had not only stuck by me but he had supported me, encouraged me and seen to the kids needs whenever I could not. My kids never saw me different it seemed either. They loved on me and knew I was not whole somehow but they cared and wanted me anyway. My family needed this. So I was going to make these changes for them.
Something interesting happens when you immerse yourself in something... it changes you. It takes you to on an adventure that you cannot predict. You think you are in control but each of those decisions takes you somewhere else. Yes, I wanted to lose weight but I was learning that with that weight loss, I was getting stronger, and not just physically (which was pretty awesome on its own, let's be honest) but I was starting to think more for myself. I was not depending on David for as much. I was starting to do activities I enjoyed again. I was cooking, baking, running, swimming, writing more... I was making decisions firmly again; I was not waffling so much. I was building confidence back that I once had but it was different this time. It was ALL different this time...
It sure seemed that way. I was twenty-five lbs down, I was working out six days a week. I was eating better than I had ever before. I was working out at least an hour each day and I was setting goals and challenges and not letting injuries or other obstacles stop me. They were aiding me, teaching me more about myself and who I was, who I could be. I liked it. I was ready to crush more programs and goals and take on the world! Truthfully, I felt like my own version of Wonder Woman. I knew who I was and no matter what happened next, I was confident I could handle it; David and I could handle it. We were equipped, prepared and in control. Good news or bad news, the world was ours.
And then we found out we were pregnant... We had just celebrated our seventh wedding anniversary. We were less than a month out from Joy starting first grade. David had just received a promotion at work and our sweet kiddos seemed genuinely happy. No one had been sick in months. I tell you the honest truth, I froze...
Since the moment my hematologist cleared me of my pulmonary embolism, I was ecstatic, not just because I was healed... but because I wanted so badly to have my baby... my rainbow baby... the one that fulfilled the promise that we were able to still have kiddos, the one that meant my hematologist was right and we now not only had a reason for my losses and six additional months "out of commission" but for a solution to it as well. In theory, it all made sense and it seemed great....
Reality is cruel some days. For so long, you just pray and imagine and wonder what it will be like one day to have your greatest dream come true and when you are on the brink of it, all of your worst fears and insecurities come rushing right back. And during the first sixteen weeks of my pregnancy (twelve since I found out), that is where I was. My blood pressure was higher, my days were quieter. I was more withdrawn. I initially excitedly told people, only to be reminded each day that anything was possible and we were not safe yet. Additionally, I had morning sickness like never before, as well as fatigue day in and day out. Parts of me physically hurt so much that I could not figure out how to even walk for exercise... me... the person who had thrived on and lived on and ingrained in myself this idea that exercise was a part of me...
A part of me... Fitness had become a piece of the person I saw myself to be long term, the person I was developing and becoming as an adult... as a mature, healthy, well-rounded adult... It was THAT important to me that I crumbled repeatedly at the thought of not showing that side of me... over and over and over again. I wanted so much to prove to women that you could be fit and pregnant. I wanted to be that woman who looked like she could take on the world, even when I was thwarted by pregnancy annoyances. After all, I had seen other women do it, read their posts and seen photos of what they were eating during pregnancy, how they were continuing their fitness regimen and how great it made them feel... and how much better their labor was because of it. And then I realized... I was jealous. I was jealous of the women who did not feel pregnancy the way I did this time around or at least did not appear to feel it the way I did.
Sixteen weeks arrived, and thanks to a sweet friend and a special at our ultrasound place, we got to see our princess, kicking around... with a heartbeat... I think that is when I finally let my breath out for the first time in this entire pregnancy. The daily injections of Lovenox were working. My body worked. My baby looked as healthy as her older brother and sister did. She was even measuring ahead by a week already (thanks to her father's genes, haha), just as her older siblings did at that point as well. She was the cutest baby we had seen in a very long time. And when we picked up Joy from school that day, she shrieked and turned around and told one of her teachers she was going to have a sister. My heart lit up like letters on a Wheel of Fortune board.
Over the next few weeks, I found strength and some energy and started to walk again. I was still sick as a dog most days but I was seeing the hope I had not seen for months. Just that picture of my newest little girl kicking made me smile. And not more than a week after we saw that ultrasound, I felt those first kicks, right on schedule, just like her older brother and sister. My back still hurt as well but I kept trying to stay positive as people reminded me over and over that she was fine, growing, even thriving... The closer I got to the New Year, the more hopeful I got, the more ecstatic I got. I started thinking about running new challenge groups, one right out of the gate in the New Year. A group of ladies committed to check in and get a health tip and talk about what it meant and apply it as able. It was simple and for 21 days, that is exactly what many did. It helped remind me of something I had forgotten...
We have seasons in life. Some of them are longer or shorter. Some are ridiculously fun. Some are more challenging. Some pass by without being noticed. Some contain combinations of challenges, fantastic news, and moments that pass us by. But the point is, seasons exist. And each season ultimately comes to an end, transitioning into another. I have often noticed they overlap as well in certain areas. Anytime when I am in one of my harder seasons, I remind myself that it will not last forever, no matter how long it may seem at the time. This is what we went through during our Year of Faith. And when the following year hit, our promise was to be content, no matter what. Considering that year had no huge hurdles, I think there were times we questioned if we were more faithful than content... And yet, she was conceived during this year, found to be a girl during this year, one growing and thriving inside of me like I had only dreamed...
I often think of two-thousand-fourteen as our transition year. We had it rough for a year, worked out some kinks and frustrations the following year and then we needed to make some serious decisions during two-thousand-fifteen. We wanted to leave the excuses behind us. No one would make us feel inferior. No one would determine whether or not we were happy or content ;-) No one else had the power over us. Only God was in control. We would be setting goals and making plans (to the best of our abilities). We would be embracing this year like no other. We would LIVE. I always make sure to emphasize (I hope) that this word is a verb, an action. It is NOT passive by any means. We would trust God. We would do what we could within His will. This included David's job, my working, our children, our living situation... absolutely everything...
So it may or may not surprise you to find out that one of those aspects of my life that I have struggled most with in recent weeks is confidence... I lack it. As I work on my business, I question myself constantly. I wonder if I am pressuring myself to the point of failure. I constantly question whether I am a good enough mother or not. My son did not get a good lunch. My daughter did not get much time with mommy today. Homework did not get finished. The house is still a complete mess, possibly worse when David walks in the door at night. There is a tantrum and not only do I not know how to stop it, I do not know what is causing it. I tell my kids to wait. One of them breaks something. I worry if I am eating enough. Will my baby be okay? It is a constant battle these days.
So in light of this constant struggle as of late, I decided to try an experiment... nothing fancy but with my thirtieth birthday approaching in the next few months, I decided to ask around thirty friends for a word that describes me, no other instructions included. Now some simply declined and some gave me multiple ones. Some gave me words that really made me think. Others repeated a word another had given me, some of which I did not expect to see even once. Now where am I going with this? It is about perspective. The people who know you best, the people who care about you... they do not see your flaws like you do. Now, they may be the ones to approach you if something really is off because they care but they do not sit there and complain about you constantly and anything that may be "wrong" with you. So, why do I? How is it even possible for me to LIVE when I am so focused on all of these negative aspects I see in myself, a human trying to do my best? It really is not possible to LIVE fully. So I decided to delve in and see how I was actually perceived...
Some of the words I have struggled with the most are strong, beautiful, and brave...
Why? Because I have fought against a perception that I feel weak most of my life, because I am a woman who does not often see the beauty in who she truly is unless I am feeling good, and because when life fell down around my family and I, I did what I thought I needed to do, never once seeing it as anything other than that.
A word that surprised me... enduring...
This goes along with the words, strong and brave, I struggle with it a little but like the perspective. I truly believe without God, we would be finished and I would be forever depressed in a hole. I do not believer I could endure life without His continual promises.
Some words that encourage me... compassionate, supportive, genuine...
I love to hear these kinds of words! I need to remember them! These are things I strive for on a regular basis so it is nice to see that I am emanating them to others.
"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." ~ Marilyn Monroe
I came across this quote and could not help but see it as incredibly meaningful for where I am now. It has been more than two years since we said goodbye to our first angel and there are days I still cry and mourn his loss. There are days where I still question God. And as far as we have come in our journey as a family, it still makes us sad. I have always found a way to explain to others that it has to be a part of something so much bigger but I have only been able to point to my best guess as to what that is. Perhaps, it was not just so I could share with you my journey and to help others but to help us see how important health is... and life. Without the passing of our dear Squirt, I would have never started this blog. I might not have seen the depth of how God can work in one person ,one couple, one family... as He has in ours. Upon losing Little One and being diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism and Factor V Leiden all within about a week during the summer of two-thousand-thirteen, I became more open to the fact that perhaps God has bigger plans for us as a family and I needed to make some changes.
As previously mentioned, I have struggled with my own self confidence and opinion of myself at times... often actually. I have been hyper-aware of how I believed I was perceived and always felt like I needed to fight against this idea that I was weak, frail, miniscule, unimportant... I have never wanted to upset people, ruffle feathers, branch out too far. If it was comfortable or a little outside of my comfort zone, I could be happy... but I never pushed much. I never wanted to offend people by accident. I did not want to open up my insecurities that far. I was scared. I am scared. So maybe it is about learning that its okay to pray big dreams, work hard to achieve them and try hard enough to reach people that they just might be offended, but do it in a way that still shows my care and love for them. I do not have to be timid in sharing any part of my journey or any part of my future or any part of how it has changed my life or my family's for the better. This is who I am and this is who I want to be. I want to break free and share...
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In about seven to nine weeks, we will be welcoming a new baby girl into our family. We will be in yet another new phase of our family and our lives and in a lot of ways, we will have come full circle from that day in January when we received the worst news of our lives to date, that we had lost our baby, Squirt. It by no means erases our memories or thoughts of our babies gone too soon or my health going into limbo for so long. It does not negate our views on family or life. If anything, it just enhances them and makes them that much more clear. I have learned SO much about who I am as a wife, a mother, a baby loss mother, a Beachbody coach, a friend, a daughter, a sister and a woman in Christ... Through all of our struggles, God has remained FAITHFUL and I plan to return the favor. I plan to LIVE this year, no excuses... I will be INTENTIONAL and GENUINE even when it hurts, even when others do not like it. I will push harder and work more carefully to achieve my goals and set up a future for my family that I am proud of... and I will never, ever forget how God blessed me with the absolute best friend and husband in the world, my David!
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That is all for now...
As always,
Melis
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Copyright Photos @Sara Story Photography
sarastory2008@gmail.com, (831) 588-7345
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Feeling Weary? Need some inspiration? This is where I am today...
When I went to bed last night, I had no intention of writing a blog today. Yet after the night and morning I had, I felt it was a good idea...
Poor Joy Joy wasn't feeling well yesterday. She had just come off a low-grade temperature the day before and seemed to be recovering until she started yelling.... and yelling. Poor girl was in pain but I did not know how much. I tried appropriate medicines we had at home as well as just helping her to relax. I distracted her and tried to help her rest. As the day progressed, it seemed she was handling things okay so I sent her to bed on the futon near me just to make sure. Unfortunately the night did not go well... at all. By 8 am, I was beyond frustrated and was more sure than ever my sweet girl had an ear infection. Her fever had broken 24 hours before but she just could not sleep and kept pointing to her ear. She was not letting up.
Unfortunately, it took longer than we would like to get out of the house, even with the hospital a few minutes away. Fortunately for us, the ER seemed to be ready for all the moms with kiddos as they brought the families in to triage and into a bed in the hall or room near the front rather quickly. At first I was a little peeved but then realized with the pain Joy seemed to be experiencing this may be working to our advantage. The doctor on duty met with the family nearest to us for a little bit, argued with the parent briefly about how important it was for the child to find a way to get their child to take the medicine, repeated "virus everyone has right now" multiple times and zoomed on over to us. He double checked what we were there for, checked her ear, confirmed the ear infection after inspection (as well as the other for good measure), told me what he was prescribing and zoomed off. Not 5 minutes later, we had discharge instructions and a few signatures later we were on our way to Costco for her medicine. Arriving at the pharmacy, I realized things might take a little longer with her new insurance card and a tech being trained but I sat with my sweet girl while Micah hovered around nearby smiling and being silly. These things seemed to help at least a little bit. Then, we headed for the car and before long, she had the medicine in her system and a quick visit to Daddy and stop for orange juice and we were home.... and now she is sleeping.
It was noon when we arrived home. I hadn't eaten anything and I was overwhelmed by messages to read and respond to. I am supposed to be on a high carb diet for a few days prior to my 3 hr glucose test coming up Monday so clearly I got a late start on that for the day. It will happen. I hopefully won't feel so weak or tired much longer. I am praying tonight will be much more restful in this house tonight... for all of this. And even after all of this, I just want to encourage all of you parents out there, all of my friends and others who are struggling with anything today...
...find peace in our Lord, find solace in His comfort, find a minute or two at least just to breathe today and take this day in before it ends. We have NO idea what tomorrow will bring but it is definitely okay to not be okay all of the time and to take things as they come, in stride, as you are able. I hope this can be a comfort to some of you today.
I saw a pretty cool image today as I was searching through things online that said the following,
"When your troubles try to drag you down remember that you were made to soar."
When you're ready, revel in that, my friend and take it to heart.
"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:31, NIV)
I need to eat some more and hopefully feel a little better. I can't wait to continue to share with you more as I keep exploring the direction for this year for my family and how God can use me.
As always,
Melis
P.S. If you do pray, I ask for your prayers today as I am especially worn and weary today and we have another long day at home while my sweet hubby works a 12 hour shift to provide for us.
Friday, January 23, 2015
1st day of High Carbin' it up & My 1st Giveaway EVER!
How have you all been doing? Once again, I was hit with what to talk to you about. It isn't that there isn't anything to talk about, it is that I often don't see what I have to say as important to others. Does anyone else struggle with this? I often get so caught up in the BIG posts that I forget that being real is what got me going in the first place... and it is what keeps me going and writing day in and day out.
I have a sick kiddo around here again. I love her to pieces so I feel bad for her. Yesterday, she would barely move or eat. She told me she had a sore throat and he had a high temp as well. So today she gets to stay home from school. Fortunately, last night went better than the last and the kids enjoyed the "family sleepover" in our bedroom. Today, she is starting to act like herself so we might attempt some homework! ;-)
And we did do our maternity shoot on Monday with the fabulous Sara Story! I so wish I had a website or Facebook for her but as far as I know, she is only reachable by phone at the moment. Anyway, she was amazing & she IS amazing! I was having a truly rough and grumpy day, feeling defeated and no where near confident. I was irritated because I forgot to deal with my nails and I didn't have accessories and this one time I was doing something special, I couldn't get it together. I was complaining about hubby not getting me or supporting me like I wanted and so on... and my mood didn't get any better when we were in not one but TWO near car accidents on the freeway on our hour drive there. Thankfully, hubby was driving and saw both coming and was able to just avoid both cars who decided to back up or move over WITHOUT looking while driving. (And for the record, hubby is plenty supportive. I was being nit picky & whiny.)
Sara made us feel at ease. She picked a place that she loved and knew. (She only lives in the area 6 months out of the year.) She had me do things I didn't understand but I totally submitted to her wishes. She asked what I was thinking and even warned me when we were down to a few photos left to shoot so we didn't miss anything important. (TWO key things here: She shoots in ALL film & I am getting a photo with our beloved angel bears, as well as Baby Girl's.) She was also so great with Micah. He is usually in a fabulous mood when cameras around but he was just getting over a bug. It looks like she got some great action shots. So... I am DEFINITELY looking forward to getting those back!
On another note, today is the first of three days where I am on a High Carb diet via my OBGYN's instructions. I failed my first glucose test by one point so I take the 3 hour one to rule out or in Gestational Diabetes on Monday. I am still not sure how I feel about the crazy carb load but I am following directions as I trust my doctor and know that he has mine and baby girl's best interests in mind. I have to do this for 3 meals for 3 days leading up to the test before a 12 hour fast immediately before it. I have struggled so much with lack of appetite and nausea during this pregnancy, as well as preferring my protein like crazy so prayers would be appreciated!
And on to the latest news... Have you seen my blog count? This is post 98. That's right. I am only 2 posts away from 100! Looking over at my Facebook Coach & like page this morning, I realized I am only 22 likes from 100 there. SO... to Celebrate these milestones, I am doing my First Ever Giveaway! I am pretty excited about it!
http://www.giveawaytab.com/mob.php?pageid=518921921574172
So go there & enter, okay? And share with your friends! And if you have any thoughts on what you would love to read on here or see on my page, let me know! I would love to get your input! Watch for posts 99 & 1oo as we get closer...
As always,
Melis
P.S. I wanted to share this totally so table photo of Micah & Abby last night passed out shortly before David came home.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Super Cool News!
So I wasn't planning on a blog but I decided I might as well since I read pretty much the coolest news EVER yesterday....
My older brother proposed to his amazingly wonderful girlfriend last night and she said, "YES!" I am stoked beyond stoked as this girl is one of those girls everyone wants to have in their family! And I am beyond excited to share this news!
So that's it! Haha. Stoked for you, Matt & Elaine! Thanks for getting those pics ;-)
As always,
Melis
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